Talk Talk talk

Yesterday was too tired to write anything and anyway had nothing substantial to write, Even Today have nothing so important to post, Yet to continue....

Today I had work to complete and I completed. perhaps thats the difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday I couldn't complete even when I tried hard and hence felt very tired. Today It was completed though it was toiling yet I am not feeling tired today.

Maybe it's the end result which upto some extent have a say in a person being tired or not.

Other than that I was thinking only sexual things I guess which doesn't deserve mention here.

In the evening just before leaving the office I thought to have a tea, I went up. There was a person whom I find very cool in his approach, sort of crowd puller. I am just reverse to him. I don't talk to anyone until and unless some ask something or it's professionally necessary.

He asked me 'Why don't you talk?'. And my natural reply was 'What to talk?'.

'Why what so..' He couldn't find an appropriate word. 'traumatic' I helped him with that word.

'Yes, Why What so traumatic happened to you that you have nothing to talk, If not anything else teach us some PHP.' He completed his sentence.

'Let me learn first' I replied, a typically full stop type answer.

But it made me think of two things, first why don't I talk? and second why it matter for people If I don't talk.

So for the first part, I guess it didn't take me much time to find an answer, it mostly have three reasons.

1> I am fed up of the type of talk people do.

2> I don't see any point in talking or speaking. Many times it seems meaningless.

3> I am too busy listening to you.(or noticing you)

It was the second part which took me little time to get to the answer, Why does it irks or uncomfortable if I don't talk.

I think I have got an answer but I would post it tomorrow coz in this single post not enough characters are left.

So why do people get conscious when some non-talkative person is around, In what way it irks them??

The root I think is in instinct, Every thing you say make it possible for the people around you to understand you, judge you or assess you. Most of the people try to suit themselves according to different people.

Suppose If you come to know everything about someone but have never talked to him, you wont be able to truly ascertain that you know that person, However even if you don't know any details about someone and still talks to him or her regularly, you would feel that you know much about him.

Add all these factors, If someone don't talk then you don't feel that you know him well, you find it difficult to guess about what he thinks and more importantly 'How' he thinks. Hence you don't know in what way he takes your statement and comments which in turns make you conscious about your own talking. Also some people have habit to suit themselves according to the person they think that since he don't talk, he possibly don't like talking people. Those people confusingly try to curb their natural instinct creating a paradox.

Further to fathom I use to think why do I talk much with some people though I dont talk with many in general. Mostly because they accepted me as I was neither they tried to modify themselves according to me, They didn't searched or calculated or guessed my reactions. They were just themselves and it gave me the surety that no matter what I can say anything and they would say anything, There was no compulsion or effort to talk. And that's why there was no unease.

If you are giving too much attention for what I say, Then it gives me an added responsibility to check as what i am going to say and most of the time I would feel that It's better to be quiet coz people would try to interpret and decode the statement.

Thinking

Today (or better say yesterday) was again an easy yet boring sunday, with nothing to do and weather too was hot. I felt like sleeping in the daytime but then didnt sleep coz its not good if I dont get the sleep in the night later.

But anyway I am not getting sleep now. Looking back to the day, Apart from the things I did if I think what I thought then I wud start thinking new things now, Thinking is like multi-threading you start with one thread and then it keep changing threads depending upon the scope your minds can wander on.

If we don't take it as good or bad , beneficial or harmful and take it as a process then it seems a rather natural functioning of brain. Brain produces thoughts in heaps depending on the person's ability to observe/notice/fathom. Sometime its real troublesome to synchronize those thoughts as they really seems awry and many times have missing links.

Once my ex-gf(don't yawn) told me that I should not think so much, But I don't do it on wish, It just comes to me that way. Also thinking so much things which has no 'usefulness' is frustrating. Important word is 'usefulness'. That's a practical approach. Much thinking is never useful. You should have minimum required thinking prowess to excel on usefulness.

Usefulness demands balance not excess of anything.

Beside that I listened to some real old songs mostly of devanand and kishore kumar combination like from the film 'nau do gyarah', 'solvah saal' etc.

And I was amused that how such songs says the feelings of many many people by same sentences again and again. It feels like the words are coming out right from our heart.

Now the time has come to sleep, atleast to try, I hope my mind stops thinking when I am asleep. I sometime fears it keeps thinking it is just that i don't remember and hence dont realize.

I am looking forward for today's work, that also made me think but then I get paid for that, I wish i get paid for otherwise thinking also.

Buttons

Today I felt like a bonus day, the reason for this is that I was supposed to work today though my weekends are off.
Thing was like this that we were waiting for a mail from the client and according to that I had to work, The mail didn't come yesterday so that means my today was still free.

When I enquired , I realized that the client was a joint venture from Japan and Thailand and since there was vicious earthquake and tsunami in japan so the mail didn't come. We were joking like we first need to ascertain that if the client is alive or not. However I felt that it's not good to cherish on something so unfortunate.

Hence I got this day. And that's why I spent this day for being myself, doing nothing and some sort of meditation with tea.

While having tea i realized that I find girls in shirt very attractive, That prompted em to think deeper as for why and then the only sensible answer I could find was that it's in button. Maybe the desire to unbutton one after another. No other dress provide that facility somehow. I realized that I like unbuttoning as a process in itself, even of my own shirt. But with girls it has got some extra flavor.

Buttons i guess is a great discovery(or invention) by humans. It make me remember the movie 'The curious case of benjamin button'. We don't pay much attention to it but some of the buttons are really crafty. Hook too is similar but I guess button is much more classy than hooks.

Then I watched the match, India lost so nothing there. I bought a new cell today since the earlier was stolen, a real cheap one and in my subconscious I am willing that this too get stolen so that my idea of buying a cheap mobile comes fruitful.

Strange are the dynamics of human's desire. Sometime It exist in a real paradox. You want something but not the thing which comes naturally with that something.

Yours

Today day passed really fast, I woke up half n hour late today, so reached at office half an hour late of my usual time.

In the beginning of the day there was no work, but by the evening I got so much work that I fear this saturday-sunday i would need to go to office to complete it as on monday is the deadline.

I am not worried though. As far as I have seen some work is always better than no work, When there is no work I really feel sleepy and time passes slow, When there is work it passes like 4 hour in one hour. Also since my work needs application of logic so most of work is nothing but heaps of puzzle. Frustration starts when you are stuck somewhere.

However on today's account, I found my lead following cricket, It prompted me to do the same. In last 1 hour I started working and when I got stuck I left for home.

In the midway I was thinking to write a 'love-letter' which ends like 'mercilessly yours'. Then I thought what does that ending signifies, Maybe the person is desperate or psychotic.

What if it ends with 'carelessly yours', maybe the person is 'lazy and careless'.

'Mostly yours' - confused or treacherous

'Masterly yours' - dominating.

'Gracefully yours' - submissive.

'Practically yours' - unsure but practical

'pathetically yours' - pathetic.

'mindlessly yours' - mindless.

'foolishly yours' - foolish

'smartly yours' - more foolish

As for now one can understand the absurdity, Hence it was. Thinking all this I came to home and then fulfilled few of my online liabilities.

And when I was feeling sleepy I thought to write the day's count.

Not a Great day but good thing is that it was not a bad day.

Tomorrow it would be all working and that sense is making me lazy like stone as for now. It's like drinking before moving into desert.

Hence I will listen to the fan's noise and would stop writing this post now.

Proudly yours

Rahul

Unguessed

It was a simple day, have some work but I thought not to start today, was not feeling like starting.
Since I have first to do some research and then have to develop hence I can kill time in the name of research, can't get out of limit but certainly a bit.

Today I tried to find out that why do I get nervous when some beautiful girl is against me?? Didn't find much of the answer but I realized that It happens with only those girls whom I find beautiful, If someone is very beautiful then I don't get nervous.

In my office there is 4 girls who can be considered beautiful, One of them is very beautiful and she could never make me feel nervous, I m okey infront of her, Other two are also beautiful but doesn't matter to me, But unfortunately there is one girl who is making me nervous, she is making me too conscious.

I have made myself believe that i can control such dynamism, I am no more a boy who one way or other can't control the excitement. I have to and can kill such potentially harmful attractions. Now I can see all this from a dimension different.

I can enjoy her beauty without the desire to touch her. I am assured.

Since beautiful girls know that they are beautiful they expects some exceptional to get attracted to, I think that will work for me too. With my passive behavior she wont be able to know anything, at best she may make a wild guess and that too is over estimating.

Since I lost my mobile, I havn't called my home, Today evening suddenly I got very bad vibes about my home and family as something real bad has happened and they are trying to contact me but hav no means.

It somehow compelled me to call to my mother, Nothing of that sort had happened, I was only sort of assuring that.

And as i am writing this I m feeling real sleepy, it's sure that as soon as I end this, I will shut down the system and would sleep.

Let's see what tomorrow have in store.

Pain but not Trauma

Today was one of those days which is easy enough, you don't count such days for any reason, but still you know the significance coz on these days you can truly be urself in sort of spiritual way.
I didn't think about anything today much so not even feeling tired, But yesterday's hard work in water park sort of awakened my muscles which were in comma since long, Yesterday they were awakened today they were crying I guess.

Any movement and I felt it, Mind was giving full value to those muscles too. It also was feeling good. Pain is good if it's not mental(and also if in limits).

I think pain make us feel valued and alive. Today had a nice nap in the noon which i think was the demand of the body.

Worse part is I will not get the sleep now, since hav slept in day time. Maybe will do something coz mood seems fresh for now, It's those stage where you feel levitated, totally weightless, nothing on your mind.

Ofcourse there are worries and tensions but for now they hav been frozen, for now they have been in cold storage, Mind is not feeling their effect.

It's a beautiful stage when mind denies the dynamism of worldly things and worries, No desires, no greed, not to worry about gains and worrying about results.

It's very much like submerging yourself into something totally. I feel this effect is achieved chemically by Alcohol or maybe few drugs too.

I feel I m fortunate enough for not to rely on such things. It feels like I am lying on a glass which feels like grass and sun is shining behind my back, making everything lightened, so much of so that I can't realize appearance of anything though I am seeing it.

It's beautiful but for a change I am not willing to touch or grab this beauty which is a natural desire in case of beauties of world.

While I was writing it and feeling all that suddenly something broke the dream and now I am listening the sound of fan moving at a speed, imagining it's mechanical part making sound.

Water

Today from our office we had to go some amusement park and for lots of rides. It was good, the atmosphere was vibrant and lots of irresistible girls all around that too in water sports.
Most of the rides were based on fear-factor. It's amazing that we need fear and shock to thrill us.
Three time I felt how does a drowning person feels and once I feared for my life in real sense.
Most of the rides and sports were based to derive your fearfulness as a fun thing. Now when I look back as if anything was there which wasn't on fear factor.

I guess one thing I could name, It was a musical colorful fountain and laser play. There were many fountain of every type and have different combination of colors and laser beam. It was superbly synchronized with the music giving a great artistic effect. So there was no fear there.

However I liked few of water sports not coz they were scary but because all in all they were superb exercises. people don't realize it, They remember getting feared only coz that affects the mind.

Mind is selfish, It tells you the thing it noticed with such an emphasis that you don't realize what your body have to say.

A person behavior on land and on water should have different dynamics. On land whenever we feel feared we start breathing heavily, In water no matter how feared you are you don't have to inhale, coz water wud easily get into your lungs and you wud b prone to drowning.

Long ago some astrologer after watching my hand said that I will die due to drowning. Ofcorse I didn't take it seriously coz I want to face it than being superstitiously coward about it.

But whenever i see oceans and even rivers I find it strangely mysterious. water is the perfect balance between solid and gas hence its bit hard to understand.

When there was tsunami in south asia, I remember some one saying that if you keep standing on the edge you wont get the courage to get in. I think he was true in many ways

Balancing

The Day was okey, We gave a demo to the client of whatever work we have done and got their feedback, Some of the improvement they want is virtually impossible, Still I guess I would have to try.

Day was more or less relaxed, I did most of the work assigned to me and that too in a very relaxed manner.

In the evening When I got out, I was waiting for my number of Bus, Suddenly I noticed that two people were talking about something. I gave an ear to that.

First Person: I too said buy single door, what's the need of double door, we dont have to get ice. But no, It is not something we buy everyday,So have to buy it.

Second Person: But One thing is My wife is of very understanding nature.

First Person: (nodded then paused) No (My wife) too is understanding, If she comes on saving money, She wont spend herself and wont even lat me spend anything.

I smiled at that point, I guess they noticed it, By that tym my bus arrived and I got into that.

Then I thought about that, They were discussing about their wife the first person incidentally told about his wife in a complaining tone (That she made him buy an expensive refrigerator though it wasn't much needed).

Then when the second person made this as a preface to praise his wife.

The first person felt bit left out, He subconsciously tried to balance that with an exaggerated example of his wife.

it happens very normally, If someone praises his/her wife/husband/son/daughter/mother/father we instantaneously make a comparison with ours and feel bit left out and hence try to balance that, We start searching for the good thing in ours relative.

It does not usually happen the other way, Like if someone complain about his or her relative, we somehow feel content that ours is not that bad a situation.

An example of that was it when the first person complained abt his wife, second person felt content and as an effect praised his wife.

Complexes

Today I was thinking about inferiority complex and Superiority complex.

I think both are nothing but way of comparison, In one you feel bad about yourself while you compare with others, In other you feel good about yourself while comparing yourself with others.

However some people no matter how inferior they are don't get inferiority complex. But the reverse example is rare Superior person are more prone to getting a superiority complex than an inferior person getting inferiority complex.

We have habit of noticing people, We judge them due to our instincts and whatever result we get when we compare with ourselves bit too seriously then we are supposed to get complexes. Inferior or superior.

I for one have had both. For many years I carried an inferiority complex, But then When I tried people I got a superiority complex. And truly speaking superiority complex has done me more harm than any inferiority complex can do.

When superiority complex breaks it's like falling, Whereas when inferiority complex breaks it's like awakening. And we can well assume that awakening afterall enlightens you, falling breaks your morale(or bones).

There was a friend of mine....a big irritant....He had both simultaneously. He had inferiority complex and superiority complex both. He had inferiority complex when he considered things he has faced or facing in his life and he had superiority complex for things he have not seen or not faced.

Also sometime superiority complex is a result of elongated inferiority complex inside out. For example if you have an inferiority complex regarding your studies and you are bit better in games then there is a very good chance of yourself getting a superiority complex regarding your gaming potentials.

It's like balancing ourselves. We try to balance our supposed weaknesses by exaggerating their supposed strength.

I don't know why I got such thought today....But I think I still carry some sort of complex.

Wholesome.

Well today I took a bath...after many days.....

Was postponing it since many days. When used to be home I took bath everyday coz otherwise I will be scolded by my Dad.

Mom too use to scold but I never took that seriously, I think that's the charm of the mother. She gives you the liberty to ignore her, She don't take it as a matter of pride.

I usually get angry over my mother, which is strange coz I rarely get angry over anyone, then why my mother who loves me most. I think people get angry to the person with whom he or she has some expectations, they feel they have right on them and getting angry is a negative effect of it.

Why does my mother bear my anger, I sumtym try to keep myself in place of my mother and understandably I cudnt. I just feel that she is the one who give me real value and importance even if I don't return the favor.

In a way getting angry on her is my way of misusing or say celebrating her love or importance for me. It's a selfish kind of celebration but it is.

To the outer world she is a strong lady and for few she is a crooked lady, for me she is most vulnerable, starts weeping like a girl sometime and best part is when I console her, She get consoled so easily.

If I think from my mother's point of view. God is really cruel to make us love someone so deeply that we don't care for our own existence in front of that one.

We all are weak to the person whom we love. And we love, mostly we think that we love but that is also contagious.

Her loving me makes me scared about myself, When I look inside myself there is hardly anything to love about, there is nothing much to hate about either but that's another thing. For her it doesn't matter.

I once remembered One of my addict friend's mother thought that I use to encourage his son towards drug and stuff, Actually his son use to take more drugs with me coz we both were failures in our life though we were supposed to be having too much potential.

Actually it hurt me, I started hating his mother due to her having such an idea. In fact I even depicted my dislikening her to my friend too. her mother was once my teacher for 7th standard.

She was an educated lady and she became the principle of a small school. My mother is comparatively very less educated and she rue the lost opportunity.

Still my mother would always blame me for everything. So it make me think that motherhood is more about personality than education and exposure. Education only give you a chance to improve it doesn't improve you for sure.

Once my mother bought me a new wallet when i pestered her for it, When I opened the wallet there were two pics of semi-nude girls, bit provocative. I hid it beneath my bed and used to watch it sometime as trying to find something or better solving some riddles. Once my mother found it, At first I denied, then my mother asked my sister and her denial nullified my denial, So had to tell the truth. But I didnt tell that I used to watch, just the fact that it came with the wallet.

I found my mother smiling but it still was embarrassing for me.

Now I think more about my mom coz I feel she would not be there to love me so wholesomely for too long. I start feeling her absence and it disturbs me.

I feel I am a handicapped person when I think about my personality, too much loopholes in it, am sure i will get better with time but thing is even now in front of my mother I can play the perfect person and she wont deny me, she wont counter me intentionally.

I know this thread is about telling the day specific things, but today i felt telling this only though it's not day specific.

Today I took bath and missed my mom scolding that's the day specific things.