An evening

And I saw the shine in her eyes and it took me some time to realize that it's evident that it's actually moisture which is shining.

I have heard that the consumption of alcohol leads to moist eyes. Was it the same? I couldn't say but while I was thinking it started getting real watery.

Her eyes were full of tears, it struck me. I don't know how to handle that. For me the most honest approach is to feel the other person's sadness. I guess it comes out with my own experience. But it was so fast that I was sort of shocked.

A cute girl in tear is not a nice thing to handle. But thankfully she got her composure back and it got sort of normal. I don't know but it feels like girls at least most of them are so quick silver volatile. Their emotions flows like an inside of half filled water-tank going through rough terrains with real top speed.

For a guy like me who relies on stability and certainty, One whose mind is infested by lust and greed. Such vulnerable behavior are an insight into different world.

And then we moved forward, I have always find difficult to argue with girls, they are so repetitive and forceful, also puts a lot of thing into perspective so quickly that you cannot synchronize all of it and come out with a conclusion of yours.

It's fun to argue if you are not serious but yes it's hard to win. However I recently studied somewhere that women like to argue with the guys she is interested in. When they lose interest their urge to argue gets lesser.

So you can feel good if she is arguing with you. Anyhow she looked cute so I don't care if I lose a couple of arguments.

I always find that women words don't matches their action. This was no exception. She says she don't care anything. but it seems little things does matter to her.

I feel such an idiot for being so greedy on her. I know I should not have. But I don't know. Maybe that's what it was meant to be.

Sometime I feel our lives are the quest of feeling good about ourselves. Not only good but also feeling special, trusted and loved.  That is what after all makes us happy. We also relies on others for this.

It was a great evening. It was special.It was amateur, I was confused and she was lovely. I don't know why but I feel I owe her something somewhere.

I better not divulge more of it. I liked it and maybe it was best evening for me this year or maybe last few years.     
   

First Impression

It's my first week in USA and I am not moving out as much as I would like to still I guess I have enough content to make a post about first hand experience of my visit. Note that much of this might will change later on as I face more of US.

I have been visiting to NY for business reasons. If I have to draw parallel I would say that NY is like Mumbai however there is vast difference between two cities.

Before coming to US, I had much doubts and I was circumspect about the people here and their respective behavior, So I am going to in a way answer my own doubts I had earlier.

There are stereotyping which is very much prevalent. Indian, Chinese, Italian, Mexicans etc. there are stereotypes about each and all. However It's difficult to stereotype American, for the simple reason that for generations now different people are staying in America and have become Americans and it's really difficult to put them in a single thread.

For example When I reached at JFK airport the lady who was synchronizing the lines for Visa verification looked South American, The officer who did the visa verification seemed some European guy and the one who was there for custom goods verification was Chinese person (It's difficult for me to differentiate between Chinese, Japanese, Korean or Vietnamese)

Since there are different orientation people as part of america, defining American is next to impossible. However still if I have to define, I would put few point which I feel more or less is applicable to most of US people.

First thing which I feel is US people does not like to be hesitant, They believe in putting their point even if they are not very sure about it. Even if they are hesitant about something they would prefer to expose that. In other words If a US person does not know what others are talking about he would like to let you know rather than silently pretend that he knows.

US people are consciously nice and in the same way consciously rude in few cases. With consciously I mean being nicer to you is a conscious effort by them, It might not be their natural behavior to nice but they might have adapted to be nice.

Coming from India, one vast difference is that we Indians and same would be applicable to other developing countries that we have a culture to 'manage' and 'co-operate'. In a place meant for 3 people sitting, 5 people can manage or co-operate. Much of it is due to (over)population and underdeveloped infrastructure. But bottom line is in US people don't have this idea of 'managing' even if there is shortage of resources.

Consumerism and Commercialization has got into the bones of US, Almost everything has a business viewpoint. At the end of the day you have to sell something to someone, it might be an idea or a product or whatever, only condition is that the means should be fair.

Fashion is other noticeable thing, To maintain the spirit of fashion, people seems to be going at length, the dressing, the tattoos, weird piercing, unconventional clothing. To be true I am enjoying it. I don't think it would keep amusing me for long and then it might just become meaningless.

Rules are rules and not guidelines. Again in India we take rules as suggestions and we use our brains to modify those rules in such a manner that it is beneficial. Traffic is maintained mostly when there is traffic police. Not that people are scared of traffic police but because they don't want to pay fine or bribe. In US on the other hand rules are much to do with discipline.

P.S. - I like the way when after the signal to cross the road for pedestrian is turned on, people from the both side of road walk toward the other end in such a manner that it gives an impression for a moment that two sets of people are running to meet their loved ones since they were separated long ago.

To be continued...................  


        

Getting over

Happiness is a choice.

read it somewhere. Don't agree to it but still noting it down because I might be wrong.

I have been thinking about relationship break-ups. It is devastating for anyone who is mentally and emotionally involved with someone.

The process of getting over someone. It seems like there is no easy escape when you are stuck in the middle of break-up of something which you valued much.

I guess it is specially tough on the male species. One simple reason of me guessing that is because men are not supposed to cry. It's programmed in our psyche in such a way that though we are broken inside into small pieces, we can't cry.

Men also don't carry those type of friendship with other men where they can pour their heart out and expect other person to talk him out of the depression. So all in all we have to deal with it ourselves.

Initially we try a lot of things, well hell lot of things. get ourselves into new hobbies or passion, try to instigate a new relationship out of thin air. Keep ourselves totally busy among friends. These are a few positive things of course there are a few negative aspects also.

But bottom line is men believe in action, they like to think that by indulging into activities they will somehow get rid of those unsolved business festering inside their heart.

Obviously whoever has felt it, knows that none of those activities works for long. Soon you realize that no matter what you do it will always be there at the back of your head. You are merely trying to ignore it, and the more you try to ignore it the greater frustration it leads you to.


it has been almost 4 years and I still can't honestly say that I have got over it totally. Maybe I will never but I have learned to live with it.

So why it is so difficult?

When we love someone, we expose ourselves. We show how weak we are and truth is we all are weak inside, at least weaker than what image we carry of ourselves in the real world and to the society.

We expose ourselves and puts us in a vulnerable position and secretly hopes that the person to whom we are open does not freaks out and accepts it. Other person sees the goodness in us. I would emphasize that each of us are really good people deep beneath our heart and all our badness is basically a reaction to different scenarios. We keep justifying even our bad actions.

As soon as other person likes your real self and let you know that or you observe that, you move to different galaxy. It's a great feeling to be loved by someone whom you love. Nothing will ever beat it. you loosen all your threads and likes to get woven with other person.

You dream. you feel strong and complete. Of course all these happens on a subconscious level and you are so in middle of it that you don't realize what web you heave got yourself into it.

Now there are a thousand reason for it going wrong. You were stupid, other person was stupid, it wasn't meant to be, situations were different. lack of communication, ego, misunderstanding, different expectations etc. etc.

Irrespective of what the reason is when it breaks you gets a sinking feeling right away. Your dreams which were so dear to you starts haunting you and you want to bury it deep so that it doesn't bother you but you can't. You get angry over yourself  that you are so not in your own control.

You try to ignite the anger inside you, you try to hate the other person. But how can you hate someone whom you so selflessly loved once. It's a scene of total despair, frustration and desperation. Your heart still is clinging to that dream and wonderful feelings and you feel you are in a fix. you try to search for your fault, you search for your ex fault. but all of it is so futile.

You simply search a way so that you can wash all of it for once and all. But it doesn't happen that way. To add to the problem you get doubtful about yourself, you think that you are not a good or competent person. your self-esteem and self-respect both goes for a toss.

What a horrible situation. :)

Bad news is that there is no escape from it. Anyone who goes through it has to go through it. Just know that you are doing good, that's all one can do. Time will not heal it, but with time you will learn to get at peace with it. It would make you a stronger and resilient person. Good or bad for whatever it may be.

Soon all those moments of love which haunted you like a lashing rain on cold night will become warmer like a noon of winter.

You can't forget it, no one can forget it. How can you forget the pure moment when you were totally vulnerable yourself and someone appreciated the real you? Soon you will not get angry over yourself for being stupid, instead you will smile and think that probably it was meant to be like that.

There are no tricks, there is no remedy and there is no escape for a broken heart.

No matter how much you try to hate that other person, you soon will love the fact that you loved that very person at that very moment. you know he or she was so beautiful and pure at that moment when you loved him or her.

Different persons has different ways of remembering the unfortunate break-ups. After some point you sort of get a choice as how you want to remember it.

I have chosen to remember it as some of the best moment of my life. For that very brief moment, for that really innocent girl, for good or bad, I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be selfless.

I am no more a person I was at that time. She is no more the innocent girl she was at that moment. But on the reference of time that very moment was perfectly pure or purely perfect.

It took time, It will take time. Have patience. Have belief.        

It grows on you

People always give more importance to mental attraction than physical attraction, at least in theory we do prefer soul is more important than body. I feel it's true also. But I feel it doesn't start that way. Physical attraction is a starter, mental attraction is the main course.

I saw her image and I thought like it was kind of innocent. Then I saw her and honestly I was disappointed, looks are deceiving. Images/Pictures are way more deceiving. specially in the age of photoshop world.

Like always i am not going to disclose who you are. But i want to talk to you. You are beautiful and you might have heard it a lot more. You are not most beautiful girl I have seen, well you might not be most beautiful girl I have seen in a day. But there is a perfection about you.

With perfection, I don't mean you are perfect. What i mean is you are perfect in the way you are. I can think of a thousand way to alter you, but believe me none of those alteration makes you any more beautiful. Those eyes, that complexion, that figure, the voice.

When a boy likes a girl, he celebrates her existence in many ways, I do yours, I have celebrated for a few before you, I will celebrate a few after you. Initially it hurts that the girl does not feel the same way as we do for her. It frustrates us, typically I start ignoring to counter balance, but I know I really like you. The attraction is strong.

Everyone's life is a struggle, we seek a partner with whom the will to struggle gets stronger. Some of us get, some of us don't. In whatever life I have lived so far I can honestly claim that I am a miserable person to be with. I a not saying to impress, I know I am. bottom line is now I tend to believe that you are better off me.

As soon as a guy gets attracted to girl, she starts to seem more bright and valuable, her life seems to be cool and in retrospection your life starts to seem barren and meaningless and unproductive. This contrast makes you look up toward her with a sense of desire. It's not a great feeling to realize the loneliness and meaningless. It's like looking at clear water and realizing your thirst.

I also feel that you have little misconceptions about yourself, I know you feel and wish that you might have been more good looking if there could have been something extra. But I said it before and again the way I look at you, you are perfect, any alteration to you will be taking away the essence of your beauty. you don't realize that what you consider your negative point is actually your best feature. It makes you look so real that when I look at you my heart skips a few beat and for a few second I look like an idiot.

the way I see you, you are an amazing balance of modern and tradition. Just don't overdo any of that. Don't follow fashion mindlessly. You have a unique identity, stand by it. don't let the frog(s) tell the bird how to sing.

In a way i feel bad that I missed you, but then I think it wasn't meant to be. I know you will face many problems in your life, I don't know if I am sad or happy to realize that I would not be ne of those problem.

Honestly speaking I hope my writing of this piece will help me get over your attraction, maybe I face better to those beautiful eyes of yours. A childish part of me wish that maybe if we could have opened ourselves toward each other then.....

And then I stop myself from thinking further because again it's a gateway to hope. But then that's me.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me and neither this is any gimmick by me, I would be alright and you would be doing good either. This temporary problem of me being attracted toward you lusty radiance will diminish by time.

If I have not put it strongly earlier, I would emphasize again, you are one of the most attractive person I have been affected with. Please realize your beauty, don't follow the traditional definition of beauty. yours is not that plastic beauty. yours is more real, lively and mesmerizing. yours is one which grows on the person with time, your beauty is not in your face or figure, it's in the way you carry yourself gracefully. the unsure innocent look you have.

There are people who would like to demean you, people around you who would like to subtly or maybe bluntly try to make you realize your shortcoming or that's how they think it is. They would try to in many ways impose on you the inability to come in terms with the socially acceptable conventional ideas of beauty. Let me tell you something, if you make me to compare you with those beauties, I consider themselves ugly. sure my verdict is immaterial as most of people would find them more attractive. Then i am not most people, neither are you. Don't let those most people any less good about you. You are way more transparent than any of those around you.

I hope you get to read it sometime, i tried to keep it ambiguous enough to let people guess. but it's for you. And hey you should have allowed me that day.     

The Porn Logic

Pornography is disgusting. When others watch it. It's not when you wish to. I have been an avid porn watcher, I can well be honest with that, The reason behind should be obvious still just to answer is curiosity and refreshment. Like all teens I too was curious and the thing with porn is the more you go into it , the more you want to go into it.Porn has been alleged to provide wrong information about a girl's sexuality, It's correct. It's as much as correct as an action movie provide the wrong information about the stunts.

My intention is not to give judgement or prove a point because ultimately it doesn't matter. There will always be a pro and cons debate about it. As far as my views are concerned it always feel like the pros are well more than cons.

Moving ahead, there are a lots of stereotyping, which anyone can find prevalent in the porn movies since it's inception. I am going to list a few. So here we go.

1.  Any girl's whose car has broken down is up for having some hot steamy sex with the total stranger guy who gives her a lift.
2. For girls, taking revenge means having adultery.
3. All Nurses are slutty.
4. A girl would do 'anything' for getting good grades except studying.
5. If it's Japan, molesting a girl on train is probably legitimate.
6. If some weird game is going on which involves sex and you can't fathom the logic of the game, it's Japan.
7. Girls can go any length to become a model.
8. If she is a policewoman she would always voluntarily go amongst thugs and criminals alone, and never asks for any back-up.
9. By the punishment of sex, a bad behaving girl can be turned into a well behaved girl!!
10. Just like nurses, all babysitters are horny.
11. A maid always needs some extra money and can go at length for that, just like babysitters.
12. According to porn, a friend's mom, sis or daughter are legitimate target and they would never seriously stop your advances.
13. Girls/women who can't speak English are surprisingly promiscuous.
14. Czech and Ukranian Girls are all for money-for-sex stuff.
15. If ever a girl is caught watching porn or reading sex magazine, the ultimate punishment to her is....yeah right sex!!
16. The more the merrier as they say.
17. Her being drunk is probably an open invitation.
18. The couch and desk in a casting room is there for a reason. 
19. The most satisfying job for men apparently is either being a plumber or a Pizza delivery boy.
20. If you at random pick a chick from some road or market place, after 10-15 minutes of chit-chat in all probability she would be willing!!
21. If you do it in a bus or in park, people will clap in the end.
22. Like all babysitters and maids, Secretaries are horny and willing and hot too.
23. Even if she is a housewife and is at home and is doing nothing she would always be in high heels and mini skirts....because opportunity can knock the door anytime...
24. Nuns have lustful desires.
25. A girl can be blackmailed into it for trivial reasons without any long term consequences.
26. She knows how to pay bills and rent even if she has no money.
27. You take it out and she is impressed!!....well specially if you are black.
28. Even if she has a tooth ache, Doctors will go for a thorough examination...specially by putting the stethoscope on her breast.
29. Stewardesses is always there for your needs, just like nurses.
30. She either wants it or too dumb or both.
31. Brides specially brides to be can't control it and usually best man instead of the man himself she finds solace with.

I would take a rest on these much, Might update later, feel free to add. Having said that if you find it offending or gross or whatever you know you should not have gone through it.

Have a good time.

Space Ambition of Poors

I have taken the effort to post this thoughts based on the frequent questions regarding the India's space exploration program. Today 5th November India launched it's first Mars mission.It's a multiple phase exploration which if successful would reach in mars orbit by expected 24th September 2014, almost after 10 months.

So why India is in such a hurry for space explorations? A country which have highest number of children with malnutrition, country where unemployment is prevalent, consists of world's largest slum. How come space exploration became such a priority for a country which is home to poor. Is India insensitive toward it's own farmer who are thrust with the load of loans and taxes. There is a huge social imbalance and the country is facing a big threat externally by terrorism and internally by maoism.

The western world seems conceived on this that India should revisit it's priority.They are genuinely concerned on the condition of underprivileged. The average salary of 1,25,00,00,000 people is less than $100 per month and if you are earning more than $0.40 per day you are not considered poor. Considering all this how can a "Mars" mission can be justified?

Here is the list of money spent by respective country in terms of space explorations. source : wikipedia

Agency	Budget (USD)
United States	NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration)	$17,700 million (2012)[73]
Russia	ROSCOSMOS (Russian Federal Space Agency)	$5,600 million (2013)[74]
European Union[show]	ESA (European Space Agency)	$5,380 million (2012)[75]
France	CNES (French Space Agency)	$2,822 million (2010)[76]
Japan	JAXA (Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency)	$2,460 million[77]
Germany	DLR (German Aerospace Center)	$2,000 million[78]
India	ISRO (Indian Space Research Organization)	$1,320 million[79]
China	CNSA (China National Space Administration)	$1,300 million[80]
Italy	ASI (Italian Space Agency)	$1,000 million[81]
Iran	ISA (Iranian Space Agency)	$500 million[82]
Canada	CSA (Canadian Space Agency)	$488.7 million[83]
United Kingdom	UKSA (UK Space Agency)	$414 million[84]
Brazil	AEB (Brazilian Space Agency)	$343 million[85]
South Korea	KARI (Korea Aerospace Research Institute)	$300 million[86]

Notice that India is spending inch more than China, which is surprising considering China is way ahead a developing country and global superpower as compared to India. India spending more  or China spending less?

USA is spending almost three times of the agency that follow and as compared to India 13 times more.  USA NASA has much achievements on their plate and is leading the world's quest of space explorations.

Now let's review the top defense budgets of countries

1	United States	$68200.0 million
2	People's Republic of Chinax	$16600.0 million
3	Russiax	$9070.0 million
4	United Kingdom	$6080.0 million
5	Japan	$5930.0 million
6	France	$5890.0 million
7	Saudi Arabiay	$5670.0 million
8	India	$4610.0 million
9	Germanyx	$4580.0 million
10	Italyx	$3400.0 million
11	Brazil	$3310.0 million
12	South Korea	$3170.0 million

 
No country is spending on space exploration as much as on defense budget. fair enough, but if you compare the ratio, you will find out that it's a meager sum of. Countries seems more interested in buying - selling arms and ammunition than really doing some productive scientific research. In comparison India is spending much more on Space research in comparison to the ratio of defense budget.

One example where this expenditure bore fruit for India is recent Phailin typhoon which was tracked by Indian Meteorological System(though bit late) and subsequently helped in largest evacuation of potential victims.

Now back to the spending on poor people rather than spending on space research programs. Everyone who believed that should visit this link . I believe that the money which should have gone to poor people are going into politician's pockets and no one raises their eye brows. But all tends to believe that the money which is being spent on research should be used for the welfare of poor people.

I sincerely believe that those who make such suggestion has never been really understood the dynamics of problem faced by a developing country. They tends to believe that poverty can be magically eradicated at one go. not the case. eradication of poverty is long and highly painstaking phenomena. It needs a conducive environment. Poverty is aligned with unemployment which is aligned with over population which in turn is aligned to illiteracy which is aligned to poverty. Government can provide school but it can't force kids to attend it regularly. It needs a wholistic approach and make no mistake its a really long process.

Now should India wait for the completion of this long process to go for space exploration research? Why because it doesn't go well with conscience to spend on science while people are hungry? If the space exploration is shut down would it have any substantial positive effect on poverty eradication? On that line shouldn't we cut our defense expenditure? also then should we not put such a mechanism which stops any shitty movie garner $20 million in a week or so because that also can be instead be used for feeding the poor or so.

The idea is when all this is not being stopped then why Space research is targeted? If we try to get rid of poverty first and then wait to get rid of unemployment and then other blockages of developing world then we might have to wait anything between 100 to 500 years, till then we don't have any moral or ethical right for Space exploration? If that's the case I have to disagree with such law. Progress should be parallel, not linear.We cannot and should not keep our technical prowess hostage to our poor social or economical condition. In fact we should look for a way where we can use our technical stronghold to balance or support our weak points.

Let's face it, our earth is getting exhausted day after day, Resources are excavated at a high rate to support our need. There is an issue of global warming, There have been huge deforestation. We still don't have technical expertize to put renewable solar energy to put it as a really credible alternative to the non-renewable resources.

Yes we are survivors and we have amazing quality to adapt, but would we be able to adapt to harsh climate changes which is not natural and caused by humans itself credited to their inability to look far beyond their near future. We have large pile of nuclear missiles which given to our human nature of impatience and thoughtlessness can well be used against ourselves. Even if some of us can survive that, would the earth be suitable with that high radiation to support life for long.

All of this leads to the point that we need an alternative to earth if the humankind plan to survive for long. And what we are doing in that regard? making smartphones 15% thinner? crisp retina display which gives amazing experience might not help there. When was the last man to walk on moon? In 1969 that was also the first time and it has been 44 years.

I am no scientist, neither do I have any expertize to make a comment on this but i feel by now we should have established some sort of station on Moon. When they made the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey , they knew they are exaggerating and nothing shown in the movie will be happening in 2001 but surely they had no idea that we would be lagging behind so much of so.

time is really passing at fast pace and if we don't want to get extinct like Dinosaur did we better start planning for the alternative. It's a painful truth that mother earth is going to die someday. Does humankind plan to die before or with her?

It's not for a country alone to come up with a solution but we can count on all little contribution by everyone. Ideal way would be a collective, sincere and dedicated approach to do research and find out a solution while we still have time.               

Community of Love

One more in the line from Harishankar Parsai, this one originally in Hindi is named as "Prem Ki Biraadri" which can be translated to "Community of Love". Parsai was no doubt ahead of his time, through his words it seems he always tried to counter the illogical and orthodox ideas which leads to the separations specially in forms of Caste. But his style was unique, it wasn't primarily supposed to attack but simply show the illogical dimensions and then leave on the reader to think that too with sarcasm. He is known for making multiple mythological references in his stories too. this story is no exception.

So here is my translation, excuse me for the errors, I am not a professional just wanted to spread the words.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His everything is pious. had a marriage in his own caste with bands and music. Wife didn't look at other male even in her seven lives. He got his son and daughter married with traditions. provided the dowry for the girl and took dowry for the son. Himself selected a boy and made him his daughter's husband. Himself selected a girl and made her the wife of his son.

   Everything of his is pious. he has property, have always time and passes time in the discussion about others defilement. Even then whatever time he is left with he picks out the white hairs from his mustache and wait for the lady who sells utensils.

  the face of purity needs the the dirty water of others impurity for cleanliness and glow. He always keeps the jug of water of others impurity. And as soon as he meets uses that water to show his sanctity. In last days he has already told the incident of 2 girls eloping, 3 women's abortion, 4 having inter-caste marriage and 2 married women's extra marital affairs.

  That day he came to me while picking his teeth. After lunch its really necessary to have the dessert of defilement discussion. helps in digestion. He started his dessert - "did you hear some mister's daughter eloped with some boy and they got married in Allahabad. What bad times has come". I know that he isn't actually sad with 'bad times', he is happy. more the bad times will come, happier he will get. Then they will feel proud about or will say that even in such bad times we are as good as earlier. Some people are very clever. They find the opportunity of personal pride in group degradation and feel free by saying their own degradation as group degradation.

 According to my own evil habit, I told - "What is there to worry about? In our country good and successful marriage has happened by getting the girl eloped. Lord Kishna eloped with Rukmini and Arjuna with Krishna's sister Subhadra. Krishna had supported it. If brother cooperate then it gets easier to elope with girl".

 He didn't know that I will slap him with Puranas. He got his composure and said - "Lord Krishna's story is different". I said - "Right, it is indeed different. If god gets the woman elope then it comes into prayer. If a common man does the same it becomes immoral. The girl you are talking about got out of her house by her own and married on her own. So what happened?"

He started saying - "you always talk opposite - Rules, traditions, culture, traditions are nothing? Do you know that girl and boy were of different caste".

I asked - "do they belong to human caste?"

He said - "Yes, what doubt is it in them being of human caste".

I said - "Then the marriage happened in the human caste. We have the history where great people have married out of human caste - for example Bheema married with Hidimba".

Such incidents are increasing, What's the reason that girl and boy have to run away to get married? 24-25 year old boys and girls have got the right to make the Indian government but not their life partner.

Everyday i hear about such incidents, two types of letter has got patented. the idea behind is this. One who has to marry by running away them as well as those who don't have to , both can use it.

Letter no. 1

Dear Father,

              I here have married Ramesh with Vedic traditions. We are good. Please don't worry. I hope that you and mother will forgive me.

                                                                                                                           Your daughter,
                                                                                                                             Sunita

Letter no. 2

Dear Ramesh,

             I cannot go against the wish of my parents. forgive me. You please get married and be happy. If you would be sad then I will never get peace. by heart I am yours. (After 4-5 years when you will come, then I will say to Pappu - "Son, say hi to uncle").

                                                                                                                            Yours,
                                                                                                                             Vinita

After that an interesting phenomenon starts, Parents says - "She has died for us, Now we will not even see her face". After some month when I go to them then that same girl brings the tea.

I asks them - "She has been dead for you?" And they says - "After all she is our daughter". Then I think one who is a daughter after all why she was not the daughter before all?

I am aware of parents feelings. It hurts when you see trust and tradition breaking. When Sherpa Tenzing came back from Mount Everest, someone asked him if there is Lord Shiva? then he replied no, he isn't there. A person with much pain told me that Tenzing should not have denied like that. I said - "He didn't find Lord Shiva there so he said he isn't there". The person said - "Still he should not have denied". I said - "But if he isn't there then......."

He said - "Even then he shouldn't have said 'no' ". I asked him - "Do you believe that lord Shiva is there?" He said - "We know that Lord Shiva is not there but have a belief in our heart that he is there and he is powerful and if some trouble will come on us, he will help us out".

False beliefs  also has a strong force. breaking of which makes sad instead of happy.

A person's daughter wanted to marry a boy of other caste. But her parents strong belief on the eternity of caste system came in the way. Boy was having a good income. But instead her parents married her to other boy of their own caste who not only had less income but also used to beat his wife. One day I told him that - I have heard that your daughter is in a bad condition. He beats her. The person didn't answer. but what would he have answered other than that - satisfaction is that she is getting beaten by own caste person.

After all what traditions these people talks about? What ideal they are following? Lord Rama is considered best male and Lady Sita best female. No better male-female can be imagined from these two neither our society has any marriage better than theirs. Tulsidas who created the best male says that in the garden after hearing the sound of Sita bracelet-bangle noise Lord Rama confesses to Lakshmana that it seems I am lost. Which means the bow of Rama's heart was broken at that very moment. pre-marital love happened and then married happened. Today what we are following by looking at it maybe it wasn't happened the way Tulsidas described. It would have been something like Rama would have asked Lakshamana whose sound is of this bracelets? Lakshamana would have said - It's King Janak daughter Sita. then Rama would have asked that if Janak belongs to our community? Lakshmana would have replied - Yes, King J.K. Singh is of our own community. Rama would have said - that's why my heart is vibrated. If he would have of some other community my heart won't have had any effect.

What do you will tell these boys and girls? Only that love has communities. There is one Hindu love, One Muslim love, One Brahman love, One thakur love, One Aggrawal love. If some Javed Aalam marries some Jayanti Guha, People make hue and cry into the country and sometime instigate riots also.

On these scenario going forward youngster's love scene would be something like this. Boy and girl meets and then talks start.
 Boy - are you a Brahman? and if you are then of which type of Brahman you are?
Girl - Why? what's the matter?
Boy- Nothing. Just I thought of loving you.
Girl- I am a khatri.
Boy- Then we can't be in love because I am a Brahman.

People says that after all, constant ideology and eternal tradition is also something. That's right but other than stupidity nothing is eternal tradition. Stupidity is immortal. It's gets alive again after dying multiple times.

On the other side I asks girls and boys that Vedas are here too and so is Vedic tradition, then why didn't you marry here and why you ran away to some other place?

They say - Here parents would have created troubles.

I understood. these youths will surely bring revolution but by maintaining status-quo.

The gentleman who used to gave me the news was saying that us seniors life long experiences also has some importance. I said - experience is important but more important is that what one learned from his experience. If someone in his 50-60 years experience only learned that to be a coward from everyone then this result of experience is doubtful. Someone else with the same amount of experience would have learned to not be afraid of anyone.

You are talking about 50-60 years. Earthworm in its million years of experience has learned that there should not be backbone.     

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(Let me know in comments if and how did you liked it, that's my only source of motivation :))

 

Start

Since morning my mood was off, it was even more tested with a friend's annoying request to which I didn't want to be part of.

Eventually I gave up and accepted the irritating request, it also ensured that the friendship has been damaged. I have come to believe that I am impossible to be friend with because...just say I am a dictator when it comes to myself. I am one of those guys who if ever get suspicious of being used or avoided or ignored or mocked will break everything in one go and move away. Once broken it's hard to rebuild. Ofcourse people try but let's face it I am not their priority, their life is their priority. Interestingly I am perfectly okay with it. I mean even though I break up internally i never think or believe that they owe me anything and if they ever apologize it only makes me feel guilty so I just secretly hope that they don't.

So today was it for that friend...well no more a friend I once believed he would be....So all in all the number of people I am at ease with is really minimum.

I don't like to be disturbed when I am thinking something, a wish which would never be fulfilled. I suddenly got a call from an unknown number. My first reaction to avoid it. I don't want a credit card or loan, neither I want to donate for the blinds, well not because money is dear to me , it is of course but because I don't trust the people who calls and ask for money. I don't want to be the idiot who thought he is donating money for good works and is laughed upon by few guys clinking their glasses of wine.

So I got tempted to cut the call but then I overcome that with the notion that it might be someone genuinely want to talk to me, so I picked the phone, thankfully. as I said "hello", some girl confirmed that it's me by calling my nick-name, it was my cousin. my paternal aunt daughter.

And then it stuck me. Why it's so weird? because just like friends I also don't give relatives any second chance. In fact so much of so that I consider relatives as human looking parasites. It has much to do with my personal experience. I have forced myself out of that web.

I had no contacts with any of my relatives since long and frankly speaking I really didn't want to with most of them. But this cousin of mine is special she is a link to my childhood. She is a younger sister and also perhaps my first friend to whom I really got along well. I always felt that we had a relation which would never be deteriorated with our falling families relations. We always have a mutual likeliness and respect mainly because our friendship was made on innocence.

However I quickly overcame my surprise and got along well with the flow. She was not hesitant which is an inborn trait in me...that's why maybe we get along well. maybe we inspire each other to somewhat degree. We were talking after 10 years and 10 years before I guess we talked after 5 years. So naturally we came really really long way......She matured as a girl and well I was born matured just got more and more arrogant with time.

Hence we talked for long understandably I was the listener for most part of it. But after long long time it felt really good to connect with my sister. Knowing myself I would have probably never contacted her out of the doubtfulness as if I should or not.

Now it seems like a new start where we would take forward with whatever our aging parents had in common. Probably with a more open mindset as we don't have issues to resolve between us and say have a more positive and open outlook.            

Stop it!!

I feel It's that time again, I am feeling down, sad and lonely. more internally than externally.

I guess I consciously try to avoid talking about myself, my insecurities but today I won't hold any bar. What's wrong with me? I guess I am born 20 years or so late. I don't gel very well with the current culture. I always feel left alone. Of course it's my behaviors which are the main reason.

I will talk about myself only, today 04-07-2013 05:02 AM I am still awake with a very stoic feelings. This feeling is not new to me but it still strike afresh and it's so very effective. What triggered this feeling? Well say news of someone getting seperated who never was really close to me but I really adored her throughout.

I never talked to her, never touched her. She barely knew about my existence in the world. And now the news that perhaps I will never see her again is so killing me. I don't know how to overcome it. and it disturbed me so much of so that even a lazy person like me is forced to write it down in hope that I may find some solace.

Loneliness is crushing and to most of us it's a big monster, but in my case it's even more scathing because I am the reason of my loneliness, my doubts, my stubbornness, my values and my ego. All in all I am an unbearable soul and it can well be said that I don't have the right to crib since I am the culprit.

When I look at my parents who are getting older and the thought that they will be gone one day shatters me so much that I desperately try to not to think on that line but it's inevitable. It's law of nature. Still I feel I would never be able to come to terms with the idea of my existence without them. They always complains that I don't call. Well I don't because a) I am a procrastinator and b) I really have nothing to talk to them.Still I feel my existence is nullified without my parents.

Next when I think about my friends. I was and am an introvert. I didn't make much friends. But I thought I made quality friends. They all have special places in my heart even though to a few I am not on a talking terms. I lost virtually all of them and they too got busy in their respective lives. I am not complaining I mean this is how it happens what I miss that had I been a bit more expressive and active maybe I would have maintained a better tie with my friends.

My Love life , a total disaster. had one relationship which I consider as a relationship and I really don't know how the other party thinks of it now maybe a fluke. My mistake was to think that I am acceptable even though my anti outgoing nature. Of course she made me believe that I am special and stuff but think about it doesn't all the guys in love feels similar way. And the biggest bonus for sure was to know the inevitable breakup, the inability to accept it and desperately trying to mend what is already broken. All my dreams and aspirations which I shared with her or which I made her a part of started haunting me. A metaphor would be when a person sees his own house being turned into debris and all he could do is stand and hope that something miraculous will happen and everything will be as what he planned.

I won't say I came out stronger on the other side but something like that. It made sure that I will be always avoiding any serious relationship. what I feel I gone through and the pessimist I am I can only hope that at the very best the same would be repeated. So I decided to take as it comes and avoid relationships, well honestly avoid opportunities. I still fantasize some pretty girl professing about her inner feelings for me and how most of my moves were so attractive and what I consider my weakness is actually cute and other embarrassing truth. These fantasies keeps me afloat, keeps my morale at level if not really high and also it passes the time really well.

But in the time like these when someone I had a huge crush on and to whom I never made a move because let's say I was too coward is silently going out of my life. Those fantasies are proven shallow, not a great feeling. Anyway there was nothing and there was nothing going to erupt, then why the hell I feel sad and why only me and why not those crushes? Those beautiful face which you can't ignore, you can't dislike I mean how can you, who hates a smiling baby? Similarly this girl was/is adorable, graceful, down to earth and married. A look at her relieves a lot of worldly worries. And I won't be able to see that again is really saddening.

In the counter argument one can say that I would find another girl to have a crush on. I don't think I will considering the circumstances around but let's say maybe I will but even though it doesn't lessens anything because the attachment I had on this girl will not be carried over to the new girl. This attachment will remain their unfulfilled and then a new attachment will start with the new person and then whole thing altogether again.

with this good girl I fantasized that I will tell her a beautiful story which I read in childhood and which I am sure she didn't ever hear and I felt we will have a bond and understanding and henceforth. Which story? I can't declare it's reserved for her or maybe someone like her.

Why are we cursed in this strange way, Why we have such a world where neither being a woman is easy nor being a man. It's not that we are incomplete without each other It's more of that we are not meant to be complete.

Anyway I feel she would always be there in my heart just like my parents and my friends are though none of them are destined to be with me always.

Do I regret that she will never come to know as how I felt about her? I am sure that I do. I feel like if message of my feeling would have been traversed to her even without any of her reciprocation I feel my feelings for her would have got more meaningfulness. But when I get above personal gratification and start looking into bigger picture maybe it's good that these feelings stayed with me than getting out in blue water and creating nuisances.

I am thinking if by chance she reads it , will she by some mystical intuition come to know that it's written about her? practically thinking she can't because I haven't left any hint. I think I am a dreamer and gets disturbed every time when my dream is broken. But It feels great in living in dream because we create a better world than the world we live in. We love better in dreams.

Don't know how to ends this, writing it down certainly helped though it didn't get rid of my frustrations, I guess it just synchronized them.

Let's hope that there comes an end to these cycles but that's almost like hoping for world peace.            

Current Affairs

I don't know why I chose the heading as current affairs maybe because people seems to be most concerned about current affairs. Current Affairs I think helps us getting all the emotions out of us on a very regular basis.

If we take some example, the killing of children by a US gunman without a solid motive brought the shock and grief reaction out of people, when Delhi chief minister told that Rs. 600 is enough for a family of five for a month it brought some surprise mixed with ridicule sort of emotions out of people. When gangnam style made the news people reacted with unusually refreshing sort of feelings.When Digivijay Singh or Rakhi Savant make any news people get what an asshole sort of feelings. Current affairs keep us occupied from our otherwise monotonous life.

Similarly this Delhi Rape case which happened quite recently it brought the feeling of disgust and anger in the people. In this era of facebook and twitter every emotions is shared in fact shout aloud by everyone. well everyone has the right to it and they are using it, it's a great thing to know. What is hurtful to me is volatility of these feelings. It's sad to know that all of these feelings are only till a new current affairs comes into picture. The old ones become 'old' and persisting it misses the enthusiasm of newness. This meaninglessness somehow makes me less reactive to any of these news.

These angers reflect in their facebook status and tea/coffee talk. and it's supported by likes and share. In fact I really get baffled that had it not been facebook I never could have known that some of my friends are so sensitive and sensible and had high values and for some I could have never known that they really are aware of what's going on in world. But thanks to Mark (Zuckerberg), other than making billions of money he sort of made us more aware about each other.

Some of the people's intensity of anger can be calculated by their idea of executing the criminals (read rapists) to name a few are cutting off their male organs, skin them out and beat to death, cut them into pieces and let the dogs eat the pieces, impaling them etc. (I didn't make any of them). I don't know. I won't shed tears if the culprits meet any of those fate, I mean they deserved it, Heinous is a subdued adjective of the crime they committed. But I have always believed that life is way harsher a punishment than death. no matter how gory the death is it will never meet the trauma a person can get when he is alive. slowly after slowly in loneliness you start regretting what you did because you have nothing else to do, no one else to talk, you only think of what you did, what you could have done and after some time you get at a point you break-up and you regret but you can't do anything about it. that helplessness is way more painful than any possible torture. Or maybe their exists some torture I am unaware of.

But as I said that's my view....maybe killing them in a barbaric way be an example for other (potential) rapists. Again I feel fear might be a deterrent but it's not a solution.

Also like many I don't buy the rubbishes that 'she was inviting for rape' through her dress or through the time she was out. These can't and would never qualifies even anything close to an excuse. How a person dresses is none of anyone's business well until and unless it's offending to some other caste, creed, religion etc. But funny thing is the logic. you can talk logic to people, but you can't talk logic to criminals, they are not logical. If someone is robbing you in the midnight you can't tell them that look no matter how much money I am carrying it's none of your business. And people who are logical enough would never rob you.

As for why rape happens, their is not one reason to pin-point. How I see is it could be a plain and simple remorseless crime which depicts the way society sees a woman, as a prize....I said society because male sees women as a prize and does women helps in getting rid of that prize mentality? Open question. A rape could be a revenge, some guy could be humiliated by some girl who doesn't give a shit about him. It also could be mindless power rampage....I think this is what happens in Delhi or elsewhere mostly young, arrogant brats getting together and trying to prove to each other how badass they are (initial half an hour of 'A Clockwork Orange') and taking pride in it.

Rape happens in all the societies, each societies try to fight it in different ways, some society try to get rid of this by their efficient law and order (mostly European and modern society), some have barbaric law (beheading and stoning to death). With India it isn't either.

Few years back someone asked then President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan as why rape is happening in Pakistan at such a large scale, he replied that 'rape happens, it happens in India and France also'. I guess by bringing India in the example he sort of subdued the allegation because it would have been a real issue and humiliation had it not been happening in India, now they feel a little content. It's like feeling good that not only you are in deep shit, your rivals also are.

but that happened few years ago so it doesn't qualifies as current affairs, which actually is the topic. Once upon a time Anna Hazare was the current affair. I myself participated in the candle march, now people are bit bored of the agitation which Anna Hazare still time and again threatens the government with.

Few months back Aamir Khan's TV venture Satyameva Jayate was the current affair, the first episode about dowry was so scintillating that I had to feel some people's emotional or otherwise outburst when I told that people have got the mentality to see and feel the issue through a celebrity's spectacles so much of so that I sometime get confused is it the celebrity being addressed or the issue is being.

I learnt that when people are emotionally involved I should keep my views to myself. No one in particular like to know that he is following a known pattern and what he is excited about is momentary.

few days back I asked one of those guy so what was the topic addressed in the last episode of Satyameva Jayate? He replied he couldn't watch last few episodes. I don't think he got my point in asking the question.

Excuse me, I guess I am not that good person from heart, I am little stone heart-ed  one can say. But I believe in sincerity, I believe in patience, I don't believe in changing the world overnight. I believe in being an example than an allegation.

see you on next current affair.

29-12-2012 03:30 AM IST update -

And the concerned rape victim died. her death is tragic and shameful. Words fails you on these occasion.