A Day Vs The Day

First few seconds, after I wake up are usually taken for understanding simple and basic things as where I am, what date it is, what time it is etc. I hate that little procedure but it happens more often than not. It was the same that day. I was having little problem in my personal life. So ironically after waking up I used to conceive that I have to be sad. And I got sad.

That was around 11 a.m. usual time of my awakening. I live in a hostel and people who live in a hostel understand that. I have a roommate and best thing about him is that he doesn’t disturb me. I have a common friend who happens to be my virtual roommate and worst thing is that he never leaves me alone. So I just woke up and my friend was holding the PC.

My roommate entered after taking the bath and said that one boy of our hostel has tried to commit suicide. I have this habit of not trusting people and it works for me. And these rumours are common at a place where so many people live. So I joked ‘oh really? How the hell he didn’t die?’. And we all laughed.

After half an hour my roommate again came from downstairs and told me that the person hasn’t tried actually he has already committed suicide. I disbelieved but remained silent. After sometime I readied myself to go to downstairs. As I descended I could sniff the very lull. I couldn’t find anyone downstairs. All rooms were empty if not locked. As I came out of hostel I saw a few people flocked there. One of them waved at me. Till that time I was conceived that something has happened but still couldn’t digest the suicide story.

I went to him straight up and asked ‘what happened?’ He told me that the guy has committed suicide by throwing himself against a running train.

‘god. What the fuck?’ my reaction was. I am not telling his name as it is completely irrelevant.

He said the body is recognised and many people have already gone there. I too decided to visit the place of incident more of due to curiosity than of confirmation.

Sometime you don’t want to believe the truth even it is inevitable. You can’t take it at once and need time to accept that.

On the way I found many friends. The question in everyone’s mind was that why he did so? Actually I myself feel embarrass to confess that I too wanted to know the reason more that I felt sad and sorry for him.

Some had the answer. ‘for the girl, he had heated argument with her all night’ one person told me.

‘For the girl?’ I asked myself. I didn’t talk to him much. As a matter of fact we never really talked as such. We just knew each other. Still whatever image in my mind was of him would deny the concept of him killing himself that too for the girl.

He was actually very dynamic and charismatic. Always at the centerstage, gathering everyone’s attention. Exceedingly energetic and aggressive. A performer kind of boy. He was liked by most and envied by rest. I don’t know in what category I fall. But nevertheless I don’t feel sorry that I knew him.

While on the way I found boys talking about how close they were connected to the deceased or how recently they saw him or what kind of guy he was. The pros and cons stuff.

Everyone was recollecting and analysing in their own manner. By the time I reached there the place was already crowded by the locals, hostel boys and college authority representatives.

Many of us didn’t know what to say. But there were people who just couldn’t able to stop themselves from giving expertise on the matter. I sometime think that these people actually utilises such occasion and situation to impress others.

The body was already covered and thank god it was covered. Because those terrifying images gives an imprint on your memory. Even then there were some who were taking credit of seeing it afresh and raw, describing in details. I myself heard someone telling that he saw the lungs. I am sure that his words have made someone felt sorry that he missed.

Then there came another train and they took the body with them for legal and authority purpose.

And we moved back, on the way someone told me that he actually sat on the railway track and SMSed some of his friend. He reportedly wrote that he liked them and the time they spent were special. That girl wouldn’t let him live so he has decided to end his life. They shouldn’t try to search or stop him.

Ofcourse that was short and emotional message. I never tried to know further that what actually was the reason between him and her which ignited such a big decision. Neither I had the mean to know and moreover it was irrelevant to me.

He wasn’t even a friend of mine. I guess we had a missing compatibility for being friend. My calmness was no match to his aggression.

Like many I too believed that he could have been saved by better counselling and better understanding. I thought what prompted him to make such a strong decision. In between his friends he must have been feeling lonely. Among friends we often feel alone but extreme sadness doesn’t go unnoticed. Then there was other means of committing suicide, why getting in way of a running train?

Must have been irrepressible anger. I guess it was actually the act of hurting the girl. By that he wanted to deliver a message to her.

By the time I reached back, everyone was talking about him. Everyone with their own concept and view on the incident. My roommate blamed the whole female breed for that. There were more ridiculous concepts that doesn’t deserve mentioning.

I still can’t understand who is to blame for this? Perhaps no one . These things just happens unfortunately. Just ignore it and move on, which we usually does.

Or perhaps each one of us so busy in ourselves.

I believe everyone in his or her life feels the need to end his life for atleast once. In that phase we find the answer of everything in ending the question itself or better say the subject of the question. Insult, humiliation and sin are this world’s entity. They are there only till the life is there. No life, no problem. It feels ending the life is the salvation from the problems.

Some says it needs courage to end one’s own life. My mother says only the cowards can commit suicide. I find both of them true though they contradict each other.

Once, when I was facing failures after failure, insult and humiliation from the close ones. I found myself absolute lonely. Then the idea of ending my life crept in my mind with an incident which I don’t want to recollect.

But I guess I hold on. I kept postponing the idea and time of execution. Slowly the phase passed and the idea evaporated. When u passes it, it passes u. sometime I think maybe I was too coward or maybe too patient.

I don’t cherish my life, I never did. But now I don’t consider ending it for some worldly reasons. When I wasn’t born with my consent why should I die purposefully?

…………………..THE END…………………………….