Flashback Of a Fool

I don’t know what my age was. But it was long long ago. I used to stay in hostel as my father thought it was best for me. It was vacation time for the festival Holi. Holi is a festival of colour. I didn’t like Holi but it was holiday nonetheless. And every holiday was special as it gave me time to spend with my mother who like all mothers is very charming and loving.
My father accompanied me from hostel to home. On the corner of very street in which my home was, there was the house of my friend. And as I approached closer I found him playing cricket in his courtyard. He saw me and asked about me. There were two other boys very similar to each-other. Anybody could guess they were brothers.
After the usual stop the play resumed. My friend was a dynamic player hence he had many friends. But somehow he used to place me above all probably because my family was economically very stable as compared to others and the quality of my education was higher than him or anybody of them. I didn’t had any specialities to notice. I was more of a dumb kind of boy. But I used to notice and observe and think even more.
As play resumed I noticed there was one more being. And that was the first time I saw her. She was in a white frock. She wasn’t playing but she was there enjoying the game I suppose. Very soon I realised that she was the sister of two boys playing with my friend.
My father went to home assuming that I would stay with my friend. After the denial to play I too was there watching them play. In a way I was feeling closer to her watching them. Slowly the two mutual brother became friends of mine and in a way she too. Though we didn’t talk
Her appearance was quite charming and catchy. She was very thin and even thinner were her legs which I could see from knee to toe.
Next day I met with my friend and he told me that the two boys and their sister were his neighbour and he likes the girl. I too liked her but I didn’t tell him.
That day again we met. This time in her house vicinity. She was wearing the same dress she wore the day before. Everyone was calling her “Mili” so it was useless to ask her name. I and Mili again chose to watch the game rather than play. It gave me opportunity to hear her smallest comment and comment on her comments. I came to know that she and her brothers were actually cousin.
I started talking as I felt comfortable. The brothers told me that one of their teacher’s name is “Maharana pratap”. I started making fun of their teacher’s name. after few comments I realised that she was taking keen interest in my comments. She was laughing on “Maharana pratap” jokes of mine more than others did.
It somehow excited me for making further fun of him. Her beautiful laugh was enough to encourage me and buoyed me. Now when I see the whole episode as an outsider, I find myself stupid enough so much of so that it embarrasses me.
At that time making her laugh was an achievement for me. And in some ways it still is an achievement.
I and her brothers were friend enough for now. Even their mother liked me due to my calm attitude and good behavior. I was somehow an example for them.
One day it was mid-noon and I couldn’t find my friend. I thought he must be in her house playing with her brothers. I went to her home but he wasn’t there. Both the brothers were there. They proposed me to play with them. I agreed as my eyes searched for Mili all over. I couldn’t find her but I could sense she was somewhere there. I knew that there are two elders, one was the brother’s mother and other Mili’s mother. Brother’s mother was sleeping in the front room and I guess Mili’s mother too would have been sleeping somewhere inside.
We planned to play cricket in home as we had nothing else to do. Let us say a dummy cricket with no big shots. Sort of net practice stuff. We started. All was going well until one of the brother couldn’t hold the temptation of playing a booming straight drive past me on my bowling. I saw the ball running deep inside the house. The part of the house which belonged to Mili’s family.
Out of fear of getting scolded they told me to fetch the ball. It was unlikely that I would be scolded but still there was a risk. Had not there been the desire to look out for her, I wouldn’t have agreed.
So I went inside guessing the path of the ball. It took me to the end of the house. There was a door opened. I was flummoxed standing. It was mid-noon silence adding to my confusion.
I peeked inside the room. What I saw is still very fresh infront of my eyes. There was a big bed in one side of the room. And at the head end there was a big window. I saw her sitting on her knees at the floor. She was studying with her books and copies on the bed. I can’t remember if she was holding a pencil or a pen. She had a homely frock on and was leaning on the bed.
My friend had told me she wasn’t good at studies. The sunrays were steeply coming in straight line through the windows on her back. It made her sheer frock glow. Then I can’t understand how but she looked at me. Our eyes met. Everytime our eyes used to meet, I guess I got over-nervous. Before I could speak anything she pointed me out where the ball was.
At that time I was too awe-struck to think anything. But now when I look back at the situation, I assume why she wasn’t as nervous as I was. How she remained so calm? She seemed to have a magical authority on the situation.
As I moved inside the room she herself got beneath the bed to get the ball for me. The upper-half of her body was below the bed and was invisible to me. And the rest visible part of the body made a strange, mirrored-Z shape with upper line going downward. Looking at that make me feel awkward so I looked otherwise. I looked at the air cooler which drew my attention with its strange unpleasant noise.
In no time she came out with the ball. She gave it in my hand, no part of her touched me. I guess the ball was big enough to let our hands meet.
There she smiled. I couldn’t smile back as my mind was pre-occupied.
I came out and play resumed. I secretly wished they play another shot there but I guess they were afraid. Luck too didn’t help.
Then there came Holi. I didn’t like to play but I had friends so I had to play.
While I was reaching to my friend’s home there came a balloon filled with colours fall infront of me. As I looked for its orientation I saw one more on its way. I dodge that successfully. There she was accompanied by her brothers. Her face had a mixed reaction of smile and disappointment of not hitting me with balloon.
It made me smile. She threw another. I didn’t know what to do because dodging that means that she could lose her interest as it would add further in her disappointments. In the confusion I couldn’t move but being a statue too was more of a stupid stuff. In the meantime I could reach out my hands to save myself. And the balloon burst on my hands. It sprayed little splash on me partially.
She got ecstatic. Sometime getting hit too give pleasure. I with my friend come out in street. I really didn’t like playing but nonetheless I was there.
As it got late toward noon, there were few people around, we had this concept to tae late bath so that noone could spray colour on you. Suddenly I realised she was looking at me from her window. Looking became watching. Watching turned out to be staring. And I believe her staring at me made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t behave natural as I was on continuous watch.
Meantime whenever I looked at window. I found her staring at me. I realised she was trying to hold my eyes. She was perhaps trying too much to tell me a lot of things through her gaze.
Yes , I was a kid and even then I realised that. It wasn’t that I couldn’t understand her gaze , it was just that I didn’t have the courage to reply back. I was too nervous and bit fearful. I ignored her as a coward.
I don’t regret as such. Given another chance I would do exactly the same thing because that is ‘me’.
That very evening I went to her house. Her mother feed me delicacies. But I couldn’t find her.
In few days I returned to hostel.
The next time and only time I saw her again was after few years at the wedding party of my friend’s uncle. In the evening as I reached there I was secretly searching for her all over. I even met with the brothers of her. My friend had informed me that she was there. I was as excited as he was. Perhaps more.
My friend told me she was with bride. I peeked into the bride’s room. I was searching for only one face and found that the very face was looking at me. Perhaps she too was expecting me, searching me. Maybe not, just a co-incidence.
She grew fairer, her hair seemed longer and darker. Without doubt she was as beautiful if not more. The only thing missing was her boldness, I guess female attributes was taking over.
The room was filled with women and girls. There was no point in entering that though as a kid I was allowed to.
I peeked in many times and found her looking at me. She still was saying something through her looks.
I could see the very frustration on her face. But I guess I didn’t improved as much as I should have.
I never saw her again. About a month ago I saw the same old friend. We talked about the usual old times. Actually I was creating the atmosphere to ask him about Mili. I asked about her brother and he told me they have grown nuts. And I asked about neighbour’s love.
He told me she is getting married in few days. He even told me she has grown fat and doesn’t look as beautiful. I guess it was truth mixed with ‘sour grapes’ stuff.
He said to me that I should look her now. Honestly I don’t want to.
I guess I don’t want to tamper with her ‘angel-like’ image which I have in my memory. It is too dear to me to lose that.
I still want to remember her as a beautiful girl in white frock with thin legs leaning on bed studying. Having a magical effect around her.
I don’t know how she remembers me. In some ways I feel sorry for her.
Now when I try to concentrate on her face it turns out to be hazy. The more I try to remember her the more I forget her. In a way I lose her everytime I think about her. Even now I couldn’t imagine her in anything else than her trademark frocks.
Now, when sex overpowers a major part of my brain and I have developed a sexual angle of looking, I still can’t remember or imagine her having any imprints of boobies.
All which comes to my mind is a very fair girl standing on the window gazing continuously at me. Her face is partitioned with the iron-bars of window.
As this image comes to my mind I try to answer her but it seems she can’t get it and she still is telling over a thousand things through her lovely tiny eyes.


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