Current Affairs

I don't know why I chose the heading as current affairs maybe because people seems to be most concerned about current affairs. Current Affairs I think helps us getting all the emotions out of us on a very regular basis.

If we take some example, the killing of children by a US gunman without a solid motive brought the shock and grief reaction out of people, when Delhi chief minister told that Rs. 600 is enough for a family of five for a month it brought some surprise mixed with ridicule sort of emotions out of people. When gangnam style made the news people reacted with unusually refreshing sort of feelings.When Digivijay Singh or Rakhi Savant make any news people get what an asshole sort of feelings. Current affairs keep us occupied from our otherwise monotonous life.

Similarly this Delhi Rape case which happened quite recently it brought the feeling of disgust and anger in the people. In this era of facebook and twitter every emotions is shared in fact shout aloud by everyone. well everyone has the right to it and they are using it, it's a great thing to know. What is hurtful to me is volatility of these feelings. It's sad to know that all of these feelings are only till a new current affairs comes into picture. The old ones become 'old' and persisting it misses the enthusiasm of newness. This meaninglessness somehow makes me less reactive to any of these news.

These angers reflect in their facebook status and tea/coffee talk. and it's supported by likes and share. In fact I really get baffled that had it not been facebook I never could have known that some of my friends are so sensitive and sensible and had high values and for some I could have never known that they really are aware of what's going on in world. But thanks to Mark (Zuckerberg), other than making billions of money he sort of made us more aware about each other.

Some of the people's intensity of anger can be calculated by their idea of executing the criminals (read rapists) to name a few are cutting off their male organs, skin them out and beat to death, cut them into pieces and let the dogs eat the pieces, impaling them etc. (I didn't make any of them). I don't know. I won't shed tears if the culprits meet any of those fate, I mean they deserved it, Heinous is a subdued adjective of the crime they committed. But I have always believed that life is way harsher a punishment than death. no matter how gory the death is it will never meet the trauma a person can get when he is alive. slowly after slowly in loneliness you start regretting what you did because you have nothing else to do, no one else to talk, you only think of what you did, what you could have done and after some time you get at a point you break-up and you regret but you can't do anything about it. that helplessness is way more painful than any possible torture. Or maybe their exists some torture I am unaware of.

But as I said that's my view....maybe killing them in a barbaric way be an example for other (potential) rapists. Again I feel fear might be a deterrent but it's not a solution.

Also like many I don't buy the rubbishes that 'she was inviting for rape' through her dress or through the time she was out. These can't and would never qualifies even anything close to an excuse. How a person dresses is none of anyone's business well until and unless it's offending to some other caste, creed, religion etc. But funny thing is the logic. you can talk logic to people, but you can't talk logic to criminals, they are not logical. If someone is robbing you in the midnight you can't tell them that look no matter how much money I am carrying it's none of your business. And people who are logical enough would never rob you.

As for why rape happens, their is not one reason to pin-point. How I see is it could be a plain and simple remorseless crime which depicts the way society sees a woman, as a prize....I said society because male sees women as a prize and does women helps in getting rid of that prize mentality? Open question. A rape could be a revenge, some guy could be humiliated by some girl who doesn't give a shit about him. It also could be mindless power rampage....I think this is what happens in Delhi or elsewhere mostly young, arrogant brats getting together and trying to prove to each other how badass they are (initial half an hour of 'A Clockwork Orange') and taking pride in it.

Rape happens in all the societies, each societies try to fight it in different ways, some society try to get rid of this by their efficient law and order (mostly European and modern society), some have barbaric law (beheading and stoning to death). With India it isn't either.

Few years back someone asked then President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan as why rape is happening in Pakistan at such a large scale, he replied that 'rape happens, it happens in India and France also'. I guess by bringing India in the example he sort of subdued the allegation because it would have been a real issue and humiliation had it not been happening in India, now they feel a little content. It's like feeling good that not only you are in deep shit, your rivals also are.

but that happened few years ago so it doesn't qualifies as current affairs, which actually is the topic. Once upon a time Anna Hazare was the current affair. I myself participated in the candle march, now people are bit bored of the agitation which Anna Hazare still time and again threatens the government with.

Few months back Aamir Khan's TV venture Satyameva Jayate was the current affair, the first episode about dowry was so scintillating that I had to feel some people's emotional or otherwise outburst when I told that people have got the mentality to see and feel the issue through a celebrity's spectacles so much of so that I sometime get confused is it the celebrity being addressed or the issue is being.

I learnt that when people are emotionally involved I should keep my views to myself. No one in particular like to know that he is following a known pattern and what he is excited about is momentary.

few days back I asked one of those guy so what was the topic addressed in the last episode of Satyameva Jayate? He replied he couldn't watch last few episodes. I don't think he got my point in asking the question.

Excuse me, I guess I am not that good person from heart, I am little stone heart-ed  one can say. But I believe in sincerity, I believe in patience, I don't believe in changing the world overnight. I believe in being an example than an allegation.

see you on next current affair.

29-12-2012 03:30 AM IST update -

And the concerned rape victim died. her death is tragic and shameful. Words fails you on these occasion. 

Comparisons..

A. Ever got that feelings (I'm sure you did) when you feel bad if something good is happening to someone you know or better you like just because it gives you a sense of "left out" and very quickly you hold yourself and gets a guilt feeling for thinking in that lane on the ethical ground. You make yourself understand that you should be happy that this good is happening to that person beyond yourself.

B. The corollary to above feeling is a more common feeling in which you feel good if something negative and bad happens to someone because it makes you feel that you are not the worst and hence not alone. It makes you feel good about yourself.

If you were not a brilliant student in school and just average and below average then try to remember the guy whom you were sure would get lesser marks than you. you didn't had ridicule or hate feeling toward him you just were content that he would be worse than you. In fact there is an unrealized likeliness for that very person.

I have come to ascertain that these feelings though considered menial and negative but is also a very natural feeling. We just try to evade/ignore/avoid/suppress this very feeling but in my opinion it's better to accept this feeling and understand our own insecurities behind this.

If you take A into consideration it's simply a residue of "left-out" feeling. As a natural tendency all we do is to compare our own life with that person's in a split of second and find a lull and void in our life whereas in that person's life it's a progress and something welcoming good happening. So we feel sad about ourselves which when not tackled grows to feeling bad in general and sometime a silent and dark wish that this good must not happen to that person.

Whereas B for me is little easy and in some way funny feeling when we feel good if something bad happens to someone we know and we like because in the very depth all we do is feel close to that person as he is down and simply like in the above paragraph we compare our life with that person's and find ourselves lucky/better/happening than the other person's that makes us feel better about ourselves which again is when not handled is feeling good at others' misery.

At home suppose you are writhing in pain or illness and asking to god as "Why me?" feeling that you have been eternally punished and feeling so low about your own being that you feel not much interest in your life as such. Slowly you get into depression and from window you see people laughing, talking, playing carelessly and you feel that you are cursed as such as you are not blessed for what others are blessed.

After someday you visit to a doctor and while waiting on for your number you start to have a look at other patients bit closely and you see some people in really such a pathetic condition that it sends a chill in your spine and you totally sort of forget yourself and even your pain. You subconsciously realize if your life is curse what are theirs'? You thank god that you are not punished like them, you feel your problem to be puny and nothing compared to some of them. Sometime you just wonder how they are even living their life? All in all while sitting their you tends to slowly feel good about yourself, you feel more positive.

This is not about you and me, I guess it is just about all of us, it's the tendency to comparing ourselves to others. Is there a solution to that? For me there is no solution as such if we don't take it as a problem anyhow. We should understand that our life is our own it could be dull from someone else as well as it will be brighter from some. If we can't help but compare we should be smart enough to not to value those comparisons.  We must understand that the inferiority and superiority is only relative(thanks to Einstein). The fact is our life our life and it is actually as dull as our view of it and as bright as our assumption of it.

I won't tell that when you feel low look for the good and blessings in your life because in that frame of mind it would be really hard. I believe how a thing looks is very much the way we look it. the world is beautiful or ugly believe it or not both are true. It's how we perceive things.

I won't preach to change your way of looking life all I can say that don't take it too seriously no matter how it looks that way it would help you being hopeful yet humble and not arrogant or depressed.
     

Our brains out of our hand.

I am inspired and charged. why?  read a few of my old post and suddenly it stuck me I have got to write, though i have lots of work today(it's Monday 2AM).

the question against me is always what to write...i am putting conscious effort not to write about politics, religion etc. But I will someday.

I want to write about something which I myself haven't noticed till now. I am not joking and it's too much evident for me that I write best when I am hurt, sad, angry or disappointed. Yes those are negative traits but they brings the best out of me without fail when it comes to writing. Now how can I say I write good in those scenario? How can I judge my own scripture? But if I can that's my judgement. It's more of an observation than judgement.

One thing I can write anytime is about girls, there is much to write, when I start thinking how or why I get attracted to me...i can go on writing. But I don't want to be a typecasted writer. :)

So moving on (wished I didn't have to move on from aforementioned topic).

Okay I got it....what to write about.

The source is some small videos i saw today. It was about logic and pattern. Nopes it's not as boring or maybe it is.

So here I start, Do you know our mind search for patterns amongst almost everything and i feel now that this somehow is the foundation of our being keen, enthusiast, sharp on the positive side and finicky, superstitious and racist on the negative side. Racist is a very strong word let's say racist without prejudice.

I feel it's beautiful how our brain is programmed to match things, synchronize things, look for meaning from anything and everything. Whenever we see a thing our brain first and foremost action is to search for if we have seen the same or similar things earlier not, this is a process well known recognizing. Oh that's my bag/shoes/towel/father feeling is the effect of that process.

I think when our brain in the process of finding that if we have already seen or felt the same or similar things and even after looking deeper in memory it is not sure then that's the stage of something similar to 'deja vu'. I have always believed that if you would try very hard to remember something which you have not seen then many a time your brain will subterfuge an image of what you want to see to soothe your desire to see. Try to force yourself to remember something which you have never seen before and soon you will start seeing false images in your brain.

It's scary to know that our brain cheats us many a times. We control our brain or our brain controls us? I am not sure but  much of ourselves is controlled by our brain. Yes what we call (desire of) heart is actually a part of brain itself we refer it our heart because heart movement varies much according to our desires for example if a very beautiful girl comes too near then our heart start beating faster and mind wants her so we conclude that "my heart wants her".

Not straying from the topic therefore (my heart want to talk about her). Our mind takes all possible evidence and tries to make sense out of that. Think of a suspense thriller and watched the suspense was the part your brain couldn't guess and that's why it was thrilled when the suspense uncovered and if you guessed the suspense agree with me that it wasn't really a thriller since you knew things beforehand.

We all know that magic is nothing but trickery, presentation and science synchronized together to amuse us. I remember one magician interview in which he said that whenever viewer watches magic shows their brains are programmed in such a way that they start having endless guessing in their mind as how the magic was possible it somehow gives the magician to pull off his trick because viewers minds are already in the process of searching and deciphering the trick. In that deep process obvious reasons are ignored and that's what magician encash upon.

How you felt when you got to know the trick behind some magic, you feels something in between "how cheap" and disappointed. you feel cheap because your brain was applying some strong logic and assumption but reality was much more simpler and same is the reason for being disappointed.

Cons are similar to magician only with evil intentions, it's not the cons that con us but it's our brain that fails you and perhaps that's why being conned is much more annoying and frustrating than being robbed.

Should I write more?

have you ever seen in clouds and searched for known figures and shapes? I bet you even found a few. Yes brain at work.

On the hindsight it looks a very beneficial and positive trait that our brain search for patterns and logic and reason in everything but it can and have mostly bad impact also. Here is how? (It's very important)

Since our brain always makes logic with available data we comes with our own theories. Have you ever heard people talking how their race/religion/clan/caste/language/literature is getting diminished/attacked/insulted ? their brain has come up with this theories based on a few incident. those few incidents had the same pattern and that's how brain comes out with those notion so much of so that it ignores the counter incidents. Now these people with such tendencies and notions becomes sort of separatist, hardliners, fundamentalist, haters etc. It gives rise to racist and hatred tendencies.

Think over it.(and don't try to find patterns in it, most likely your brain will come out with a pseudo-theory)

We as humans are better than our brains. Control it, force it for positive development. Never fall pray to your own brain. It would alienate you.

Next, let me think some better way to control our mind.

  

Pets

Alright! pets.

Do you like or own pets?? Why?

Does your pets make you feel like a better person? It makes you feel needed or wanted?

Today I am going to look into the psychology of having pets but foremost a disclaimer of sort.

I am against cruelty, animal or human doesn't matter and no matter what my view is people will continue what they are doing, good or bad. Hence at the end of the day and the beginning of the night it hardly matters fellas. so don't get charged up if anything goes against your ideology.

All sort of pets do we have, I think hardly any animals are there which some people don't have pets. Why only animals many people have humans as pet well in many sense literally.

Dogs, cats and horses are the commonest of all. No doubt they look good and it feels real good in touching them. People who don't like to be touched by or to touch fellow human beings love to sleep with their pets. I wonder why?

Are animals harmless compared to humans? Well up to some extent it's very much true. But that's because humans are intelligent in comparison to Animals. There shouldn't be any doubt because had it been the other way, the vice-versa we would have been some animal's pet, that too if we would have survived their hunting us.

So in a way they cherish the lack of intelligence in their pets, however they always boasts about how intelligent their pets are since it brings the newspaper from front door to breakfast table every morning. It gives us great pleasure to find out that our pets are smarter than what is supposed to be the normal standard of intelligence of that in particular species.

One more reason people go for pets because in the relationship with their pets they don't have to face demands. What an animal would ask from you? Damn! it doesn't have a language to convey. All you see in their eyes are love and respect mostly because they have little or no idea about they are being slaved.

We so very much cry for freedom everyday, children want more freedom from parents, Youngster wants more freedom from system. We all wants more freedom for being self-reliant. If someone takes us as a pet, no matter how good he/she behaves or treats we still want to get free.

Then why not animals? because we provide them food and they are too lazy to fight and compete for food in outside world. They sleep whole day and waits for you because you provide them food and you provide them care. Not because you care for them but because you have time you don't know what to do, you are
somewhat lonely and perhaps you have extra money than what you really needs.

Somewhere read that for a dog his or her master is God. But according to me it's an insult to be considered God by animals. They consider you god because you provide them with food and you shower your otherwise useless love on that animal. What if you continue showering the love as you do but stop providing the food, the daily meal? I wonder if the relation between you and your pet would be as cordial. According to me rather unlikely. So what's it? a give and take relationship between you and your pets?

Sometime I feel that a pet and his master subconsciously yet continuously and mutually fool each other. Try to give it a thought.  

Cards

This has been long.......yet.

Alright today somehow I know what I am going to talk about....so here it is.....I was just watching a movie and suddenly got this idea.

We have cards, greeting cards.......fashion of exchanging cards I feel is diminishing slowly. The reason might be multiple. keep thinking and new will be coming.

But what I think just like there are greeting cards, there should be something like ungreeting cards.......cards which convey the feelings which are genuine and not pleasant. Love, Compassion, Praise etc. are superb feelings and there are cards for them but I guess similarly hate, disgust, disappointment and apathy too are feelings which we can't evade and feels some reason to be conveyed to other beings, specially those who are related to that.

Putting(Read Starting) mildly there should be a card like "Leave me alone" card. I so very much feel the need of this card..... Suppose someone is playing adhesive to you, someone is too impressed with you, someone bugs you every now and then for whatever fucking reason, Someone keep referring you to others, someone keep planning events where he/she falls in the same group/way. You understand all that and genuinely want to convey to that person or group of person that.....just Leave me alone.

Yes, you can say it. but then you have to bear the sudden feedback and reactions which you have no reason to bear. you can text him, mail him or other means......but then cards are more classy and in these scenarios presumably effective too.

Dear whoever,

I really am flattered with your addiction with myself, but you must understand that its annoying sometimes when someone takes you as their pet or private property or want to own you or want to get owned by you, Of course it's not the case with you and to make sure that it does not become so............Leave me alone.

Distantly yours,
me

I think this would do. It would convey the message with the least amount of offense. Also it would make them more aware about how people are taking their behavior.

Let's talk about some other types

Get a life card -  This card should be provided to the people who suggests some perverse or disgusting actions habitually or intentionally. It would also suit on people who try to demean others and feels the essence of superiority however from others' point of view they are total jackass while doing so.

I don't like you card - This card I guess should be used very carefully and only when apt. There are people whom we genuinely don't like. They don't mean any harm to us. They are just normal people but say you don't like them. Their way of talking/laughing/working/dressing/eating etc. This card must be used with least malafide intentions.

Fuck yourself card - This would be close second in term of potency and feelings to the "I Love You" card I suppose. As we all gets this feeling more often to various person but we digest it and hence puts a burden on our subconscious. This card if exchanged between couples can be called "Break-up card" because that would be evident. However it would save you a little drama if its in the form of card and isn't said directly. Caution : This card should be avoided as much as possible in professional and business world because when the scene changes which does changes in professional world quite often, someone might return the card to you and that won't be pleasant.

Eden's Apple

In addition to the earlier post Intellectual this is one more short story from Harishankar Parsai.......this is bit shorter and much lighter.......only a pint of sarcasm in it, still witty and thoughtful. The context also is known to most.

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Millions of year ago God, who is also known by many different names, started a garden of Apples. This garden was called 'Eden Garden'. There used to be good apple crop, selling of which produced good money for God. About Eden garden God has fueled strange rumors which made the garden mysterious. He spread the rumor that in garden at apple trees there lives a poisonous and large snake. Due to this very rumor the children from the secondary school nearby didn't use to get inside the garden neither their teacher used to tell them to bring apples.

One year due to some unknown reason there was a bad apple crop. Though the quantity of apples were much but all of them were tasteless and rotten from inside. God tried a lot but no one really got ready to buy them. A few customer who took it returned in an hour or so with complains. God was really worried. All the crops were useless and he didn't has the hope of selling them.

One day 'Eve' came to God. Eve was a supremely beautiful lady. She was intelligent too. This rarely happens. It was the same Eve who started the 'Eve's weekly' magazine which is still circulating. In east so old magazine is only the one started by Lord Shiva 'Shankar weekly'.

The whole locality was attracted to Eve. Just to watch her there used to be a crowd. Eve asked God the reason of his worry. God replied "Whole crop of apple has gone bad. No one is ready to take them even for free".

Eve said "I can make all of your apple sell". God smiled and said "You shouldn't be so proud of your beauty. It stays for few days only. Its momentary".

Eve said "Your philosophy won't work, the problem is to how to sell these useless apples which would be rotten in a week. I can do this miracle".

God said "Alright, If you can do then try".

Eve plucked an apple and took that to a photographer. She smilingly kept the apple in her mouth and got photo shot. God made the block of that picture. Eve went to a newspaper agency and published an advertisement in which Eve is smilingly eating the apple and beneath that it's written - "beautiful Eve says - I always eat apples from Eden garden. They are tasty and effective. My skin has become soft and shiny by eating this"

From the next day the advertisement started coming in the newspaper. The bill of the same advertisement were stick on walls everywhere.

The first victim of the advertisement was 'Adam'. Adam was the hero of the locality. He was crazy for Eve. he came close to Eve and asked "These apples are really so good? You like them?"

Eve sarcastically replied "Yes, am I lying?"

Adam said "then I too would eat, Let's buy an apple and we eat that together".

Adam bought an apple; half he gave to Eve, half he ate himself. This incident was known to everyone.

The effect of advertisement started. men anyway were ready to accept Eve's request. When women looked at the advertisement initially due to jealousy they said "Okay, the bitch got her picture in newspaper too!" then looked at the last sentence - "My skin has become soft and shiny by eating this" so called their husbands "Listen!! I am telling that while returning from office bring one kilo of Eden apple".

After a month Eve returned to God and said "Tell me, God".

God said "All sold out!".


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Do let me know your feedback. Thanks and peace.

Sophistication.

The world is getting sophisticated. Sophistication it seems is the new fashion..many years earlier it used to be simplicity.

People earlier used to prove(read project) themselves simple. They took the pride in being simple. Simplicity is somehow in many sense is connected to natural......well it seems so. On that line Sophistication seems to be linked with artificial.

I mean look around yourself......Nature always represents its process as simple......but the artificial definition we try to bring out is sophisticated. The simpler the process the more sophisticated is the reason behind it. Example would be like it's very simple and rather natural that a guy falls in love with a girl or vice-versa. Now why?? and the reasons could be mindlessly sophisticated....it would travel and include all the fields. The answer to it will take you into deep biology, strange chemistry, little philosophy, somewhat history, without doubt sociology and much much more and when you try to synchronize all that its shitty business.

A rather simple thing became complex for no good reason. Human have tendencies to search for answer and this in many ways and without doubt is the core reason for our progress. It has been a boon to humanity in terms of science, discovery and thousand more fields.

But do we really need to make it a habit to sophisticate things? Can't we just make things simple just as it is? I mean do we really need to find the reason behind every mundane things? Let's even not mundane things then harmless things. Does analyzing, scrutinizing and hence judging has gone deep into our bones? So much of so that we started applying it on humans.

Every lowly asshole starts analyzing some great personality with whatever bits and pieces of knowledge he/she has got. Every other day I heard someone demeaning Gandhi or other Greats, questioning his tactics, way of working. People who don't have the courage to stand against some visible malfunctioning of Government system. People who would silently pass with the none-of-my-business capsules if there is some wrong-doing is happening right in front of himself, they judge historical greats on moral and ethical ground. they question the character of people who with their strength did what others found impossible. Somehow I feel a critics thrives on the hard work of others....Alright the previous line is taken from the animation movie "Ratatouille"........Still it makes much sense to me.

People are so quick to blame and demands the sacking of cricketer, footballer or players. Whereas it's quite obvious that those people wont be able to execute what he expects the players to execute. He is relieved subconsciously that no one is going to ask or question about his/her personal life. He has the blessing that no one is interested in him. Hence he feels quite free to use his index and sometime middle finger on someone who don't have the luxury of not being famous.

Actually we strayed.....the topic was about sophistication as the new "in" things. Everyone seems to be toiling hard enough to prove his character and/or thinking sophisticates. People follow a sophisticated lifestyle. They behave complex on purpose it seems because it purports him/her as a unique mystery. It makes him/her interesting. Deep down he/she is barren and vacant and too ordinary. The outside effort is more to balance this inner void. Does he succeed? yes he does. Now how he succeed? that's an interesting question, answer I have already provided. Can you guess??

(Take your time here with slow deep breathes)

because people are there to analyze and scrutinize him. We have made a habit of analyzing other person. those analysis are based on mostly external behavior which the person has already transformed into sophistication and the analyzer since is analyzing things which is on purpose sophisticized, is most likely to short on logic to define the person's personality and that is how he finds him interesting, because he wasn't able to simplify the behavior. If his behavior would have been rather simple, the analyzer would have well categorized him in his pre-defined and self-defined categories and have not worried much about him.

So is it good or bad? When someone asks me if it is good or bad my obvious question is - if it's bad, can you stop it?? If not then it doesn't matter if it's good or bad. why to bother about good or bad?

Is there any alternatives? well I first thought that if you connect to the person and then analyze him/her your analysis will have better penetration and you would be able to see if the sophistication is genuine (it's not mostly) or It is worn. But its ideal coz if the person has put a sophisticated interface for himself it is unlikely that he would let you connect to his inner integrity easily. He fear that if you come to know his inside lull and very ordinary personality, he would be exposed. Which he won't want.

*Started feeling sleepy*

 I hate to bring out a conclusion on this matter. I just wanted to represent a view. And I guess the motive has been fulfilled.

You can tell in comments how sophisticated you are or how simple you are or do you put an effort to be something which you aren't truly inside?

Intellectual

I just read this story "Buddhiwadi"(Intellectual) by Harishankar Parsai.....Harishankar Parsai is well known Hindi writer and humour/sarcasm is his forte.....This particular story did drag my attention, particularly due to its relevance with the current flow of changing human behavior in certain direction.......other than that its well written too.

Note: Excuse me for my limited word collection and grammatical mistakes.

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Life is made of blessings.

In childhood he helped an old beggar by supporting him in crossing the Road. The beggar blessed - "Son, may you be like me.". The old beggar must have meant his age, however he took the other meaning and became a teacher.

He was a teacher. Once he saved the life of a bat. The bat gave the blessing -"Brother, may you be like me". Whatever was the meaning of Bat, he became Intellectual. He flies with confidence and ego and when he sleeps with his leg up in the confidence that if by chance the Sky fall he will hold it with his feet.

Life made of blessings has now such a condition that he has a fixed salary of two to two and half thousand rupees*. He has a villa and car, both son are in good job and the daughter is doing research. In such condition even a honest person would become intellectual however he is not that honest. he was late in being.

After a stay of two year in foreign when he returned, relatives and known got the idea that he has become really intellectual. Drama loving people used to go to visit him and then tell that he has really became intellectual. One such person saw him down from his window and told he really has became intellectual....he is looking toward roof like he is calculating in how many year this roof would fall. One more saw him loitering in the garden and told - when he looks toward flower , it starts vibrating, He has become enormous intellect.

One day we went to visit him - my friend and I. On Phone he told us to come after half an hour. We in those days were collecting money for the relief work for the people who suffered in Storms in east - Pakistan*. we thought we would meet him and also get some donation from him.

We got into his room. Really he was changed. Black frame spectacles was gone, instead of that there was thin golden color frame spectacles. the glitter in his eyes and the shine of the frame were producing bright dazzle by reflecting each other. There was a restlessness in his stature. Restlessness is usually negative, but on his face it was positive restlessness. The restlessness was on the worse condition of the world. Pleasure was mixed with the pride in him that he has seen this worse condition of the world. His left side lower lip was drawn a little toward his ear and that was producing a little opening in between the lips. That little opening was the only place on his face from where the voice used to come out, rest mouth was closed. We speak from the whole mouth but Intellectual takes out their calculated words only from the left corner of his mouth. We laugh by opening our full mouth but Intellectual pull his left corner lip toward his nose and their is some movement in the nostrils and we get the honored message that - I am amused!! You are laughing but I am just feeling a little pleasure. Boorish people laugh, an intellectual only takes the wit.

On the table 5-6 books were placed backward in such a way that they are unintentionally and carelessly left their while studying. But even carelessly left they were in such an alignment that every book name was clearly visible. I was impressed by his knowledge of books. Even if they(books) would fall carelessly still carefully in such a way that the book name doesn't hide. I understood he wasn't reading the book, he called us after half an hour. In that half an hour he must have worked hard on the alignment and placing of the book. intellectual was continuously trying to draw our attention toward the books. He want us to be amused and say - How many types of book you read!!! We don't have even heard of the name of these. We are postponing in being amused. Intellectual gets restless.

He made us sit like that to look toward us he has to move his head for 35 degree. by moving his head for 35 degree, putting his elbow on the couch, placing his chin on the palm whenever he looks at us we gets pressurized by his intellectual terror. We feel so lowly about ourselves. On his face and eyes a magic is induced. When seeing us from this angle, slow serious voice coming right from the belly, he says - To my mind - Then we feel that this voice is coming from somewhere up in the clouds.But the sky is clear. We come to know with great effort that this voice is coming from the small opening of the left side of the lips of the Intellectual. Whenever he says 'To my mind' then I feel I don't have mind. There is only one mind in the world and he has it. If he had not his head moved to an angle of 35 degree and his chin were not on his palm he might have looked a very ordinary person. He must have put great effort in learning the art of depicting intellect by angles.

There is a flow in intellectual. Head movement has flow, palm movement has flow, his standing has flow, walking has a flow, his opening drawer has a flow, taking out book has a flow, turning the pages from the book has a flow. Every movement is slow. light personality gets nervous. His personality is beneath so much weightage of his wisdom that it can't make much movement. To me his intellect seems to be like an obese person who walks slow with heavy feet.

He said - Only after visiting Europe I understood that we are inferiors.
 I said - To know our inferiority you had to visit so far?
He answered - One who is to fall can't see that he is falling, people from far only can see his falling.

At that time I felt that we are fallen in a pit and from the up he is telling us that we have fallen. He has seen our falling so he is not one of those who is falling.

My friend asked - What's the reason of our inferiority/falling?
 Intellectual thought by closing his eyes. Then looked toward us and said - To my mind, We don't have character.

He told us our being inferior in such a way that he is satisfied with it. If we haven't been such how he would have got the opportunity to know and say that our he is clearly seeing our falling.

My Friend thought it necessary to talk about the point at that juncture and said - There has been a massive destruction in the east- Pakistan by storm.
He told the macabre and/or touching stories of death/epidemic and starvation.

Intellectual kept listening. We two were waiting for the effect. The effect was that from the left corner of his mouth he said - Yes. I have read it in newspaper.

At that point we felt that the people of east-Bengal* got honored that he has read about their bad condition. The storm became meaningful.He has done big charity on illness and starvation.

I said - we are collecting money for those affected people.
We are there to collect money, he thought we were there to collect knowledge.

He kept his chin on his palm and said in known cloudy serious voice - Nature balances. east -Pakistan population got too much hence to balance that Nature sent the storm.

In that duration , in the lack of his help one more person would have died in east Bengal.

If someone is sinking, he would not save him instead he will think about surface tension and density.
If someone is dying from hunger, Intellectual won't give him piece of bread he would start telling about the statics about the productivity of crops of different countries.
By seeing an ill person he won't arrange for medicine instead he will read to him the World Health Organization report.
If someones comes now and tell him about the death of his father. Intellectual won't be sad, He would start telling about genetic science and hereditary system.

We let go the expectation of donation from him. If we would ask him about the money, he will start telling about the economy of the world.
Now we left ourselves to Intellectual.

He was thinking and kept thinking, After much thinking he brought from the deep oblivion the truth which till now no one has ever brought. He said - To my mind, the ever greatest enemy is poverty.

By telling this in a sentence formula, the intellectual gave us time to think about it. We thought much about it but still for the solution for the problem of poverty we again had to return to Intellectual. I asked - How the poverty can be banished from world?
Intellectual said - I have thought Capitalism and Communism both are anti-human. We should increase the productivity by using advanced technical ways.
I asked- But what should be the system for distribution?
Intellectual - That I am thinking nowadays, trying to build a theory.

After proposing a ray of light toward the humanity the Intellectual became silent.

My friend said - We would have to recreate the society.
Intellectual again looked toward us and said - The first responsibility of the society is that it should destroy itself. Society must destroy itself. Infested with these caste, creed and color differences, Society must abolish then a new will be created.

I Thought to ask - If the whole society gets destroyed then how much million years it will take for the Nature to create Human(e)? I didn't ask. Got satisfied with the thinking that 'Only I understand' this feeling makes a person arrogant.

Intellectual can talk about Marxism, can talk about Einstein and Freud. can talk about Vivekananda and Confucious. After telling every statement he gives us time to understand digest that. He knows that for the first time we are listening about these talks.

We asked - Then what you have thought about the sickness of the world. How will this sickness be cured?
 He closes his eyes and thinks. We get ready to listen to big statement. Intellectual says - Ultimately I have to return to Gandhi. Love.

Intellectual has now come to revolutionaries, says - Student power! Youth power! We should give freedom to the young generation of our society. They will change the world. Any Country which suppress it's young generation can never make progress. Look at this book by Professor Marcuse. This book by Cohen Bendi.

Intellectual got serious. He has told ultimate truth.
He started to get up, At that point servant brings to him a letter.

Intellectual started reading letter. By reading the changes in him was visible. 35 degree angle of head started reducing. He sat straight. the curve of lips vanished.The wisdom in his eye vanished, instead there came worry. Face got straight and he started breathing fast. Intellectual now was seeming rather simple.
 Intellectual squeezed the letter in hi fist, took out his spectacles. We were looking at naked eyes which were diminished. Shine went off with spectacles itself. ego perhaps was squeezed with the letter in his fist.

I asked -  You look worried. Is everything alright.
Intellectual was startled and to us he seemed like a child whose toy is broken.
By taking deep breath Intellectual said - What time has come!
I asked - What happened?
 Intellectual said - Daughter was there at her Aunt house at Lucknow. She married there and I didn't know.
I asked - What does the boy do?
He said - He is Engineer.
I said - Then it's good.
Intellectual erupted - What's good in it. I will send him to jail.

A great moment was there to us. Some intricate truth about the inter-relation of human was to come from his mouth. Now his mouth is opening full. Earlier with spectacles he use to say with his curved lips. now he talks with opening his full mouth.

What does the intellectual analyze about this situation! Youth power? basis of men-women relationship? Freedom of marriage?

We look toward his face and his worries grows, Still squeezing the letter. He is perhaps eager to tell this news to his wife but we are eager to know that why he is worried about such a good marriage? There mut be some great philosophical content in it that only an intellectual might understand.

I said - Girl-Boy are adult, marriage happened at her Aunt house, Groom is good. Then why are you sad and worried? Tell us curious people about the mystery so that we too can apply an intellectual dimension toward Life.

He looked at us with his naked and diminished eyes and said with heavy heart - That boy is from low caste! 

           

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* The story is written quite early hence two and half thousand is understood as hefty money
* East -Pakistan or East- Bengal  is the pre 1971 Indo-Pak war name of what is Bangladesh  now.

Hope you would like it........thanks.

Drenched!!

Alright!! Here again..... What to write?? and where to start??

Have you ever done this? Saw a girl once and captured her beauty for forever in your eyes, in your mind....timeless beauty...the beauty without any conundrums or tantrums or burden or responsibility.

I mean why girl only? same could be and is applicable on the beauty of Nature. Think about the best rain you saw......I am sure you have got a picture in your mind or you may just for a flash of second got drenched in the beautiful memory of the best rain you watched or felt or had.

Let me describe mine.........I don't remember when it was, to be true am not sure even if it was or not or just my mind is making it up......it seems unbelievably beautiful.

The scene comes to my mind is of heavy downpour.........what they mean when they say rain lashing out. It has perhaps came after a long wait....It has hit people without notice and they are flummoxed. They are enjoying it but they don't want to forget that they have some responsibility......Fathers are trying to shield their children so that they don't get wet......Fruit sellers and Footpath vendors are trying to protect their stuff so that it does not get wet and spoil. women are running on roof to get the clothes which they put their to dry....its a waste if it gets wet again.

In all this everyone of them have a task.....every drop on their body is multiplying the urgency manifold. With the increase in the water droplets they increase their at to finish their task without wetting. But in all these somewhere their souls are enjoying those droplets.....and that soul's enjoyment is having a conflict with their mind's urgency. They are loving the drops but the notion of practicality is awakening them from suh intoxiating ideas.

children of course seems most excited........children that can be seen as well as those can't be seen. Those who were buried inside ourselves. they are excited again and you are happy to let them be but you just are bit cautious don't to loose your maturity though somewhere you are willing too.

Where am I in all this? Alright I am standing somewhere beneath a big tree.....the tree is not dense hence water are falling in between from the leaves and every drop is awakening me to a higher degree or say higher self. Every drop I feel is taking me lose to purity and innocence. At this point I am not jealous, I am not depressed, I am not selfish, I am not worried.......I am just filled up to neck just like the bucket someone kept to hold the falling water from roof to get inside their home.

Their is a small temple of Lord Hanuman......temple height is just little above the average human height.......it has already accomodated more people than it usually does. Their is small protruding part of ceiling is there to save the temple from windy angled rain to get inside......that protruding part is used as cover for few motorcycle drivers who thankfully decided to not to hurry and wait for the rain to stop.

Since people are close and they are already in the effect of this first rain they feel good in the closeness of other people to whom they usually remain distant for worldly reasons. Now in quest to save their already wet body from more rain they smile to each other whenever their eyes met. Some words also comes out which was not meant to be very meaningful.

this rain is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and through this post you too have seen.........It was and is and will be worth remembering......simply because it make us feel like human who's buckets are out to receive those excessive flow of joyful, vibrant, watery life.

Hope you would like this wet and drenched post....and don't tell me you had umbrella on while reading this post.........    :)           

Not in mood.

What is mood?? Sometime I ask myself (not others). the answer I get depends on my mood and hence quite a bit unreliable. Let's see what I get today.

When someone asks you "Do you want a cup of coffee?", One out of 100/1000/more chance you say "not in the mood". Before that you don't even know that you don't have a mood for a coffee. it's only when the person asks and for a split of second you feel "coffee???" and not really solid but strong enough you get a reply "no" within yourself.

So what was that? who sets our mood, okay a better question what sets our mood? No solid answer. It might be the environment, the physical condition we are in etc. like if its too hot then you certainly would turn the offer down for the coffee or say you have acidity then again you won't want one. you shouldn't.

But above all there is something, something which haven't take a shape well enough to be recognized that sets our mood and based on the mood creates our reaction. Let me think a bit more about it.

*after 5 minutes* well i tried to think but more questions came into my mind than the answers. To note down a few questions are -

• Are animals too moody ? (they seems moody, I can bet on snakes or monkey)
• Women more moody than men? (might not be true but it seems so)
• If removing the cause of your bad mood will automatically enhance your mood or it persists even then?
• Why does an open-heart talk with some good listener potentially relieves our mood and make it fresh?
• In bad mood is good time to do something creative? (like drawing or writing poem)

All these questions I guess answers the core part of it i.e. what mood really is? though not the way we wanted i.e. in words as a certified definition. let's take the previous point one after another.

Are animals too moody ? (they seems moody, I can bet on snakes or monkey) 

Okay this might not be directly related but in some way may be. I think animal are more moody than humans are because humans have reasons i.e. reasoning capability, hence as soon as a person feels not in the right mood he subsequently in unknown part of his/her brain start looking for reasons for that bad mood. So we challenges our bad mood, Animals don't, They just react to it.

Women more moody than men? (might not be true but it seems so)

well need to be bit politically correct here....so here is the preface - 'men and women both are basically humans and carries the basic human characteristics so it's not right to label one gender as more or less compared to other gender in respect of moods or otherwise. Every humans are unique hence a generalization would be inappropriate.'. So now we are done with the preface, back to business. Women certainly seems more moody, in fact they tends to have huge mood swing which time and again seems so illogical that the men who is facing it baffles. But again women mood too have some really subtle reason for such a swing. It might be their silent and closed reaction to any feelings like jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness etc.(in etc add the positive traits).

If removing the cause of your bad mood will automatically enhance your mood or it persists even then?

No, it doesn't. bad mood is a zone where we get in due to some unrealized reasons and unsatisfied conditions. Now even when the reasons are gone we are not able to automatically come back to our normal state. Why? Since in the first place we never really knew that what exactly was the reason for our bad mood entirely. Hence even if it's gone we tends to keep asking what's the reason for my bad mood and the answer we get is "not feeling right". So even the reason is gone we are not totally sure of it and hence need some kind of pull to get out of zone, If you don't get the pull, you would get out of that zone due to sheer boredom in that peculiar situation specially since it doesn't make proper sense.


Why does an open-heart talk with some good listener potentially relieves our mood and make it fresh?

I think an open heart talk is by far the best way to get out of bad mood without even realizing that you are getting out of it. Every human is a potential chatter, some of us control it or don't realize it. But talking to someone give us a feeling of confidence and attachment that someone is understanding you and hence there is a connection.This connection is a positive tickling vibes and that's why perhaps it feels good to talking to someone with whom you have no inhibition or insecurities. How to find that person? Most of us knows who that person is, just that we are not sure. So when in bad mood give that person an opportunity to be a good listener or at least talker. Good chance you would come out with a smile on your heart.


In bad mood is good time to do something creative? (like drawing or writing poem)

Might be, might not well be true but there are two points. Why?? it would make you feel better to do something creative or the outcome (drawings or poems) will be better? Former is sort of surity, later is more fancy than realistic however can't deny it outright. All those creative thing is nothing but giving a flow to our hidden, unsolved, unaware , unrealized, hibernated thoughts and feelings. In whatever art form they start taking shapes. So while they take shapes we sort of get detached to those feelings and feel lighter again. A person in angry mood might make a drawing of something cruel like volcano eruption(okay its too filmy but something) and after that when he come out all those anger seems meaningless and vanished. It got a shape and it left you. Start afresh.

Conclusion?? You tell me in comments. Too late in here, don't think would reach at office on time but let's say it was worth it. Hope it would have bettered your mood.

 

inner self on shelf?

Have you ever talked to yourself?? we often do however most of us don't feel confident in talking to ourselves.

Can you guess the reason?? why is it easier to talk to others in comparison to talking to oneself. If you ask me there is more than one reason.

First of all we believe on others more than we believe on ourselves, we prefer to judge ourselves from others point of view, we are keen to find out what other thinks about us?? We somehow don't trust ourselves.

Now contrary to common belief how we are (or atleast can be) a better judge of ourselves than others, First of all when someone else judges you, he somehow compares you either with himself or with someone else he knew or atleast some supposed standard he has in his mind for the person 'like' you. In addition to that more than often while judging you he(or she) even subconsciously alter their views based on some personal expectations or desires. So all in all its an unbalanced approach.

When someone else judges you, he merely judge an outlook, a persona you consciously or subconsciously or unconsciously represents. whereas we are not one person, we are multiple person with different traits inside person and the commonest thing in between all of them is 'you'. That is what exactly you are.

you are a myriad of sage, criminal, selfish, liar, opportunist, philanthropist, artist, poet philosopher, scientist and god knows thousands of more bearer of sheer single traits, you are all in one, some are dormant in you, some you have suppressed, some are latent and some are hyperactive some are noble, you are actually a periodic table who has all the element of different properties. when I am saying 'you', I mean the commonest 'you' of all those elements.

when you laugh your hearts out, there comes a point where you have no control over yourselves, it may be and is mostly a flash of second where you lose everything, It's something like a crest and when you touches that point it's only you and not all those persona you would have on you otherwise.

Imagine yourself laughing all out and feel the point where you lost all your masculinity and femininity, your hurt and worries you even loose the reason for which you were laughing, you lose every single worldly trait and its sort of a spiritual high and there you coincides yourselves totally and purely. however unfortunately to realize that you need to have a control on your mind and then its your mind which is 'programmed' to have you in your different sets.

Our mind is so programmed that we can't take anything out of the binary basis of 'good' or 'bad' which ironically themselves are entirely 'based on'. As I am telling that you actually are a carrier of different personality, you surely would be thinking if its good or bad? well its neither. It's what it is. it is our balance to the twist between us and the world, it's our respective reply to the difference between natural and practical. It's the juxtaposition which works and its our respective compromise. each of us has a different level from this side of infinity to that side of infinity. No its not good or bad, it's not binary.

Let's accept what we are , let's not forgot ourselves, let's be practically natural or naturally practical. there is no problem if you don't have bones to get to the levels and standards set by someone else, because afterall he was someone 'else'. There is no point in trying to set standards on someone else's standard.

let's recognize ourselves, let's ask question to ourselves, let's stop aping others as a person, let's be ourselves without looking left or right. let's be criminal if that's what you really are but just don't get caught.


If I have to categorize people , even though if I say that every person is a category in himself i still would categorize them in two ways 'questions' and 'answers'. the person who falls in questions category are easily noticeable, these are those rebellious type, they put questions every now and then, they make you think and they are content to make you think.

They are or atleast seems magical, they think but upto the level where the question is created, the questions which everyone feels and most of them without realizing. these questions in somewhat way their weapon, they won't look for answer but they make sure that the sting of their question continue, they love their questions and dont want to see them die, Hence more often than not they get aggressive when someone tries to answer their question, they instantly would look for flaws in the answers and would nullify the answers. The question category people uses the questions created or thought by them as shades, they relax beneath their questions.

Now the answers type people, these people would look for answers, they find a pride in solving, in long run most of these people consumes an air of superiority above others, they are not as big a hit as the question people but still they are sought sometime desperately, they sometime get so obsessive for answers that if they can't put an answer they would put workarounds. these people are basically constructive and mostly bore to be with for the simple reason that they are killing your curiosity. when you are curious you would madly look for answer but when you get answer you feel vacant and static, you are boringly tranquilized. the answer people are mostly defensive and protective contrary to question people who are offensive.

If you ask me what type I am, I think i am an opportunist, I changes my zone, I and many other try to make a balance, when with question people I am the answer type, when with answer people I am the question type. 

Pen and pencil

Some materialistic things have a strange effect on your persona, they are so attached to you...infact you are so attached to it.....You feel so good to even think of it and if its with you you feel like dancing in yourself.

When I was a kid and we in our school had to write with pencil and eraser were their to use if we make any mistake while writing....I hated that....I always was thinking when will i get the chance to write with pen......pen seemed so powerful and authoritive then....but it was not allowed in class, still 2-3 of the boys had that......either they got it from parents or elder brothers and when teacher were not there in the back of the copy they use to write with pen and that used to fascinate us the others.

They even used to give us the chance to write our name or something....the big draw was that it couldn't be erased by eraser and mostly it was a symbol of your being on your own so that you dont need to erase what you write.

My father gifted me a pen which he got from his office and I was so keen that I opened it to see all the parts and when I saw all the parts I remained as amused as I was before opening it coz i didnt know how to set it up and ultimately was slapped by my father. let's say it was worth it.

Ultimately the days passed and we got the chance to write with pen and then it became  apart of us and the fascination evaporated with time. I think it was day to day business. I was a master in getting my pen lost. The major part of my writing in my academics has been done by someone else's extra pen. Since I was so introvert and shy then either someone else's use to ask the very typical "someone has got an extra pen" question.

Days kept passing and pencil got in somewhere in oblivion. it didn't even touch our mind. The mention of pencil were merely color pencil for drawing tasks. At that time "Reynolds 045" came in market.....it looked so classy thin long white cover and in the front bluish glass fixed to it and then the refill tip out of that glass. The blue and later black pen cover. Whoever used that had an impression until and unless i got one of myself which ofcourse i lost soon. However even this passed.

And with time jetter, rotomac, cello etc. started to hold the market....

Also for people whose handwriting was bad, that included me were suggested to use ink pen. Ink pen had another story. I felt it was the messier breed of pen. you would surely get your hand inked if not your shirt. But ink pen was fun to write with it sort of flowed on paper with your hands however I got detached, disappointed and dejected by ink pen when I accidently spilled my Horlicks on my note-book and all the written things were washed away. My love with ink-pen which otherwise was never there ended that very day.

i got back to pencil when the geometry part started.......HB pencils were strictly needed.....ironically I didnt find any pencil which was not HB. nataraj, camlin all were HB. In the instrument box there was one instrument which were used to draw construction with pencil attached to it on one end. However that instrument was more instrumental in piercing due to its needle. It was also used to mark our seat boundaries and sometime used as a dart.  

But this time pencil wasn't inferior....it was simple, effective, useful and sensible. ultimately it was 360 degree and then I realized that a thing more powerful comes with its own problem and a simple thing helps you great deal in complex problems.

Slowly but surely I got away from pen...it made me feel like restrictive and uselessly complex. pencil on the other hand made me feel more pure and innocent and effective.

Even nowadays whenever I try to write something which isn't official or professional and is only concerning to me, I prefer pencil. the glow of graphite looks better as it gets older. When I read my own words it seems it directly appeal to the imaginative part of my brain unlike pen which now seems more mechanical. pencil now is more humane to me, it magically represents simplicity.

Almost all my half-written stories are written with pencil on A4 sheets and I sort of preserve them.

I think it's safe to say that I am very much attached to pencil now . the wooden piece in my hand releases the complications of my thought it seems. It simplifies my personality and make me easy to feel better.

Each repeat is new

For going to and coming from office I pass from the same path and today too it was the same, I told earlier too that most of the time I look outside from window, If I can't I feel bit suffocated.

I realized that today that i have a strange habit of reading everything outside, every single Billboard, every shop name, every advertisements. I kept doing it everyday and yet strange enough Everyday I find something new which I hadn't read earlier.

So it's like the more I travel from that road the more thing I notices but the scope little smaller, As days are passing I am noticing more and more smaller things.

When I started I used to notice Things which draws your attention like malls, four-ways, over-bridge. then After some days I started noticing smaller things like furniture shops, water tanks smaller roads which are constituting to jams.

After few days things which were even smaller in nature like a house, small shops etc.

These things are going on and I feel everyday my scope of noticing and observing thing is getting finer and I feel it would keep going like this and Each time I will find something new which I didn't noticed earlier.

Walk

I think I can claim this......walking is a great feeling....the sense of movement.....the relative reciprocal movement of the world makes you forget or modify your thoughts......

Whenever I feel low about myself I go for a walk....there is something about it, it always works and by the time I return I am upto a large extent relieved. Other feature is that when you go out for a walk,,,you always notice a lots of new things.....Today when I was walking I somehow was slowly mumbling a song...suddenly I realized how all those years I used to get the wrong meaning of the song.....and the right meaning was so evident still I persisted with the wrong meaning......this perhaps represents that If convinced I usually dont give a second thought.....It makes me stubborn and adamant.

I guess we are what our childhood was.....if childhood was troubled.....the person would remain troubled throughout his life......going by this theory I sometime look at a person and tries to find out how his/her childhood was.......no matter how much I try I always get a prejudice relative to my own childhood......I find it easy to define someone's childhood as brat........someone's childhood as pampered....perhaps coz mine was none of them.

Had to write more...but feeling sleepy......tomorrow or some other day.

Subconscious = unimportant + not urgent

Willing to write something, but what? let me think, let me go back in time and find a day which I want to discuss, personally I prefer discussing those days on which nothing special happened because those days are the days where I lived my life so peacefully and content that I didn't notice anything which is....to say unlikely me.

I wish i go back to those days and adore things which i didn't notice......the realization which was never there and that time when you were not the part of the world even you were in the world.

I love those times, when i felt something real cosmic, I'm sure most of feelers feel it....you feel happiness with just as much of sadness and you wont be able to tell which one was prominent.......you forget every humans you know and everything you own and in many ways you forget yourself too. your identity, your designation, your achievements and your blunders all just dont bother you that very moment.

I feel many people feel this, though i have never ask anyone but certainly if i feel....it can't be unique to me. I sometime ask myself...Do I always talk about myself and then I instinctively revolt and put instances where I didn't, mostly in mitigation. But this question coming out of my conscience in itself says something......It says yes I do and it also says that my subconscious thoughts are becoming conscious and why is that? Maybe because my conscious has not much thoughts.

Things get into sub-conscious and you dont realize that when you have already much in mind.......somehow your brain tag those 'subconscious' thoughts as 'not so important' and filters it so that it don't get into conscious......so that you can concentrate on major issues and thoughts.

This thing is very evident I suppose.......When in world, dealing with people, I don't think what I am thinking now, All there activity goes in my subconscious and only which are unusual and peculiar are noticed, others are just tagged 'not so important' and are stored in subconscious.......

Relation ship-sip-sheep

This question has always been in my mind.........Which one is better?? the relationship god provides us(or by birth for atheist) or the one which we makes by ourselves in the expenditure of our life, course of our life??

In the first instance it seems the relationship we make by ourselves. When I think why??
Maybe because it is just close to our heart we love our decisions basically, We love our choices.

I made a few friends in my life. Time I spent with all those friends are just so awesome.......the jokes we cracked, the gossips we had and don't take me wrong I guess it's the same for many guys if not better.

On the other hand the relationships we had by birth........Mother, Father, uncle, aunt etc. etc. Mother would always be a special relationship to most of person reason must be the selfless love which flows from both side. Relationship with father is very tricky. Fathers are in total control while we are just being desperate for the freedom. Fathers are insecure and their experience of life sort of belittle the capabilities of their children. In that scenario a tussle is inevitable. It goes on until Father lose the control and children gains the independence.

All other relationship from your own nuclear family is a second degree relationship either a leisure or pest depends on person to person also situation to situation.

But somehow in long run I have come to believe that relationship by birth are way too stronger than the relation we choose over them. It is just that we take it for granted. We dont give them the value they deserve we just give them minimum level of importance. We subconsciously stretch it as far as possible.

To please our heart or in better words, to appease our heart we just get inproportionaly and inappropriately indulge in maintaining the relationship which we make just because it appeals to us.

I am not leading to any conclusion but just the thing as I see it......this happens and will happen......maybe that's how we feel of living our life the way we wanted.

Ye Saali Zindagi

Recently i saw this movie 'Ye Saali Zindagi'.........since long i had been disliking Hindi movies mostly coz of their love-theme and exaggerating love and all those stuff.....last good movie I remember was 'A wednesday' due to its gripping plot and great acting.

Infact I was very much reluctant to see that movie and just before that I saw 'Delhi belly' which I think can be termed as a coming of age sort of movie. I wont say Delhi Belly is a great movie but it was okay.

'Ye Saali Zindagi' starcast consist Irrfan Khan who can hardly be considered a star on whom our movies mostly relies nowadays, people goes to watch SRK, Aamir, Salman, Akshay etc etc and enjoy watching them doing things. These stars are at the stage where whatever they do would seem charming, meaningful and cute for the people to whom they have effect on. Personally speaking I don't like Irrfan Khan much due to his troubled look a matching voice.

I decided to start the movie from the middle so that if I find it unbearable I can leave it without any guilt. But then I realized movie wasn't about him, it wasn't about a single protagonist so to say. I was able to watch the movie in one go. Then I started again from the beginning and somehow realized it was a great movie.

It wasn't on any hard-hitting subject, It was about love but not entirely, It was about criminals but not on face reality type, It was about corruption but not with moral garbage. Just a lively movie with a happy ending. Just like you can't judge a book by it's cover, you can't judge a movie by star cast.

One more great thing I found was the music and songs....Really liked the lyrics of few and music of the rest. I can say I was pleased to watch a good hindi movie which is typical yet refreshing.

Restart!

One of the most irksome truth about the life is that its unpredictable, However giving it a deep thought it's what that make life moving, I few know something is going to happen, the time between when we knew and when it will happen would remain meaningless and one might want to pass it without any enthusiasm.

So it serves, the unpredictability, It keeps you absorbed and attentive. In other words it keeps you alive.

I just asked myself "Do i have this natural instinct of creating prefaces?" . Why don't/can't I just tell the crux in short, get to the point. Why Do I feel the need to make it composite? to represent the whole picture, to try to explain anything with totality? In most of the cases it's not even needed, let's realize it.

So getting to the point. I was getting some spam mail from my ex-gf. I ignored them but today I got one more and I found her online, so I asked if she is sending it or its coming accidently. She said she isn't aware of it that such mails are getting sent.

Then it was obvious though she asked How m i? I said 'Good'. Suddenly out of nowhere she asked me if we can start again as a friend?

Truly speaking this disturbed me, mocked my sentiments, but I simply said I dont have the courage to say "no".

Then we talked about how life has been in between this much time, I was talking to her after 2 years.

I have a mixed feeling about the incident. But as I said unpredictability has a purpose. i decided to go with the flow.

I have learnt to channelize me, well so to say, i don't know how determined I am but it seems life wont let me sit idle. From my point of view some disturbances are better than absolute tranqualization. Afterall the quest is to pass the life, it's long if its pacified, it's short if it has disturbances.

Sometime I feel I don't want to know what will happen tomorrow coz I would get the courage at the moment, thinking about it from early might confuse me.
The talks were too formal and ended abruptly

One inspirational instance

It was a normal day, long ago. It was usual summer with unusual heat and restlessness.
Now when I think it so seems arid yet beautiful at that time it seemed so hectic and confusing.

Life is like that only. maybe. maybe not. How does it matters afterall. Throughout my little life I have faced this question most, so much of so that I got the answer as 'nothing matters' absolutely nothings. There is no purpose, It's all illusionary plank. Finding the purpose maybe the only purpose of life and when you find it you realize there was no purpose afterall still you lived on the life in pursue of it.

Anyway coming back to matter. it was a thin and long bench I was sitting on. And against me was the road and chaos which prevail there, 5 minutes before of which I was a part too. Infact the chaos was realized when I detached myself from it.

This boy put the plate infront of me, plate was filled with mashed up 'samosa' and with an aptly diluted chutney with it. A spoon was filled there inbetween the mashed samosa and perhaps that spoon was most lifeless thing in the whole plate.

I put one spoonful in my mouth and i guess i sucked the life out of those ingredient through the tongue to the nerves. It brought me back, from where I don't know but to myself. I started noticing again and I realized that the shop name was denoting some late person.

I looked all around and realized they were all kids with mother not around. I guessed maybe it's their father name on the board of the shop. Why I can't see the mother?? maybe she works somewhere else as a maid or something.

But certainly the shop was being run by kids only now I see the order. One girl of 14 sitting at the corner and washing the plates, spoon and glasses. One other girl of 12 maybe is sitting at the counter and she is being guided by the elder sister as to how much to cut and how much to return for each customer.

Then the boy who served me with the plate. They all seemed so busy doing their work rather professionally. Not expecting any emotional sympathies or attachment.

for them it's simple work. Ideally they should have been in school. Ideally. Life ridicules idle ideas. And again I think it doesn't matters.

While I was thinking that I subconsciously heard someone shouting but was too busy in my plate and things on that. Suddenly i realized a small girl, real small bringing a glass of water for me, she was so small that she had to use both of her hands and still can't cover the full diameter of the glass.

taking so very careful steps so that she dont spill the water out of glass. It just hit me. and she looked at me with those big eyes. I don't know what she was looking for. maybe she was just looking and not looking for.

or perhaps there is a difference, She was the youngest in the brood. While for others it was plain work, straight business. they were not expecting anything. This small girl had this difference, her eyes deserved something.

i took the glass from her hand and she as a child was reading me, all my behavior and actions would be in someway give her some experience about people, Ofcourse she notices everyone like that.

That's how children grows by noticing and trying to understand the elders and their action.

I realized that there was some sense in all this, The eldest girl was taking the biggest responsibility and toughest job of cleansing the plates and utensils, Also she was guiding everyone of them. She was virtually the backbone.

Then the other girl at the counter perhaps had the mathematical knowledge and she was helped by elder sister also.

The boy had to serve the customers and it was only suitable coz he was the only boy among all of them.

Then that little girl had the supposed easiest job of providing glass of water. I don't know if it occurred them naturally or was it well thought but one thing for sure that this order was not incidental.

As i paid and moved from there I have realized I have seen something beautiful. I didn't feel sorry for them. Life is not equal to any of us, we have different degree of struggle to face, it's just how do we face it.

They together were facing it beautifully and bravely.

Restroom

Bathrooms and toilets are the best places. They are basically confession rooms in disguise. there is something about them that make you feel different.

I love to spend time in there, doing nothing. or doing something which i dont do coz its supposed insane. well i guess people do more insane things than what I do. i don't claim i am the only insane.

Actually it's important for being sane if you are supposed to be and your inside is frustrated by it. Human are like water or i have come to conclusion that water are like humans, just as mysterious and they claim to be transparent more often, They think that others make them impure, on their themselves they are purest. most of the times they have undercurrent which is opposite to what we see on the surface. they try to level themselves. they try to change themselves according to the shape of jar(environment) they are in.

When in large mass they become force and are too dangerous. water are very much like us humans. they have copied all our traits and when someone says nature is cruel i think nature is telling us how cruel we are.

I think i deviated from topic. So why is bathroom and toilets like a confession room?? Coz anywhere else we are aware of our activity. we are looking at ourselves with other's eyes. We are adjusting ourselves. we are manipulating in our own capabilities. Now for people all these are necessities, well i have to agree it is. but like water we need to balance the thing.

Where do we balance?? In temple/mosque/church ?? Very unlikely. We are adjusting ourselves there also. We are careful there, we are not free.

Hence it's the Restrooms. Call it my another illogical theory but people who are not clean and sure and pure would spend lesser time in restrooms, coz they hate to all alone looking themselves through their own (not other's) eyes.

Well that doesn't mean that people who spends hell lot of time in restrooms are of purest of hearts. Well they might be suffering (wow! I just killed three mosquitoes in one shot thats bettering my previous personal best record) from constipation or diabetes. It's sure is no litmus test.

Everyone prefers clean toilet and there is no psychology involved there. People spends millions on their bathroom and toilet to make it the absolute marvellous.

what for??

So that they hope in such a great environment maybe they wont be able to face their grayish self. Well it's not a conscious effort I suppose but it's an effort nevertheless.

We are basically running away from ourselves coz ourselves is ugly by our own projected standards. Facing yourselves without a mirror is hell lot of different. It's not a necessity to being a good person but what is necessity is to project yourself being a good(not in literal sense something like polished and clean) person. this projection and its deviation from original compels us to make superb restrooms and washrooms.

In the shine of it we want to get so amused that we accepts the allusions that we are shining from insides also.

Do i sound like i am telling that we all are bad persons?? that's I never meant. We are just person good and bad are too strong a word to describe our delicately complex nature.

But one thing I would like to say that it's not you and your loneliness any more (As famously and romantically Amitabh Bachchan put it). It's you and your image.

you laughs at your image in confession room. your image avoids you as much as possible.

you know your image is necessary, your inner self taunts you. But who cares??

Observation > perception > Stereotyping

People with bad hand-writing are usually good in studies, people who are thin usually like spicy foods, beautiful girls are usually dumb and vacant/hollow.

These are/were some of mine, everyone has got it. no matter arguing over it if it's right or wrong. It's just how we study. Life is a process of studying, It's mind purpose and these concepts are building blocks which even can be mindless and without any foundation still become the foundation of your becoming.

Also on a negative side it's the start of xenophobic as well as jingoistic idea. Everyone is a racist in a way, just at the point we try to judge a person by his/her looks, color, behavior, language we becomes a racist and we can't help it. Well maybe racist is not a good word it's rather offending.

Observation it is in it's purest stage, a good observant is usually thoughtful person that too is an observation but we can easily find a logic in it. But logic always follows observations. We observes and then we 'find' the logic and then we apply that logic on few more observations and accepts or rejects the logic.

I have met people who are brilliant in studies and have really good handwriting, There must be beautiful girls who are very brainy indeed afterall one works in my office. But still we cant help and keep making such concepts and we dont mind making it until its confined upto us.

You see a person of different originality than yours and you start observing him/her straightforward with or without confronting him/her. If you look closely it's rather natural we can't help it, it's our nature, human nature. we fail but failing don't stops you from trying.

Something like loving, you love and you get hurt but you cant stop loving and thats the reason of your frustrations. Actually you detest yourself for being so weak against human nature.

What one should be careful is that our nature shoudnt affects our behavior in negative manner.

Loneliness

 I was lazy enough to mention that. What I should mention? why I should mention?? What's the purpose? Meaningless seems ultimate eventuality.

I slept for whole day, I woke up when most people go to sleep. This strange feel of waking at wrong time is so unique. I never could decipher it. It seems like the dynamism has lessened a lot than it was before sleeping. Maybe we de-celebrate (don't know the correct word) returning back to this real world.

I am awake now with nothing to do, noone to talk, I am habitual of these scenarios but it still feels like a new experience. I get amused as for how long one can feel lonely? If you are frustrated all the tym, you wont feel frustrated. we get accustomed to the situation. Mostly it's the transition from one feeling to another pleases or hurt as the matter may be.

But loneliness seems an exception, you would keep feeling lonely throughout. I think maybe bcoz we are lonely among the crowd. Thirst increases by seeing the water.

I have this habit of overdoing things. To get rid of something I overdo that and this overdoing kills any underlying anxiety or pleasure and sumtym pain. After sumtym we fail to feel the pleasure or pain if we overdo things.

it doesn't works for loneliness, But Still I remain content since I don't have any valid options which can be done without the adulteration to my concepts.

Thinking is a boon as well as bane, There are many who too bear loneliness but they don't feel it coz they don't/can't think about it much. Thinking about problem many times help us solve the problem but many times it makes the problems more problematic.

There are few mosquitoes around me so maybe I am not as lonely as I think. But then loneliness is really not just about being alone. If you are in a group even then you can be lonely. It's the feeling of 'isolation' that's loneliness

Talk Talk talk

Yesterday was too tired to write anything and anyway had nothing substantial to write, Even Today have nothing so important to post, Yet to continue....

Today I had work to complete and I completed. perhaps thats the difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday I couldn't complete even when I tried hard and hence felt very tired. Today It was completed though it was toiling yet I am not feeling tired today.

Maybe it's the end result which upto some extent have a say in a person being tired or not.

Other than that I was thinking only sexual things I guess which doesn't deserve mention here.

In the evening just before leaving the office I thought to have a tea, I went up. There was a person whom I find very cool in his approach, sort of crowd puller. I am just reverse to him. I don't talk to anyone until and unless some ask something or it's professionally necessary.

He asked me 'Why don't you talk?'. And my natural reply was 'What to talk?'.

'Why what so..' He couldn't find an appropriate word. 'traumatic' I helped him with that word.

'Yes, Why What so traumatic happened to you that you have nothing to talk, If not anything else teach us some PHP.' He completed his sentence.

'Let me learn first' I replied, a typically full stop type answer.

But it made me think of two things, first why don't I talk? and second why it matter for people If I don't talk.

So for the first part, I guess it didn't take me much time to find an answer, it mostly have three reasons.

1> I am fed up of the type of talk people do.

2> I don't see any point in talking or speaking. Many times it seems meaningless.

3> I am too busy listening to you.(or noticing you)

It was the second part which took me little time to get to the answer, Why does it irks or uncomfortable if I don't talk.

I think I have got an answer but I would post it tomorrow coz in this single post not enough characters are left.

So why do people get conscious when some non-talkative person is around, In what way it irks them??

The root I think is in instinct, Every thing you say make it possible for the people around you to understand you, judge you or assess you. Most of the people try to suit themselves according to different people.

Suppose If you come to know everything about someone but have never talked to him, you wont be able to truly ascertain that you know that person, However even if you don't know any details about someone and still talks to him or her regularly, you would feel that you know much about him.

Add all these factors, If someone don't talk then you don't feel that you know him well, you find it difficult to guess about what he thinks and more importantly 'How' he thinks. Hence you don't know in what way he takes your statement and comments which in turns make you conscious about your own talking. Also some people have habit to suit themselves according to the person they think that since he don't talk, he possibly don't like talking people. Those people confusingly try to curb their natural instinct creating a paradox.

Further to fathom I use to think why do I talk much with some people though I dont talk with many in general. Mostly because they accepted me as I was neither they tried to modify themselves according to me, They didn't searched or calculated or guessed my reactions. They were just themselves and it gave me the surety that no matter what I can say anything and they would say anything, There was no compulsion or effort to talk. And that's why there was no unease.

If you are giving too much attention for what I say, Then it gives me an added responsibility to check as what i am going to say and most of the time I would feel that It's better to be quiet coz people would try to interpret and decode the statement.

Thinking

Today (or better say yesterday) was again an easy yet boring sunday, with nothing to do and weather too was hot. I felt like sleeping in the daytime but then didnt sleep coz its not good if I dont get the sleep in the night later.

But anyway I am not getting sleep now. Looking back to the day, Apart from the things I did if I think what I thought then I wud start thinking new things now, Thinking is like multi-threading you start with one thread and then it keep changing threads depending upon the scope your minds can wander on.

If we don't take it as good or bad , beneficial or harmful and take it as a process then it seems a rather natural functioning of brain. Brain produces thoughts in heaps depending on the person's ability to observe/notice/fathom. Sometime its real troublesome to synchronize those thoughts as they really seems awry and many times have missing links.

Once my ex-gf(don't yawn) told me that I should not think so much, But I don't do it on wish, It just comes to me that way. Also thinking so much things which has no 'usefulness' is frustrating. Important word is 'usefulness'. That's a practical approach. Much thinking is never useful. You should have minimum required thinking prowess to excel on usefulness.

Usefulness demands balance not excess of anything.

Beside that I listened to some real old songs mostly of devanand and kishore kumar combination like from the film 'nau do gyarah', 'solvah saal' etc.

And I was amused that how such songs says the feelings of many many people by same sentences again and again. It feels like the words are coming out right from our heart.

Now the time has come to sleep, atleast to try, I hope my mind stops thinking when I am asleep. I sometime fears it keeps thinking it is just that i don't remember and hence dont realize.

I am looking forward for today's work, that also made me think but then I get paid for that, I wish i get paid for otherwise thinking also.