Each repeat is new

For going to and coming from office I pass from the same path and today too it was the same, I told earlier too that most of the time I look outside from window, If I can't I feel bit suffocated.

I realized that today that i have a strange habit of reading everything outside, every single Billboard, every shop name, every advertisements. I kept doing it everyday and yet strange enough Everyday I find something new which I hadn't read earlier.

So it's like the more I travel from that road the more thing I notices but the scope little smaller, As days are passing I am noticing more and more smaller things.

When I started I used to notice Things which draws your attention like malls, four-ways, over-bridge. then After some days I started noticing smaller things like furniture shops, water tanks smaller roads which are constituting to jams.

After few days things which were even smaller in nature like a house, small shops etc.

These things are going on and I feel everyday my scope of noticing and observing thing is getting finer and I feel it would keep going like this and Each time I will find something new which I didn't noticed earlier.

Walk

I think I can claim this......walking is a great feeling....the sense of movement.....the relative reciprocal movement of the world makes you forget or modify your thoughts......

Whenever I feel low about myself I go for a walk....there is something about it, it always works and by the time I return I am upto a large extent relieved. Other feature is that when you go out for a walk,,,you always notice a lots of new things.....Today when I was walking I somehow was slowly mumbling a song...suddenly I realized how all those years I used to get the wrong meaning of the song.....and the right meaning was so evident still I persisted with the wrong meaning......this perhaps represents that If convinced I usually dont give a second thought.....It makes me stubborn and adamant.

I guess we are what our childhood was.....if childhood was troubled.....the person would remain troubled throughout his life......going by this theory I sometime look at a person and tries to find out how his/her childhood was.......no matter how much I try I always get a prejudice relative to my own childhood......I find it easy to define someone's childhood as brat........someone's childhood as pampered....perhaps coz mine was none of them.

Had to write more...but feeling sleepy......tomorrow or some other day.

Subconscious = unimportant + not urgent

Willing to write something, but what? let me think, let me go back in time and find a day which I want to discuss, personally I prefer discussing those days on which nothing special happened because those days are the days where I lived my life so peacefully and content that I didn't notice anything which is....to say unlikely me.

I wish i go back to those days and adore things which i didn't notice......the realization which was never there and that time when you were not the part of the world even you were in the world.

I love those times, when i felt something real cosmic, I'm sure most of feelers feel it....you feel happiness with just as much of sadness and you wont be able to tell which one was prominent.......you forget every humans you know and everything you own and in many ways you forget yourself too. your identity, your designation, your achievements and your blunders all just dont bother you that very moment.

I feel many people feel this, though i have never ask anyone but certainly if i feel....it can't be unique to me. I sometime ask myself...Do I always talk about myself and then I instinctively revolt and put instances where I didn't, mostly in mitigation. But this question coming out of my conscience in itself says something......It says yes I do and it also says that my subconscious thoughts are becoming conscious and why is that? Maybe because my conscious has not much thoughts.

Things get into sub-conscious and you dont realize that when you have already much in mind.......somehow your brain tag those 'subconscious' thoughts as 'not so important' and filters it so that it don't get into conscious......so that you can concentrate on major issues and thoughts.

This thing is very evident I suppose.......When in world, dealing with people, I don't think what I am thinking now, All there activity goes in my subconscious and only which are unusual and peculiar are noticed, others are just tagged 'not so important' and are stored in subconscious.......

Relation ship-sip-sheep

This question has always been in my mind.........Which one is better?? the relationship god provides us(or by birth for atheist) or the one which we makes by ourselves in the expenditure of our life, course of our life??

In the first instance it seems the relationship we make by ourselves. When I think why??
Maybe because it is just close to our heart we love our decisions basically, We love our choices.

I made a few friends in my life. Time I spent with all those friends are just so awesome.......the jokes we cracked, the gossips we had and don't take me wrong I guess it's the same for many guys if not better.

On the other hand the relationships we had by birth........Mother, Father, uncle, aunt etc. etc. Mother would always be a special relationship to most of person reason must be the selfless love which flows from both side. Relationship with father is very tricky. Fathers are in total control while we are just being desperate for the freedom. Fathers are insecure and their experience of life sort of belittle the capabilities of their children. In that scenario a tussle is inevitable. It goes on until Father lose the control and children gains the independence.

All other relationship from your own nuclear family is a second degree relationship either a leisure or pest depends on person to person also situation to situation.

But somehow in long run I have come to believe that relationship by birth are way too stronger than the relation we choose over them. It is just that we take it for granted. We dont give them the value they deserve we just give them minimum level of importance. We subconsciously stretch it as far as possible.

To please our heart or in better words, to appease our heart we just get inproportionaly and inappropriately indulge in maintaining the relationship which we make just because it appeals to us.

I am not leading to any conclusion but just the thing as I see it......this happens and will happen......maybe that's how we feel of living our life the way we wanted.

Ye Saali Zindagi

Recently i saw this movie 'Ye Saali Zindagi'.........since long i had been disliking Hindi movies mostly coz of their love-theme and exaggerating love and all those stuff.....last good movie I remember was 'A wednesday' due to its gripping plot and great acting.

Infact I was very much reluctant to see that movie and just before that I saw 'Delhi belly' which I think can be termed as a coming of age sort of movie. I wont say Delhi Belly is a great movie but it was okay.

'Ye Saali Zindagi' starcast consist Irrfan Khan who can hardly be considered a star on whom our movies mostly relies nowadays, people goes to watch SRK, Aamir, Salman, Akshay etc etc and enjoy watching them doing things. These stars are at the stage where whatever they do would seem charming, meaningful and cute for the people to whom they have effect on. Personally speaking I don't like Irrfan Khan much due to his troubled look a matching voice.

I decided to start the movie from the middle so that if I find it unbearable I can leave it without any guilt. But then I realized movie wasn't about him, it wasn't about a single protagonist so to say. I was able to watch the movie in one go. Then I started again from the beginning and somehow realized it was a great movie.

It wasn't on any hard-hitting subject, It was about love but not entirely, It was about criminals but not on face reality type, It was about corruption but not with moral garbage. Just a lively movie with a happy ending. Just like you can't judge a book by it's cover, you can't judge a movie by star cast.

One more great thing I found was the music and songs....Really liked the lyrics of few and music of the rest. I can say I was pleased to watch a good hindi movie which is typical yet refreshing.

Restart!

One of the most irksome truth about the life is that its unpredictable, However giving it a deep thought it's what that make life moving, I few know something is going to happen, the time between when we knew and when it will happen would remain meaningless and one might want to pass it without any enthusiasm.

So it serves, the unpredictability, It keeps you absorbed and attentive. In other words it keeps you alive.

I just asked myself "Do i have this natural instinct of creating prefaces?" . Why don't/can't I just tell the crux in short, get to the point. Why Do I feel the need to make it composite? to represent the whole picture, to try to explain anything with totality? In most of the cases it's not even needed, let's realize it.

So getting to the point. I was getting some spam mail from my ex-gf. I ignored them but today I got one more and I found her online, so I asked if she is sending it or its coming accidently. She said she isn't aware of it that such mails are getting sent.

Then it was obvious though she asked How m i? I said 'Good'. Suddenly out of nowhere she asked me if we can start again as a friend?

Truly speaking this disturbed me, mocked my sentiments, but I simply said I dont have the courage to say "no".

Then we talked about how life has been in between this much time, I was talking to her after 2 years.

I have a mixed feeling about the incident. But as I said unpredictability has a purpose. i decided to go with the flow.

I have learnt to channelize me, well so to say, i don't know how determined I am but it seems life wont let me sit idle. From my point of view some disturbances are better than absolute tranqualization. Afterall the quest is to pass the life, it's long if its pacified, it's short if it has disturbances.

Sometime I feel I don't want to know what will happen tomorrow coz I would get the courage at the moment, thinking about it from early might confuse me.
The talks were too formal and ended abruptly

One inspirational instance

It was a normal day, long ago. It was usual summer with unusual heat and restlessness.
Now when I think it so seems arid yet beautiful at that time it seemed so hectic and confusing.

Life is like that only. maybe. maybe not. How does it matters afterall. Throughout my little life I have faced this question most, so much of so that I got the answer as 'nothing matters' absolutely nothings. There is no purpose, It's all illusionary plank. Finding the purpose maybe the only purpose of life and when you find it you realize there was no purpose afterall still you lived on the life in pursue of it.

Anyway coming back to matter. it was a thin and long bench I was sitting on. And against me was the road and chaos which prevail there, 5 minutes before of which I was a part too. Infact the chaos was realized when I detached myself from it.

This boy put the plate infront of me, plate was filled with mashed up 'samosa' and with an aptly diluted chutney with it. A spoon was filled there inbetween the mashed samosa and perhaps that spoon was most lifeless thing in the whole plate.

I put one spoonful in my mouth and i guess i sucked the life out of those ingredient through the tongue to the nerves. It brought me back, from where I don't know but to myself. I started noticing again and I realized that the shop name was denoting some late person.

I looked all around and realized they were all kids with mother not around. I guessed maybe it's their father name on the board of the shop. Why I can't see the mother?? maybe she works somewhere else as a maid or something.

But certainly the shop was being run by kids only now I see the order. One girl of 14 sitting at the corner and washing the plates, spoon and glasses. One other girl of 12 maybe is sitting at the counter and she is being guided by the elder sister as to how much to cut and how much to return for each customer.

Then the boy who served me with the plate. They all seemed so busy doing their work rather professionally. Not expecting any emotional sympathies or attachment.

for them it's simple work. Ideally they should have been in school. Ideally. Life ridicules idle ideas. And again I think it doesn't matters.

While I was thinking that I subconsciously heard someone shouting but was too busy in my plate and things on that. Suddenly i realized a small girl, real small bringing a glass of water for me, she was so small that she had to use both of her hands and still can't cover the full diameter of the glass.

taking so very careful steps so that she dont spill the water out of glass. It just hit me. and she looked at me with those big eyes. I don't know what she was looking for. maybe she was just looking and not looking for.

or perhaps there is a difference, She was the youngest in the brood. While for others it was plain work, straight business. they were not expecting anything. This small girl had this difference, her eyes deserved something.

i took the glass from her hand and she as a child was reading me, all my behavior and actions would be in someway give her some experience about people, Ofcourse she notices everyone like that.

That's how children grows by noticing and trying to understand the elders and their action.

I realized that there was some sense in all this, The eldest girl was taking the biggest responsibility and toughest job of cleansing the plates and utensils, Also she was guiding everyone of them. She was virtually the backbone.

Then the other girl at the counter perhaps had the mathematical knowledge and she was helped by elder sister also.

The boy had to serve the customers and it was only suitable coz he was the only boy among all of them.

Then that little girl had the supposed easiest job of providing glass of water. I don't know if it occurred them naturally or was it well thought but one thing for sure that this order was not incidental.

As i paid and moved from there I have realized I have seen something beautiful. I didn't feel sorry for them. Life is not equal to any of us, we have different degree of struggle to face, it's just how do we face it.

They together were facing it beautifully and bravely.

Restroom

Bathrooms and toilets are the best places. They are basically confession rooms in disguise. there is something about them that make you feel different.

I love to spend time in there, doing nothing. or doing something which i dont do coz its supposed insane. well i guess people do more insane things than what I do. i don't claim i am the only insane.

Actually it's important for being sane if you are supposed to be and your inside is frustrated by it. Human are like water or i have come to conclusion that water are like humans, just as mysterious and they claim to be transparent more often, They think that others make them impure, on their themselves they are purest. most of the times they have undercurrent which is opposite to what we see on the surface. they try to level themselves. they try to change themselves according to the shape of jar(environment) they are in.

When in large mass they become force and are too dangerous. water are very much like us humans. they have copied all our traits and when someone says nature is cruel i think nature is telling us how cruel we are.

I think i deviated from topic. So why is bathroom and toilets like a confession room?? Coz anywhere else we are aware of our activity. we are looking at ourselves with other's eyes. We are adjusting ourselves. we are manipulating in our own capabilities. Now for people all these are necessities, well i have to agree it is. but like water we need to balance the thing.

Where do we balance?? In temple/mosque/church ?? Very unlikely. We are adjusting ourselves there also. We are careful there, we are not free.

Hence it's the Restrooms. Call it my another illogical theory but people who are not clean and sure and pure would spend lesser time in restrooms, coz they hate to all alone looking themselves through their own (not other's) eyes.

Well that doesn't mean that people who spends hell lot of time in restrooms are of purest of hearts. Well they might be suffering (wow! I just killed three mosquitoes in one shot thats bettering my previous personal best record) from constipation or diabetes. It's sure is no litmus test.

Everyone prefers clean toilet and there is no psychology involved there. People spends millions on their bathroom and toilet to make it the absolute marvellous.

what for??

So that they hope in such a great environment maybe they wont be able to face their grayish self. Well it's not a conscious effort I suppose but it's an effort nevertheless.

We are basically running away from ourselves coz ourselves is ugly by our own projected standards. Facing yourselves without a mirror is hell lot of different. It's not a necessity to being a good person but what is necessity is to project yourself being a good(not in literal sense something like polished and clean) person. this projection and its deviation from original compels us to make superb restrooms and washrooms.

In the shine of it we want to get so amused that we accepts the allusions that we are shining from insides also.

Do i sound like i am telling that we all are bad persons?? that's I never meant. We are just person good and bad are too strong a word to describe our delicately complex nature.

But one thing I would like to say that it's not you and your loneliness any more (As famously and romantically Amitabh Bachchan put it). It's you and your image.

you laughs at your image in confession room. your image avoids you as much as possible.

you know your image is necessary, your inner self taunts you. But who cares??

Observation > perception > Stereotyping

People with bad hand-writing are usually good in studies, people who are thin usually like spicy foods, beautiful girls are usually dumb and vacant/hollow.

These are/were some of mine, everyone has got it. no matter arguing over it if it's right or wrong. It's just how we study. Life is a process of studying, It's mind purpose and these concepts are building blocks which even can be mindless and without any foundation still become the foundation of your becoming.

Also on a negative side it's the start of xenophobic as well as jingoistic idea. Everyone is a racist in a way, just at the point we try to judge a person by his/her looks, color, behavior, language we becomes a racist and we can't help it. Well maybe racist is not a good word it's rather offending.

Observation it is in it's purest stage, a good observant is usually thoughtful person that too is an observation but we can easily find a logic in it. But logic always follows observations. We observes and then we 'find' the logic and then we apply that logic on few more observations and accepts or rejects the logic.

I have met people who are brilliant in studies and have really good handwriting, There must be beautiful girls who are very brainy indeed afterall one works in my office. But still we cant help and keep making such concepts and we dont mind making it until its confined upto us.

You see a person of different originality than yours and you start observing him/her straightforward with or without confronting him/her. If you look closely it's rather natural we can't help it, it's our nature, human nature. we fail but failing don't stops you from trying.

Something like loving, you love and you get hurt but you cant stop loving and thats the reason of your frustrations. Actually you detest yourself for being so weak against human nature.

What one should be careful is that our nature shoudnt affects our behavior in negative manner.

Loneliness

 I was lazy enough to mention that. What I should mention? why I should mention?? What's the purpose? Meaningless seems ultimate eventuality.

I slept for whole day, I woke up when most people go to sleep. This strange feel of waking at wrong time is so unique. I never could decipher it. It seems like the dynamism has lessened a lot than it was before sleeping. Maybe we de-celebrate (don't know the correct word) returning back to this real world.

I am awake now with nothing to do, noone to talk, I am habitual of these scenarios but it still feels like a new experience. I get amused as for how long one can feel lonely? If you are frustrated all the tym, you wont feel frustrated. we get accustomed to the situation. Mostly it's the transition from one feeling to another pleases or hurt as the matter may be.

But loneliness seems an exception, you would keep feeling lonely throughout. I think maybe bcoz we are lonely among the crowd. Thirst increases by seeing the water.

I have this habit of overdoing things. To get rid of something I overdo that and this overdoing kills any underlying anxiety or pleasure and sumtym pain. After sumtym we fail to feel the pleasure or pain if we overdo things.

it doesn't works for loneliness, But Still I remain content since I don't have any valid options which can be done without the adulteration to my concepts.

Thinking is a boon as well as bane, There are many who too bear loneliness but they don't feel it coz they don't/can't think about it much. Thinking about problem many times help us solve the problem but many times it makes the problems more problematic.

There are few mosquitoes around me so maybe I am not as lonely as I think. But then loneliness is really not just about being alone. If you are in a group even then you can be lonely. It's the feeling of 'isolation' that's loneliness