I feel It's that time again, I am feeling down, sad and lonely. more internally than externally.
I guess I consciously try to avoid talking about myself, my insecurities but today I won't hold any bar. What's wrong with me? I guess I am born 20 years or so late. I don't gel very well with the current culture. I always feel left alone. Of course it's my behaviors which are the main reason.
I will talk about myself only, today 04-07-2013 05:02 AM I am still awake with a very stoic feelings. This feeling is not new to me but it still strike afresh and it's so very effective. What triggered this feeling? Well say news of someone getting seperated who never was really close to me but I really adored her throughout.
I never talked to her, never touched her. She barely knew about my existence in the world. And now the news that perhaps I will never see her again is so killing me. I don't know how to overcome it. and it disturbed me so much of so that even a lazy person like me is forced to write it down in hope that I may find some solace.
Loneliness is crushing and to most of us it's a big monster, but in my case it's even more scathing because I am the reason of my loneliness, my doubts, my stubbornness, my values and my ego. All in all I am an unbearable soul and it can well be said that I don't have the right to crib since I am the culprit.
When I look at my parents who are getting older and the thought that they will be gone one day shatters me so much that I desperately try to not to think on that line but it's inevitable. It's law of nature. Still I feel I would never be able to come to terms with the idea of my existence without them. They always complains that I don't call. Well I don't because a) I am a procrastinator and b) I really have nothing to talk to them.Still I feel my existence is nullified without my parents.
Next when I think about my friends. I was and am an introvert. I didn't make much friends. But I thought I made quality friends. They all have special places in my heart even though to a few I am not on a talking terms. I lost virtually all of them and they too got busy in their respective lives. I am not complaining I mean this is how it happens what I miss that had I been a bit more expressive and active maybe I would have maintained a better tie with my friends.
My Love life , a total disaster. had one relationship which I consider as a relationship and I really don't know how the other party thinks of it now maybe a fluke. My mistake was to think that I am acceptable even though my anti outgoing nature. Of course she made me believe that I am special and stuff but think about it doesn't all the guys in love feels similar way. And the biggest bonus for sure was to know the inevitable breakup, the inability to accept it and desperately trying to mend what is already broken. All my dreams and aspirations which I shared with her or which I made her a part of started haunting me. A metaphor would be when a person sees his own house being turned into debris and all he could do is stand and hope that something miraculous will happen and everything will be as what he planned.
I won't say I came out stronger on the other side but something like that. It made sure that I will be always avoiding any serious relationship. what I feel I gone through and the pessimist I am I can only hope that at the very best the same would be repeated. So I decided to take as it comes and avoid relationships, well honestly avoid opportunities. I still fantasize some pretty girl professing about her inner feelings for me and how most of my moves were so attractive and what I consider my weakness is actually cute and other embarrassing truth. These fantasies keeps me afloat, keeps my morale at level if not really high and also it passes the time really well.
But in the time like these when someone I had a huge crush on and to whom I never made a move because let's say I was too coward is silently going out of my life. Those fantasies are proven shallow, not a great feeling. Anyway there was nothing and there was nothing going to erupt, then why the hell I feel sad and why only me and why not those crushes? Those beautiful face which you can't ignore, you can't dislike I mean how can you, who hates a smiling baby? Similarly this girl was/is adorable, graceful, down to earth and married. A look at her relieves a lot of worldly worries. And I won't be able to see that again is really saddening.
In the counter argument one can say that I would find another girl to have a crush on. I don't think I will considering the circumstances around but let's say maybe I will but even though it doesn't lessens anything because the attachment I had on this girl will not be carried over to the new girl. This attachment will remain their unfulfilled and then a new attachment will start with the new person and then whole thing altogether again.
with this good girl I fantasized that I will tell her a beautiful story which I read in childhood and which I am sure she didn't ever hear and I felt we will have a bond and understanding and henceforth. Which story? I can't declare it's reserved for her or maybe someone like her.
Why are we cursed in this strange way, Why we have such a world where neither being a woman is easy nor being a man. It's not that we are incomplete without each other It's more of that we are not meant to be complete.
Anyway I feel she would always be there in my heart just like my parents and my friends are though none of them are destined to be with me always.
Do I regret that she will never come to know as how I felt about her? I am sure that I do. I feel like if message of my feeling would have been traversed to her even without any of her reciprocation I feel my feelings for her would have got more meaningfulness. But when I get above personal gratification and start looking into bigger picture maybe it's good that these feelings stayed with me than getting out in blue water and creating nuisances.
I am thinking if by chance she reads it , will she by some mystical intuition come to know that it's written about her? practically thinking she can't because I haven't left any hint. I think I am a dreamer and gets disturbed every time when my dream is broken. But It feels great in living in dream because we create a better world than the world we live in. We love better in dreams.
Don't know how to ends this, writing it down certainly helped though it didn't get rid of my frustrations, I guess it just synchronized them.
Let's hope that there comes an end to these cycles but that's almost like hoping for world peace.
I guess I consciously try to avoid talking about myself, my insecurities but today I won't hold any bar. What's wrong with me? I guess I am born 20 years or so late. I don't gel very well with the current culture. I always feel left alone. Of course it's my behaviors which are the main reason.
I will talk about myself only, today 04-07-2013 05:02 AM I am still awake with a very stoic feelings. This feeling is not new to me but it still strike afresh and it's so very effective. What triggered this feeling? Well say news of someone getting seperated who never was really close to me but I really adored her throughout.
I never talked to her, never touched her. She barely knew about my existence in the world. And now the news that perhaps I will never see her again is so killing me. I don't know how to overcome it. and it disturbed me so much of so that even a lazy person like me is forced to write it down in hope that I may find some solace.
Loneliness is crushing and to most of us it's a big monster, but in my case it's even more scathing because I am the reason of my loneliness, my doubts, my stubbornness, my values and my ego. All in all I am an unbearable soul and it can well be said that I don't have the right to crib since I am the culprit.
When I look at my parents who are getting older and the thought that they will be gone one day shatters me so much that I desperately try to not to think on that line but it's inevitable. It's law of nature. Still I feel I would never be able to come to terms with the idea of my existence without them. They always complains that I don't call. Well I don't because a) I am a procrastinator and b) I really have nothing to talk to them.Still I feel my existence is nullified without my parents.
Next when I think about my friends. I was and am an introvert. I didn't make much friends. But I thought I made quality friends. They all have special places in my heart even though to a few I am not on a talking terms. I lost virtually all of them and they too got busy in their respective lives. I am not complaining I mean this is how it happens what I miss that had I been a bit more expressive and active maybe I would have maintained a better tie with my friends.
My Love life , a total disaster. had one relationship which I consider as a relationship and I really don't know how the other party thinks of it now maybe a fluke. My mistake was to think that I am acceptable even though my anti outgoing nature. Of course she made me believe that I am special and stuff but think about it doesn't all the guys in love feels similar way. And the biggest bonus for sure was to know the inevitable breakup, the inability to accept it and desperately trying to mend what is already broken. All my dreams and aspirations which I shared with her or which I made her a part of started haunting me. A metaphor would be when a person sees his own house being turned into debris and all he could do is stand and hope that something miraculous will happen and everything will be as what he planned.
I won't say I came out stronger on the other side but something like that. It made sure that I will be always avoiding any serious relationship. what I feel I gone through and the pessimist I am I can only hope that at the very best the same would be repeated. So I decided to take as it comes and avoid relationships, well honestly avoid opportunities. I still fantasize some pretty girl professing about her inner feelings for me and how most of my moves were so attractive and what I consider my weakness is actually cute and other embarrassing truth. These fantasies keeps me afloat, keeps my morale at level if not really high and also it passes the time really well.
But in the time like these when someone I had a huge crush on and to whom I never made a move because let's say I was too coward is silently going out of my life. Those fantasies are proven shallow, not a great feeling. Anyway there was nothing and there was nothing going to erupt, then why the hell I feel sad and why only me and why not those crushes? Those beautiful face which you can't ignore, you can't dislike I mean how can you, who hates a smiling baby? Similarly this girl was/is adorable, graceful, down to earth and married. A look at her relieves a lot of worldly worries. And I won't be able to see that again is really saddening.
In the counter argument one can say that I would find another girl to have a crush on. I don't think I will considering the circumstances around but let's say maybe I will but even though it doesn't lessens anything because the attachment I had on this girl will not be carried over to the new girl. This attachment will remain their unfulfilled and then a new attachment will start with the new person and then whole thing altogether again.
with this good girl I fantasized that I will tell her a beautiful story which I read in childhood and which I am sure she didn't ever hear and I felt we will have a bond and understanding and henceforth. Which story? I can't declare it's reserved for her or maybe someone like her.
Why are we cursed in this strange way, Why we have such a world where neither being a woman is easy nor being a man. It's not that we are incomplete without each other It's more of that we are not meant to be complete.
Anyway I feel she would always be there in my heart just like my parents and my friends are though none of them are destined to be with me always.
Do I regret that she will never come to know as how I felt about her? I am sure that I do. I feel like if message of my feeling would have been traversed to her even without any of her reciprocation I feel my feelings for her would have got more meaningfulness. But when I get above personal gratification and start looking into bigger picture maybe it's good that these feelings stayed with me than getting out in blue water and creating nuisances.
I am thinking if by chance she reads it , will she by some mystical intuition come to know that it's written about her? practically thinking she can't because I haven't left any hint. I think I am a dreamer and gets disturbed every time when my dream is broken. But It feels great in living in dream because we create a better world than the world we live in. We love better in dreams.
Don't know how to ends this, writing it down certainly helped though it didn't get rid of my frustrations, I guess it just synchronized them.
Let's hope that there comes an end to these cycles but that's almost like hoping for world peace.
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