One inspirational instance

It was a normal day, long ago. It was usual summer with unusual heat and restlessness.
Now when I think it so seems arid yet beautiful at that time it seemed so hectic and confusing.

Life is like that only. maybe. maybe not. How does it matters afterall. Throughout my little life I have faced this question most, so much of so that I got the answer as 'nothing matters' absolutely nothings. There is no purpose, It's all illusionary plank. Finding the purpose maybe the only purpose of life and when you find it you realize there was no purpose afterall still you lived on the life in pursue of it.

Anyway coming back to matter. it was a thin and long bench I was sitting on. And against me was the road and chaos which prevail there, 5 minutes before of which I was a part too. Infact the chaos was realized when I detached myself from it.

This boy put the plate infront of me, plate was filled with mashed up 'samosa' and with an aptly diluted chutney with it. A spoon was filled there inbetween the mashed samosa and perhaps that spoon was most lifeless thing in the whole plate.

I put one spoonful in my mouth and i guess i sucked the life out of those ingredient through the tongue to the nerves. It brought me back, from where I don't know but to myself. I started noticing again and I realized that the shop name was denoting some late person.

I looked all around and realized they were all kids with mother not around. I guessed maybe it's their father name on the board of the shop. Why I can't see the mother?? maybe she works somewhere else as a maid or something.

But certainly the shop was being run by kids only now I see the order. One girl of 14 sitting at the corner and washing the plates, spoon and glasses. One other girl of 12 maybe is sitting at the counter and she is being guided by the elder sister as to how much to cut and how much to return for each customer.

Then the boy who served me with the plate. They all seemed so busy doing their work rather professionally. Not expecting any emotional sympathies or attachment.

for them it's simple work. Ideally they should have been in school. Ideally. Life ridicules idle ideas. And again I think it doesn't matters.

While I was thinking that I subconsciously heard someone shouting but was too busy in my plate and things on that. Suddenly i realized a small girl, real small bringing a glass of water for me, she was so small that she had to use both of her hands and still can't cover the full diameter of the glass.

taking so very careful steps so that she dont spill the water out of glass. It just hit me. and she looked at me with those big eyes. I don't know what she was looking for. maybe she was just looking and not looking for.

or perhaps there is a difference, She was the youngest in the brood. While for others it was plain work, straight business. they were not expecting anything. This small girl had this difference, her eyes deserved something.

i took the glass from her hand and she as a child was reading me, all my behavior and actions would be in someway give her some experience about people, Ofcourse she notices everyone like that.

That's how children grows by noticing and trying to understand the elders and their action.

I realized that there was some sense in all this, The eldest girl was taking the biggest responsibility and toughest job of cleansing the plates and utensils, Also she was guiding everyone of them. She was virtually the backbone.

Then the other girl at the counter perhaps had the mathematical knowledge and she was helped by elder sister also.

The boy had to serve the customers and it was only suitable coz he was the only boy among all of them.

Then that little girl had the supposed easiest job of providing glass of water. I don't know if it occurred them naturally or was it well thought but one thing for sure that this order was not incidental.

As i paid and moved from there I have realized I have seen something beautiful. I didn't feel sorry for them. Life is not equal to any of us, we have different degree of struggle to face, it's just how do we face it.

They together were facing it beautifully and bravely.

Restroom

Bathrooms and toilets are the best places. They are basically confession rooms in disguise. there is something about them that make you feel different.

I love to spend time in there, doing nothing. or doing something which i dont do coz its supposed insane. well i guess people do more insane things than what I do. i don't claim i am the only insane.

Actually it's important for being sane if you are supposed to be and your inside is frustrated by it. Human are like water or i have come to conclusion that water are like humans, just as mysterious and they claim to be transparent more often, They think that others make them impure, on their themselves they are purest. most of the times they have undercurrent which is opposite to what we see on the surface. they try to level themselves. they try to change themselves according to the shape of jar(environment) they are in.

When in large mass they become force and are too dangerous. water are very much like us humans. they have copied all our traits and when someone says nature is cruel i think nature is telling us how cruel we are.

I think i deviated from topic. So why is bathroom and toilets like a confession room?? Coz anywhere else we are aware of our activity. we are looking at ourselves with other's eyes. We are adjusting ourselves. we are manipulating in our own capabilities. Now for people all these are necessities, well i have to agree it is. but like water we need to balance the thing.

Where do we balance?? In temple/mosque/church ?? Very unlikely. We are adjusting ourselves there also. We are careful there, we are not free.

Hence it's the Restrooms. Call it my another illogical theory but people who are not clean and sure and pure would spend lesser time in restrooms, coz they hate to all alone looking themselves through their own (not other's) eyes.

Well that doesn't mean that people who spends hell lot of time in restrooms are of purest of hearts. Well they might be suffering (wow! I just killed three mosquitoes in one shot thats bettering my previous personal best record) from constipation or diabetes. It's sure is no litmus test.

Everyone prefers clean toilet and there is no psychology involved there. People spends millions on their bathroom and toilet to make it the absolute marvellous.

what for??

So that they hope in such a great environment maybe they wont be able to face their grayish self. Well it's not a conscious effort I suppose but it's an effort nevertheless.

We are basically running away from ourselves coz ourselves is ugly by our own projected standards. Facing yourselves without a mirror is hell lot of different. It's not a necessity to being a good person but what is necessity is to project yourself being a good(not in literal sense something like polished and clean) person. this projection and its deviation from original compels us to make superb restrooms and washrooms.

In the shine of it we want to get so amused that we accepts the allusions that we are shining from insides also.

Do i sound like i am telling that we all are bad persons?? that's I never meant. We are just person good and bad are too strong a word to describe our delicately complex nature.

But one thing I would like to say that it's not you and your loneliness any more (As famously and romantically Amitabh Bachchan put it). It's you and your image.

you laughs at your image in confession room. your image avoids you as much as possible.

you know your image is necessary, your inner self taunts you. But who cares??

Observation > perception > Stereotyping

People with bad hand-writing are usually good in studies, people who are thin usually like spicy foods, beautiful girls are usually dumb and vacant/hollow.

These are/were some of mine, everyone has got it. no matter arguing over it if it's right or wrong. It's just how we study. Life is a process of studying, It's mind purpose and these concepts are building blocks which even can be mindless and without any foundation still become the foundation of your becoming.

Also on a negative side it's the start of xenophobic as well as jingoistic idea. Everyone is a racist in a way, just at the point we try to judge a person by his/her looks, color, behavior, language we becomes a racist and we can't help it. Well maybe racist is not a good word it's rather offending.

Observation it is in it's purest stage, a good observant is usually thoughtful person that too is an observation but we can easily find a logic in it. But logic always follows observations. We observes and then we 'find' the logic and then we apply that logic on few more observations and accepts or rejects the logic.

I have met people who are brilliant in studies and have really good handwriting, There must be beautiful girls who are very brainy indeed afterall one works in my office. But still we cant help and keep making such concepts and we dont mind making it until its confined upto us.

You see a person of different originality than yours and you start observing him/her straightforward with or without confronting him/her. If you look closely it's rather natural we can't help it, it's our nature, human nature. we fail but failing don't stops you from trying.

Something like loving, you love and you get hurt but you cant stop loving and thats the reason of your frustrations. Actually you detest yourself for being so weak against human nature.

What one should be careful is that our nature shoudnt affects our behavior in negative manner.

Loneliness

 I was lazy enough to mention that. What I should mention? why I should mention?? What's the purpose? Meaningless seems ultimate eventuality.

I slept for whole day, I woke up when most people go to sleep. This strange feel of waking at wrong time is so unique. I never could decipher it. It seems like the dynamism has lessened a lot than it was before sleeping. Maybe we de-celebrate (don't know the correct word) returning back to this real world.

I am awake now with nothing to do, noone to talk, I am habitual of these scenarios but it still feels like a new experience. I get amused as for how long one can feel lonely? If you are frustrated all the tym, you wont feel frustrated. we get accustomed to the situation. Mostly it's the transition from one feeling to another pleases or hurt as the matter may be.

But loneliness seems an exception, you would keep feeling lonely throughout. I think maybe bcoz we are lonely among the crowd. Thirst increases by seeing the water.

I have this habit of overdoing things. To get rid of something I overdo that and this overdoing kills any underlying anxiety or pleasure and sumtym pain. After sumtym we fail to feel the pleasure or pain if we overdo things.

it doesn't works for loneliness, But Still I remain content since I don't have any valid options which can be done without the adulteration to my concepts.

Thinking is a boon as well as bane, There are many who too bear loneliness but they don't feel it coz they don't/can't think about it much. Thinking about problem many times help us solve the problem but many times it makes the problems more problematic.

There are few mosquitoes around me so maybe I am not as lonely as I think. But then loneliness is really not just about being alone. If you are in a group even then you can be lonely. It's the feeling of 'isolation' that's loneliness

Talk Talk talk

Yesterday was too tired to write anything and anyway had nothing substantial to write, Even Today have nothing so important to post, Yet to continue....

Today I had work to complete and I completed. perhaps thats the difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday I couldn't complete even when I tried hard and hence felt very tired. Today It was completed though it was toiling yet I am not feeling tired today.

Maybe it's the end result which upto some extent have a say in a person being tired or not.

Other than that I was thinking only sexual things I guess which doesn't deserve mention here.

In the evening just before leaving the office I thought to have a tea, I went up. There was a person whom I find very cool in his approach, sort of crowd puller. I am just reverse to him. I don't talk to anyone until and unless some ask something or it's professionally necessary.

He asked me 'Why don't you talk?'. And my natural reply was 'What to talk?'.

'Why what so..' He couldn't find an appropriate word. 'traumatic' I helped him with that word.

'Yes, Why What so traumatic happened to you that you have nothing to talk, If not anything else teach us some PHP.' He completed his sentence.

'Let me learn first' I replied, a typically full stop type answer.

But it made me think of two things, first why don't I talk? and second why it matter for people If I don't talk.

So for the first part, I guess it didn't take me much time to find an answer, it mostly have three reasons.

1> I am fed up of the type of talk people do.

2> I don't see any point in talking or speaking. Many times it seems meaningless.

3> I am too busy listening to you.(or noticing you)

It was the second part which took me little time to get to the answer, Why does it irks or uncomfortable if I don't talk.

I think I have got an answer but I would post it tomorrow coz in this single post not enough characters are left.

So why do people get conscious when some non-talkative person is around, In what way it irks them??

The root I think is in instinct, Every thing you say make it possible for the people around you to understand you, judge you or assess you. Most of the people try to suit themselves according to different people.

Suppose If you come to know everything about someone but have never talked to him, you wont be able to truly ascertain that you know that person, However even if you don't know any details about someone and still talks to him or her regularly, you would feel that you know much about him.

Add all these factors, If someone don't talk then you don't feel that you know him well, you find it difficult to guess about what he thinks and more importantly 'How' he thinks. Hence you don't know in what way he takes your statement and comments which in turns make you conscious about your own talking. Also some people have habit to suit themselves according to the person they think that since he don't talk, he possibly don't like talking people. Those people confusingly try to curb their natural instinct creating a paradox.

Further to fathom I use to think why do I talk much with some people though I dont talk with many in general. Mostly because they accepted me as I was neither they tried to modify themselves according to me, They didn't searched or calculated or guessed my reactions. They were just themselves and it gave me the surety that no matter what I can say anything and they would say anything, There was no compulsion or effort to talk. And that's why there was no unease.

If you are giving too much attention for what I say, Then it gives me an added responsibility to check as what i am going to say and most of the time I would feel that It's better to be quiet coz people would try to interpret and decode the statement.

Thinking

Today (or better say yesterday) was again an easy yet boring sunday, with nothing to do and weather too was hot. I felt like sleeping in the daytime but then didnt sleep coz its not good if I dont get the sleep in the night later.

But anyway I am not getting sleep now. Looking back to the day, Apart from the things I did if I think what I thought then I wud start thinking new things now, Thinking is like multi-threading you start with one thread and then it keep changing threads depending upon the scope your minds can wander on.

If we don't take it as good or bad , beneficial or harmful and take it as a process then it seems a rather natural functioning of brain. Brain produces thoughts in heaps depending on the person's ability to observe/notice/fathom. Sometime its real troublesome to synchronize those thoughts as they really seems awry and many times have missing links.

Once my ex-gf(don't yawn) told me that I should not think so much, But I don't do it on wish, It just comes to me that way. Also thinking so much things which has no 'usefulness' is frustrating. Important word is 'usefulness'. That's a practical approach. Much thinking is never useful. You should have minimum required thinking prowess to excel on usefulness.

Usefulness demands balance not excess of anything.

Beside that I listened to some real old songs mostly of devanand and kishore kumar combination like from the film 'nau do gyarah', 'solvah saal' etc.

And I was amused that how such songs says the feelings of many many people by same sentences again and again. It feels like the words are coming out right from our heart.

Now the time has come to sleep, atleast to try, I hope my mind stops thinking when I am asleep. I sometime fears it keeps thinking it is just that i don't remember and hence dont realize.

I am looking forward for today's work, that also made me think but then I get paid for that, I wish i get paid for otherwise thinking also.

Buttons

Today I felt like a bonus day, the reason for this is that I was supposed to work today though my weekends are off.
Thing was like this that we were waiting for a mail from the client and according to that I had to work, The mail didn't come yesterday so that means my today was still free.

When I enquired , I realized that the client was a joint venture from Japan and Thailand and since there was vicious earthquake and tsunami in japan so the mail didn't come. We were joking like we first need to ascertain that if the client is alive or not. However I felt that it's not good to cherish on something so unfortunate.

Hence I got this day. And that's why I spent this day for being myself, doing nothing and some sort of meditation with tea.

While having tea i realized that I find girls in shirt very attractive, That prompted em to think deeper as for why and then the only sensible answer I could find was that it's in button. Maybe the desire to unbutton one after another. No other dress provide that facility somehow. I realized that I like unbuttoning as a process in itself, even of my own shirt. But with girls it has got some extra flavor.

Buttons i guess is a great discovery(or invention) by humans. It make me remember the movie 'The curious case of benjamin button'. We don't pay much attention to it but some of the buttons are really crafty. Hook too is similar but I guess button is much more classy than hooks.

Then I watched the match, India lost so nothing there. I bought a new cell today since the earlier was stolen, a real cheap one and in my subconscious I am willing that this too get stolen so that my idea of buying a cheap mobile comes fruitful.

Strange are the dynamics of human's desire. Sometime It exist in a real paradox. You want something but not the thing which comes naturally with that something.

Yours

Today day passed really fast, I woke up half n hour late today, so reached at office half an hour late of my usual time.

In the beginning of the day there was no work, but by the evening I got so much work that I fear this saturday-sunday i would need to go to office to complete it as on monday is the deadline.

I am not worried though. As far as I have seen some work is always better than no work, When there is no work I really feel sleepy and time passes slow, When there is work it passes like 4 hour in one hour. Also since my work needs application of logic so most of work is nothing but heaps of puzzle. Frustration starts when you are stuck somewhere.

However on today's account, I found my lead following cricket, It prompted me to do the same. In last 1 hour I started working and when I got stuck I left for home.

In the midway I was thinking to write a 'love-letter' which ends like 'mercilessly yours'. Then I thought what does that ending signifies, Maybe the person is desperate or psychotic.

What if it ends with 'carelessly yours', maybe the person is 'lazy and careless'.

'Mostly yours' - confused or treacherous

'Masterly yours' - dominating.

'Gracefully yours' - submissive.

'Practically yours' - unsure but practical

'pathetically yours' - pathetic.

'mindlessly yours' - mindless.

'foolishly yours' - foolish

'smartly yours' - more foolish

As for now one can understand the absurdity, Hence it was. Thinking all this I came to home and then fulfilled few of my online liabilities.

And when I was feeling sleepy I thought to write the day's count.

Not a Great day but good thing is that it was not a bad day.

Tomorrow it would be all working and that sense is making me lazy like stone as for now. It's like drinking before moving into desert.

Hence I will listen to the fan's noise and would stop writing this post now.

Proudly yours

Rahul

Unguessed

It was a simple day, have some work but I thought not to start today, was not feeling like starting.
Since I have first to do some research and then have to develop hence I can kill time in the name of research, can't get out of limit but certainly a bit.

Today I tried to find out that why do I get nervous when some beautiful girl is against me?? Didn't find much of the answer but I realized that It happens with only those girls whom I find beautiful, If someone is very beautiful then I don't get nervous.

In my office there is 4 girls who can be considered beautiful, One of them is very beautiful and she could never make me feel nervous, I m okey infront of her, Other two are also beautiful but doesn't matter to me, But unfortunately there is one girl who is making me nervous, she is making me too conscious.

I have made myself believe that i can control such dynamism, I am no more a boy who one way or other can't control the excitement. I have to and can kill such potentially harmful attractions. Now I can see all this from a dimension different.

I can enjoy her beauty without the desire to touch her. I am assured.

Since beautiful girls know that they are beautiful they expects some exceptional to get attracted to, I think that will work for me too. With my passive behavior she wont be able to know anything, at best she may make a wild guess and that too is over estimating.

Since I lost my mobile, I havn't called my home, Today evening suddenly I got very bad vibes about my home and family as something real bad has happened and they are trying to contact me but hav no means.

It somehow compelled me to call to my mother, Nothing of that sort had happened, I was only sort of assuring that.

And as i am writing this I m feeling real sleepy, it's sure that as soon as I end this, I will shut down the system and would sleep.

Let's see what tomorrow have in store.

Pain but not Trauma

Today was one of those days which is easy enough, you don't count such days for any reason, but still you know the significance coz on these days you can truly be urself in sort of spiritual way.
I didn't think about anything today much so not even feeling tired, But yesterday's hard work in water park sort of awakened my muscles which were in comma since long, Yesterday they were awakened today they were crying I guess.

Any movement and I felt it, Mind was giving full value to those muscles too. It also was feeling good. Pain is good if it's not mental(and also if in limits).

I think pain make us feel valued and alive. Today had a nice nap in the noon which i think was the demand of the body.

Worse part is I will not get the sleep now, since hav slept in day time. Maybe will do something coz mood seems fresh for now, It's those stage where you feel levitated, totally weightless, nothing on your mind.

Ofcourse there are worries and tensions but for now they hav been frozen, for now they have been in cold storage, Mind is not feeling their effect.

It's a beautiful stage when mind denies the dynamism of worldly things and worries, No desires, no greed, not to worry about gains and worrying about results.

It's very much like submerging yourself into something totally. I feel this effect is achieved chemically by Alcohol or maybe few drugs too.

I feel I m fortunate enough for not to rely on such things. It feels like I am lying on a glass which feels like grass and sun is shining behind my back, making everything lightened, so much of so that I can't realize appearance of anything though I am seeing it.

It's beautiful but for a change I am not willing to touch or grab this beauty which is a natural desire in case of beauties of world.

While I was writing it and feeling all that suddenly something broke the dream and now I am listening the sound of fan moving at a speed, imagining it's mechanical part making sound.