Since morning my mood was off, it was even more tested with a friend's annoying request to which I didn't want to be part of.
Eventually I gave up and accepted the irritating request, it also ensured that the friendship has been damaged. I have come to believe that I am impossible to be friend with because...just say I am a dictator when it comes to myself. I am one of those guys who if ever get suspicious of being used or avoided or ignored or mocked will break everything in one go and move away. Once broken it's hard to rebuild. Ofcourse people try but let's face it I am not their priority, their life is their priority. Interestingly I am perfectly okay with it. I mean even though I break up internally i never think or believe that they owe me anything and if they ever apologize it only makes me feel guilty so I just secretly hope that they don't.
So today was it for that friend...well no more a friend I once believed he would be....So all in all the number of people I am at ease with is really minimum.
I don't like to be disturbed when I am thinking something, a wish which would never be fulfilled. I suddenly got a call from an unknown number. My first reaction to avoid it. I don't want a credit card or loan, neither I want to donate for the blinds, well not because money is dear to me , it is of course but because I don't trust the people who calls and ask for money. I don't want to be the idiot who thought he is donating money for good works and is laughed upon by few guys clinking their glasses of wine.
So I got tempted to cut the call but then I overcome that with the notion that it might be someone genuinely want to talk to me, so I picked the phone, thankfully. as I said "hello", some girl confirmed that it's me by calling my nick-name, it was my cousin. my paternal aunt daughter.
And then it stuck me. Why it's so weird? because just like friends I also don't give relatives any second chance. In fact so much of so that I consider relatives as human looking parasites. It has much to do with my personal experience. I have forced myself out of that web.
I had no contacts with any of my relatives since long and frankly speaking I really didn't want to with most of them. But this cousin of mine is special she is a link to my childhood. She is a younger sister and also perhaps my first friend to whom I really got along well. I always felt that we had a relation which would never be deteriorated with our falling families relations. We always have a mutual likeliness and respect mainly because our friendship was made on innocence.
However I quickly overcame my surprise and got along well with the flow. She was not hesitant which is an inborn trait in me...that's why maybe we get along well. maybe we inspire each other to somewhat degree. We were talking after 10 years and 10 years before I guess we talked after 5 years. So naturally we came really really long way......She matured as a girl and well I was born matured just got more and more arrogant with time.
Hence we talked for long understandably I was the listener for most part of it. But after long long time it felt really good to connect with my sister. Knowing myself I would have probably never contacted her out of the doubtfulness as if I should or not.
Now it seems like a new start where we would take forward with whatever our aging parents had in common. Probably with a more open mindset as we don't have issues to resolve between us and say have a more positive and open outlook.
Eventually I gave up and accepted the irritating request, it also ensured that the friendship has been damaged. I have come to believe that I am impossible to be friend with because...just say I am a dictator when it comes to myself. I am one of those guys who if ever get suspicious of being used or avoided or ignored or mocked will break everything in one go and move away. Once broken it's hard to rebuild. Ofcourse people try but let's face it I am not their priority, their life is their priority. Interestingly I am perfectly okay with it. I mean even though I break up internally i never think or believe that they owe me anything and if they ever apologize it only makes me feel guilty so I just secretly hope that they don't.
So today was it for that friend...well no more a friend I once believed he would be....So all in all the number of people I am at ease with is really minimum.
I don't like to be disturbed when I am thinking something, a wish which would never be fulfilled. I suddenly got a call from an unknown number. My first reaction to avoid it. I don't want a credit card or loan, neither I want to donate for the blinds, well not because money is dear to me , it is of course but because I don't trust the people who calls and ask for money. I don't want to be the idiot who thought he is donating money for good works and is laughed upon by few guys clinking their glasses of wine.
So I got tempted to cut the call but then I overcome that with the notion that it might be someone genuinely want to talk to me, so I picked the phone, thankfully. as I said "hello", some girl confirmed that it's me by calling my nick-name, it was my cousin. my paternal aunt daughter.
And then it stuck me. Why it's so weird? because just like friends I also don't give relatives any second chance. In fact so much of so that I consider relatives as human looking parasites. It has much to do with my personal experience. I have forced myself out of that web.
I had no contacts with any of my relatives since long and frankly speaking I really didn't want to with most of them. But this cousin of mine is special she is a link to my childhood. She is a younger sister and also perhaps my first friend to whom I really got along well. I always felt that we had a relation which would never be deteriorated with our falling families relations. We always have a mutual likeliness and respect mainly because our friendship was made on innocence.
However I quickly overcame my surprise and got along well with the flow. She was not hesitant which is an inborn trait in me...that's why maybe we get along well. maybe we inspire each other to somewhat degree. We were talking after 10 years and 10 years before I guess we talked after 5 years. So naturally we came really really long way......She matured as a girl and well I was born matured just got more and more arrogant with time.
Hence we talked for long understandably I was the listener for most part of it. But after long long time it felt really good to connect with my sister. Knowing myself I would have probably never contacted her out of the doubtfulness as if I should or not.
Now it seems like a new start where we would take forward with whatever our aging parents had in common. Probably with a more open mindset as we don't have issues to resolve between us and say have a more positive and open outlook.
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