My Father

 It has been close to three months, My father passed away due to covid.

He kept waiting for me, didn't complain. He left me and everyone, just silently as if nothing mattered to him.

His death reflects on me the meaningless of everything we do and everything we say, everything we earn and everything we learn. In the end nothing matters.

I was and will be an incompetent son. He loved me, He loved all his children.

He used to get ill frequently but always stood on his feet. Even till his last day he ate himself and went to toilet himself. It makes me proud of him and it also breaks me from inside to realize.

I don't believe in afterlife but I do believe in another life and I know my father has already born with a new body, may be in some other country, some other ethnicity, some other religion. He must have brought happiness to the people around him. He will. He is one hell of a caretaker.

It's easy for me to get sad for myself and selfish too. But I know you left because you knew I will take care of what or who you left behind till I leave. I have anxiety, I have jitters but I have confidence I will not fail you father.

We both had bitter days and just seeing how you lost your bitterness taught me to let me lose mine. You thought me an able son. I gave you the moments you could be proud of. Perhaps this is all the solace I have.

Most people thinks their father is a hero and when I think about my father I feel they are right. Fathers are the nurses and the doctors and the teachers and the guides, they are the critics and the admirers.

You had one life which seems monumental to me, not in its size but in its depth. Where you finished from where you started takes generations perhaps for most. Born as an eldest son in a family with 7 son and 2 daughters. You were the prime target of grandfather. You bore all the fatherly cruelty, still managed to get into studies.

You loved football. You secured a government job with all your vigor and also helped your father in his business. You got married to my mother. You had three daughters before having me in a society which sees daughter as liabilities and son as an asset. two of your daughters were intellectually challenged. You took everything in your stride and never broke. NEVER.

How will handle things makes my spine shiver, your spine was of steel perhaps or you just hid it so that we blossom without worrying. You knew education is they key and being part of the bigger family my education will be hampered specially due to my disabled sisters.

You kept me aside from everything, even to yourself so that I could concentrate on my studies. You tried to get me into the best of schools. To the best of coaching. You had an unflinching trust in my capabilities.

After your death only I can realize that your treating me harsh on occasions were perhaps your only way to vent your frustration in the process of handling the life you envisioned for me. And all I can say is why didn't I helped you more. Why I was so selfish and still am.

You wanted me to succeed in life and each time I failed you never let your hope vanish. What you saw me made you believe that I will be the son you want.

You built a new house for us and within months one of your daughter died. It was painful to mother but then we never checked how disheartening it was for you. You just said once "her face remains in front of my eyes." 

You fought for us from greedy brothers, you took care of everything and asked me to concentrate on studies. I couldn't.

You sent me to college. I was lazy, always doing the bare minimum. Perhaps you believed that my bare minimum is close enough and I will realize my potential sooner or later.

I needed money and I called you from college and you were ill. You were suffering and your voice on phone scared me for the first time. I felt that I will lose you. It was 13 years ago and I got the first hint that one day I have to live without you.

I completed the college in my bare minimum style and got a private job within couple of months. That was for you the perhaps the proudest moment which I ever could provide.

You no more had to shy away from people asking "what your son is doing nowadays?".

You got your eldest sister married, you retired next year. You retired a content and happy man. Your son was in job, your daughter married, you liable to get pension and then with your savings.

And then once I decided to stay more time with you only to realize we two are different persons and you wanted me to be a better person and I never seeing any point in it.

We didn't talk for more than 6 months de to fallout. And hen when i was about to go foreign for work related stuff you met me. you were changed man, standing behind mother, slyly smiling. I remember you said something and I rebuked you and you smiled. In that smiled I saw a father drinking humiliation just to be with his son.

That was the beginning of you being a caring father so unbecoming of you. You wanted me to get married. I fell for a girl briefly and it didn't work out simply because no one will bear my attitude as my father and mother did. But I agreed to your way of marriage.

I saw tension and frustration in you when I rejected few suitable girls because you didn't see much wrong with them. Then I married a girl which you chose and I liked, everyone was happy.

Your health kept going downwards but every time you kept fighting back, you kept taking care of stuff. I got married and you were more humbled.

You got a heart surgery and I was nervous. My mother was worried and you recovered smiling.

You braved everything just for making my life better and it hurts me more.

And before I could provide you with something to cherish, you got infected with covid. Things kept getting bad to worse and I was helpless. I couldn't even visit you. And on my birthday you decided to leave this world.

To me it seems you fought to this disease and made it to my birthday and then you passed away perhaps hinting me that you leave everything to me, for me.

 It has been close to three month and it seems like yesterday when you use to talk to me about money and property. You asked me how much I make and when I told you, you got silent. You didn't react maybe because I might take it otherwise.

Father I love you for what a great human being you were. I know you will continue to spread positivity in any part of universe, in any form you are.

I hope to meet you father again. Life is temporary but the ask and the love will always be there. 

 

The litmus test for being a true Indian

Alright, upfront let me tell you, the heading is sarcastic and the litmus test for being an Indian today seems to be if you hate Pakistan or not.

India's and Indian's interest in Pakistan is natural given the shared history, culture and language. But today's social media's certain section wants to judge you as NOT a true Indian if you have a soft corner for Pakistan. As it's an enemy state.

I don't know, to me this hatred or animosity is not natural and I always feel that a strong, democratic Pakistan is always good and beneficial for India. As all Indian I too feel that partition on the basis of religion was stupid but we can't live in history we have to look forward or upward depends which direction you should be moving.

I make my own decision and I have decided to believe in Pakistan. I like to think that it will overcome the turmoil which she is into which frankly she has herself to blame. In political discussion we talk about country as it is a person. But a country is more vivid and vibrant than that.

Thanks to news and media we have a very one-sided view about Pakistan, as an extremist state which vehemently support Islamism in practice and thought and law. All of it is not incorrect but most of it certainly is.

I got interested in Pakistan's news and discussion as a fun factor initially. As an Indian thankfully we are taught in school to be tolerant and acceptability toward different religion. Of course doesn't work all the time but at least most of us refrain from "my religion is right and your is wrong" discussions. Our outlook for most part isn't a religion basis. I think as we grow up we become more religiously corrupted. That's why today on social media people who were childhood friends find themselves endorsing opposite ideological substance based on their respective religion even they are in each others' friend list.

Anyway when I started to watch Pakistan's news debate and discussion thanks to common language, it was funny initially because it seems they were much in denial and very quick in blaming India for their inner problems. That's a natural, all country does that it brings you together if you target external threat. Do you remember how India was united at Kargil war or after 2008 Mumbai attack. Don't we blame ISI and to some extent big brother China for providing arms to north-eastern insurgency groups?

But after the initial fun factor I got from Pakistan's news channel debate which pointed out they have superior missile technology and they ruled India for 1000 or so years and they won 1965 war and they are more cultured and countless other stuff, I also noticed that many people at the core of it does NOT really believe in two-nation theory and the idea that Hindu and Muslims can't live together. Many intellectuals can really gaze the difference in Pakistan as a peaceful cohesive multi-culture place pre-independence has now become chaotic. Many people realize that until and unless they don't eradicate some core philosophies they can't be progressive. There are people who are ready to take the blame that there was something wrong in strategy either in partition or even in the war Pakistan fought afterward.

Now let me tell you a small story. There was a kingdom, it was prosperous and Men and women were equal, they had equal say and participation, though women didn't match the physical strength they were much at par on psychological and mental strength. No men in the kingdom could think as women are lesser to him. Then something happened, another king started attacking this kingdom in small skirmishes. Due to being a soft target, women were often kidnapped and troubled. Then to overcome these problems Men had responsibility to protect women, they asked their women to not to wander alone, not to go out of home at odd timings and certainly not without male companions. Women agreed citing their safety and then it became norms for generations. But subconsciously women started agreeing to men rules even when their was no threat because ultimately men were protector.

Friends it's a story of protector becoming master. Now think of all the underworld don and mafia, Didn't they all started as protector? maybe for their family, neighborhood, clan or kingdom. It doesn't take much for protector to become master.

Coming back to the context I think that Pakistani army in the same line became master from protector. Pakistan always felt the danger from India and it forced them to trust their army as their savior. For one reason or another Pakistani army always came into play and their status as the key decision-maker is undeniable.

India on the other hand did remarkably good citing the vastness it has. That doesn't mean there are no problems. The internal problem which India faces today in terms of maoism, poverty and overpopulation is more deadly than any external problem we can think of. But even then India is progressing forward, the reason I think is India has given due respect to multi-culture and multi-linguistic aspects.

Since Pakistan was created on the basis of Islam, Islam has become core concept and most of them always see India as a Hindu state which on ground is far from truth. But then since they have spectacles of religion it sort of gives color of religion in almost all matters concerning India. (so called) Atrocities in Kashmir or Demolition of Babri mosque or Gujarat riot or any communal issue assert them of their views.    

But I always felt that since India and Pakistan were virtually the same country, The common people are same and have acceptability, they might not always be right but they at core are tolerant and progressive. Many in Pakistan realizes that maybe partition was not a great idea given the count of death and displaced and new problems it added. That doesn't mean we should try to correct it, It will be horrendous, I don't see India and Pakistan becoming one country again not in next 500 years. But that in no way means that India and Pakistan can't be a friendly neighbor.

Its always a matter of choice, whether you want to hate someone or love someone or for that matter be neutral. India is much ahead in development index, but that shouldn't make us arrogant. Instead of ridiculing, mocking and blaming maybe India should help Pakistan in realizing it's mistakes and correcting it.

It's easier to be a friend than to be an enemy.

One question recently came up by nationalist Indian when Shivsena threatened noted Ghazal singer Ghulam Ali proposed concert was that would you listen to a Pakistani singer when Indian soldiers are getting killed by Pakistani soldiers?

Well tell you what not all of us are so void of art as you are, Are there not soldiers in our army who like to listen magical ghazals by Ghulam Ali? Music and art break barriers and boundaries. As a human we all are naturally found of good immaterial from where it's coming. you could have guessed that I am a fan of Ghulam Ali, But I really abhor Atif Aslam singing, even then I think he has all the right to perform because lots of people adore them.

If hating Pakistan is a certificate of being a patriotic Indian, i don't want to own that certificate.

Another question normally asked on social media is that look how Pakistan treats their minorities and we give our minorities special privileges.

I don't believe in giving special treatment to anyone but I also don't take Pakistan as role model for treating minorities. There is a reason India is India and not Pakistan. The bad in Pakistan can't be a justification for bad in India. If you consider Pakistan bad why the hell you are citing is an example for your deed. Do you say that look how Hitler treated Jews and how we are treating? I am not
 comparing Pakistan with Hitler, i am just pointing out the corrupted mentality of these "true" Indian.

Some people have this mirage of having a Hindu India, I think the Hindu India is one where all the religion has a say. Hinduism in it's core believes in polytheism and also monotheism and also atheism. So an India where Hindus are superior or are first class citizen is not actually a Hindu India.

So if your idea of Hindu India is based on Saudi Arabia model. Your understanding of Hinduism is rather shallow.

It's a common misconception that people own the land, Maharashtra is for Marathas, Tamils own Tamilnadu, Muslim owns Pakistan and Hindus own India. The reality is that your lands own you. You are the one who will be part of the land one day. Land will be there much much after you are gone.

It's such an irony, people with extreme ideology blames Pakistan for extreme ideologies. You are behaving in the way for which you are blaming other. The word for that is Hippocrat.

Bottom line is I decline to hate Pakistan or Pakistani and I don't care if it doesn't suits your definition of "proud Indian". 










   

    

Being Tolerant for Dummies

Have you heard about recent hue and cry about us Indian being intolerant? The communal seperation of idea. The very idea of India being tarnished by religiously corrupt politician? The beef debate and the murders which happened for and against the beef ban.

Have you heard the names in likes of Adityanath, Sadhvi Pragya, Owaisi and Azam Khan. And their comments once in a while?

Anyone who is opposing RSS is being called traitor and anyone who is supporting BJP are called Bhakts (devotees).

Do you have idiot friends those who keeps PM Modi on pedestal and prays him and credits him for everything good happening and do you have also idiotic friends who have ego problem with Modi and points him guilty for every bad thing.

Do you see the news and media who desperately wants to make an issue out of non-issue?

I see huge mistrust. No one party or person is responsible. If someone can make you and your friend fight for whatever reason, maybe there was a crack in your friendship at the first place and you both are responsible for that.

Now I believe in India and I believe in Indians, they won't let negativity go for long. Yes there are communal cracks in the society but its not that fragile either. So people would come back.

Sad part is that your friends who otherwise are intelligent people are falling for this bet. They are being part of the sham and shameful superficial superiority complex. The idea that my community is better than yours, the idea that my way of living is better than yours, The idea that we are genetically better than others, The idea that we are a victim. The idea that there is a larger conspiracy.

When Salman Khan got jail term for hit and run case someone said that he is being prosecuted with this punishment because he is a Muslim. Well then how come Sanjay Dutt is serving his term being a Hindu.

And then there are some Hindus who thinks that Hindus own the country. This country belongs to either each one of us or none of us. No community can own this country. The idea that Hindus will set the rules that how the Muslims should relate to this motherland is preposterous. Muslims are as much sons of the land as Hindus are.

Behind all these is insecurities. The insecurity is being diminished in population size and eventually vanishing. But it was never about quantity. Jews are barely few million but their grip on world trade is immense.

The Hindu population in Pakistan has reduced to 1/10 in 60 odd years. This is one common example given by these guys pushing the idea that if we are not careful this might happen in India and some even wishing to reduce the Muslim population in India in same manner.

But listen idiots, there is a reason India is India and Pakistan is Pakistan. Pakistan is mayhem country with absolutely no single motivation and direction. The country is divided on all major issues. The power in country is divided. There is huge problem of radicalism. And all this is because the idea that one religion can't be with another religion.

Do you want the same to happen in India?  Seriously? India is supposed to be a garden where all flower flourishes. best of people from all communities are appreciated and supported. We all are part of it and no one is master of it.

If you say that killing of a person on beef consumption is correct then in principle you are supporting the people who killed the cartoonist for drawing Mohammad. You cannot have double standards.

Coming back to the politics, I feel right from the beginning, most of the party are trying to play dangerous game on religion for their own profit.

Till the government doesn't stop to see people with the lens of community, I don't feel they are serious.

You don't need to do for the welfare of Muslims, you need to do for the welfare of poor, Muslims and Hindus alike. When you talk about welfare of Muslims, you create a communal divide.

Let's judge people by their action and not by their religion. Shivaji is respected not because he was a Hindu but because he was an able strategist and warrior. Akbar is not respected because he was Muslim but because he sincerely worked for bringing communities together.

Nothing is eternal, no religion and no species. Their is no superiority.

You always have a choice, whether to pursue hatred or compassion. why do you chose hatred? 

5 reasons to NOT to read/watch idiotic posts (2nd one will NOT blow your mind)

This was in my mind since long, And every time I saw it, It boiled up in me more. Finally I decided to pen it down. So what actually I am talking about?

I am talking about the trends which is so much into social media and they are outright ridiculous and shallow in terms to get your attention.

So below are 5 such reasons to avoid those posts.

1.  The Numbers

Most of these posts comes with numbers, example : 8 reason to become veggie, 5 places to have sex other than bed, 9 signs he is cheating on you. Don't believe me? below are some examples which quick google search gave me.

50-reasons-woman-really-DOES-need-man

7-reasons-not-to-marry-an-Indian-woman

11-reasons-why-large-men-are-the-best-lovers

5 reasons pigs are more awesome than you

seriously?? do you need 50 reasons to convince you that women needs men?

2. The Claim

This is one step further in the shit. After the total number the post pin points which one exactly is the best. example : 7 fail of the century, 4th will crack you up.

Now the first claim is that those 7 are the prime fails and it doesn't count the numerous fails which never came into the notice of someone who compiled that post, Also the cherry on the shit is the second claim that 4th one will crack you up. (my first reaction : talk about yourself). You are making a claim that 4th will crack people up and not considering that people are not as shallow as you are.

These gimmicks are just to make people click on that post and gets disappointed. It plays with human curiosity. Again below are some of such examples

10-good-reasons-reduce-sugar-intake-7th-one-will-shock-you

8-most-beautiful-women-in-sports-4th-one-will-blow-your-mind

11-unfortunate-ad-placements-the-9th-one-will-crack-you-up

3. What Happens Next

This one is actually another form of claim and for the same purpose of generating curiosity out of thin air. In here they provide you with a scenario which is really artificial in most cases and then makes the claim like "what happens next will change you forever" (or whatever).

Examples again

This Kid Asked About Love. What Happens Next Will Blow Your Mind

he-placed-3-wine-glasses-on-the-table-what-happens-next-will-leave-you-speechless

49-dogs-uncovered-from-hoarder-what-happens-next-will-make-your-day


4. We Asked

These are videos where they do some sort of questioning from random people and based on few answers makes a broad judgement, in some cases these videos will also makes a claim about whole city, state or country.

You can only feel sorry for the people who are in the videos who subconsciously try to put their best foot forward or just trying to be unique.

we-asked-15-men-what-they-wish-women-knew-here-are-their-honest-responses

listen-we-asked-people-what-they-do-in-the-work-place-bathroom-the-results-will-shock-you

would-you-marry-a-rape-victim-the-answers-these-indians-give-will-shock-you

5. The Dare

It's same like the above but in this people are asked to do some senseless dares which prompts me to ask only one question : "WHY??"

to kiss a stranger

Slapping SEXY Girl's ASS & Licking HOT Girl's Ear - TRUTH or DARE with Strangers

TOUCH MY BALLS PRANK


The way these stuffs are presented to create sensation irks me. I am sure there must be some healthy fun and some true facts among these but the way these stories are mushrooming, It more seems to me is a competition and to ploy to get some quick attention and all you need is a camera and a mic , well in some cases not even that, just an internet connection.

I have no problem with people who likes or enjoy these stuff, my only problem is being a victim of senseless sensationalism.

Add comments if you ever came across some ridiculous posts like these or it irritated you ever.

That Big Girl

That big girl in the office.

In a couple of days I would be leaving the office and then maybe will never see her again.

Her presence always made me nervous, in this 2 month stay I hardly saw her 10 times and each time I felt the hit.

She doesn't smile but she has a look which leaves the imprint. I remember that poetry which seems really really apt for her, the rough translation would be something like "for sure there is some magic in her eyes (the way she looks), on whoever it fell, it pierced till the heart".

Do I want to talk to her? Well its difficult question and the answer is yes and no both. Yes because that's the natural flow of action, you like someone and you want to talk to them. No because I don't want to shatter whatever illusion I have created around her by knowing more of her. Since I don't know her all I see is what i adore and enjoy, Once I talk to her, my expectations will grow and her shortcoming will become visible. Right now I don't see anything negative about her and i like what i see.

I don't know her side of story, to her maybe I am a freak, a creep or whatever. Or maybe she like the attention she gets from me. Well when i don't know and I have to imagine, why won't I imagine the best of scenario. No matter how weird it may seem.

I know so little about her that i don't know what to write, All i can go again and again is the way she looks and how i feel when she looks the way she looks.

It makes me conscious, like I am being judged and she is powerful. well, that's kind of exciting.  

Ohh you know, I wrote all of above in previous night and slept halfway and just now I saw her and the same look made me remember what I was talking. It's fun to write at run time, When the hit is fresh and warm.

sometime I think why god has made all the beautiful things so dangerous? for sure there are exceptions but mostly. Or is it the dangerous quotient which makes it beautiful. Would the ocean and mountains would be that beautiful if they aren't that large? Eruption of volcano is so admiring. Fire is a beautiful thing, so is water and so is she.

Well she is not dangerous not until I meddle with her, I don't plan to because I like the way it is, wanting anything more would be greedy.

What more should I write? for now the loving memory I will cherish is her looking at me like I don't matter which is true.

So be it

Something broke inside me today, I am taking humiliation on a constant basis, but this one are one of those which changes your views.

Earlier humiliations just made me feel like I am useless and worthless and incompetent in some sense, but today whatever happened made me realize that It's just not a question of worth and competency. it's simple and purest feeling of being cheated on.

In a way its good for me, maybe I will never think of romantically being involved in anyway. Being honest was not just a bad idea, it was outright crime. It's not foolishness It was illegal.

I have taken enough, Why I have always been trying to see the perfect person inside others and what in my own definition realizing is a terrible and horrible person or both.

It's a fight of selfishness, i lost and thought that it was because I was selfish and later realized that my selfishness was puny and innocent with what it was dealing with.

Seriously, every passing day I realize that how weak I am, more than the day before. What's the limit of it? When will it stop.

Isn't it's funny that the worst trait of you is that you are nice.

Some part of me wants to confront her, but what's the point. I must be paying for the wrongs I did, I just don't know what wrong.

I must let the grudge go, But I feel this grudge has made me a different person. Where did all the positivism went.

Only answer I have got for all of it is "so be it".

Not good enough!!

"I am no good" its a feeling so humbling and sometime depressing, it gives a dent to your confidence. This realization is shattering.

Most of us feel it one way or other. Different techniques to overcome it. I mean whats the alternative, you can't keep sad or depressed. It's not that you won't, It's just that its virtually impossible to remain depressed all the time.

So what I am not good at ? I don't know. Maybe I am not good at anything.

What was my mistake honey? What I did wrong to deserve this? Is this what I ought to have. You didnt even let me love you. And it would be wrong to say I didnt.

How weak I feel against this. For the first time in my life I tried not to be selfish but maybe I was not good at it. I was honest and truthful and maybe that was a mistake. It gave an impression that I am too plain and boring.

I am broken and feeling very sleepy. Not even be able to open my eyes.there are feelings for which there are no words. And even if I try with words whats the point? I am no good.

Love is a mistake, it can't be prevented

I sometime feels that if you love someone and it cant be fulfilled you eventually start to hate yourself.

I saw you crying and you will never.  

single thread

Kejriwal won the election with landslide margin, There is concerns over rising religious intolerance in India.

But my post is not about politics, It's about me feeling worthless on valentine day once again.

As it turns out Valentines Day is specially brutal on single boys and girls, they are forced to do an introspection as what's wrong with them even though there might be nothing wrong.

In loneliness you need to answer yourself for the reason of loneliness. Often single guys says they are happy single and same with girls. I don't know maybe they are but to me it sounds like sour grapes. I don't mean to say they are saying sour grapes when grapes are sweeter, what I mean is they are saying sour grapes because they haven't it. In reality maybe grapes are really sour.

I am unhappy as single. I never have been in relationship for long, couple of time I had small stints and all of them resulted in painful aftermath. It's tough to maintain relationship and it's boring to remain single. Choose wisely. but as far as I am concerned beggars can't be choosers.

I have almost come to believe that I am not as good a person as I think I am, maybe I am horrible. But why? just because no person of opposite gender fancies me or finds me attractive. Is it a correct parameter to judge if I am good or bad?

I know I am sounding pessimistic perhaps more than usual. But whatever it is show must go on. When you are sad, you realize that it's a matter of choice and you can be happy instead of sad too. positive energy and shit like that which motivational speaker talks about.

I guess a lot of boys and girls are single because they don't compromise. Being  a little flexible is not a sign of weakness, in fact things which are inflexible are more likely to break under strain.

I am hurt, but I would be alright. Life ahead seems rather bleak and so messy that I give up looking and think lets take a day at a time.


 Writing this much is making me feel sleepy, Oh some good news after all.
  

Visit to Corning Museum of Glass

While in US I got the chance to visit the famous Corning Glass Museum. It was magnificent to realize that how a cooled liquid can be given an structure which simply becomes a piece of art. Among many thing we saw the process of making class.

But without doubt the high point was to get to see those pieces of art some of which was hard to believe that is actually glass.

Below are some of those pictures and are taken by me and my friends (Shiv and Suresh).